Maybe He Should Have Considered a Designated Driver

Bozo criminal for today violated Bozo Rule Number 66354: Don’t text, eat and drive. Our bozo for today from Kennewick, Washington, stole a pickup from the yard of a residence. Now, as you might understand, a bozo can work up quite a hunger stealing a car, so as soon as he hit the road, our bozo pulled out a croissant sandwich and enjoyed a tasty meal. And what fun is stealing a car if you can’t text someone to brag about it? That is just what he was doing, eating and texting, when he ran his new vehicle into a ditch. Oops. He’s under arrest.

But Your Honor, Isn’t Just Being a Bozo Enough?

Bozo criminal for today comes from Denver, Colorado, where bozo Susan Cain was dismissed from jury duty after she feigned mental illness before the judge. Only problem, she isn’t really suffering from the disorder she claimed to have. And an even bigger problem…she couldn’t keep her mouth shut. She went on a talk show on KOA in Denver and bragged to the host that she had faked the illness to get out of serving on the jury. Bad idea. Someone from the District Attorney’s office happened to be listening and reported her story to the cops. She’s been charged with felony counts of perjury and attempting to influence a public servant.

March 28,2012

Bozo criminal for today comes from Brunswick, Georgia, where our unidentified bozo was attending court to seek battery charges against her son-in law. It was while she was waiting for her turn before the judge that an uncontrollable bozo urge came over her. For reasons known only to the bozo mind, she removed every stitch of her clothing, including her shoes and, while another case was being heard, stood up and said, “I want to plead not guilty.” The judge quickly ruled that she was out of order since there were no charges filed against her. She was covered up, placed under arrest and escorted from the courtroom.

March 27, 2012

Our bozo criminal for today from Wesley Chapel, Florida, just wanted to check his Facebook without being bothered. Bozo Doyle Harper says his wife kept talking and sitting right next to him and he just wanted a little peace and quiet. So, at the end of his rope, he did what any bozo would do. He called 911. The police, while sympathetic to his problems, explained that the 911 line was not to be used for that purpose. He was charged with misuse of 911 and now has 60 days of peace and quiet in jail.

March 26, 2012

Bozo criminal for today comes from Southington, Connecticut,  where our unidentified bozo thought he would take advantage of the high prices for scrap metals.  So he broke into a local facility and was in the process of loading about 700 pounds of metal on to his truck when things went terribly wrong.  He accidentally made a “pocket dial” call from his cell phone.  And the call went to…911.  He’s busted!

March 23, 2012

Our bozo criminal for today teaches us that it’s not safe to drive drunk anywhere, not even at a hockey rink.  From Apple Valley, Minnesota comes the story of bozo Joel Brown who had a few drinks at home before driving to the ice rink, where he worked as the Zamboni operator.  Police were called to the arena after reports of a man driving the ice-smoothing machine erratically and running into the boards when trying to negotiate a turn.  After failing a breathalyzer test, our bozo was charged with drunken driving.

March 20, 2012

As anyone who has ever had to sit through bad karaoke knows, it can be hard to take, but our bozo for today added a complete new level of uncomfortableness.

From Melbourne, Florida, comes the story of bozo Jeffrey Taylor who was taking part in karaoke night at the local Applebees when, in a moment of bozo inspiration, decided to add stripping to his repertoire.

He began removing his clothes as he continued singing. Fortunately for his audience, the manager was having none of it and he tried to stop him. Our bozo wasn’t willing to take no for an answer and a fight ensued, with the police being called and our bozo charged with battery and disorderly conduct.

March 16, 2012

Our bozo for today learned a lesson about Murphy’s law the hard way. An unidentified teenager from Rogers, Arkansas, thought it would be fun to send a text to a random number saying, "I hid the body…Now what?" She got a response to the text, but it certainly wasn’t the one she was expecting. Of all the random numbers she could have picked to text to, she picked the number of a Rogers police detective. Oops. She was tracked down and released with a stern warning.

March 15, 2012

Bozo criminals for today from the International File in Helsingborg, Sweden, prove once again that being a bozo is an exhausting job. Police were called to a report of an oddly parked car near a busy intersection. Inside they found our two bozos sound asleep inside. Upon further investigation, the police discovered that the car had recently been stolen, and apparently this had been such an exhausting bit of work that our bozos couldn’t wait to get the car home before stopping to take a short nap. They’re under arrest.

March 14, 2012

Bozo criminal for today comes from Uddevalla,Sweden, where our unidentified bozo was arrested on suspicion of using a car with a specially built tank to steal diesel fuel. While the cops where frisking his accomplice, our bozo somehow managed to escape in the police patrol car, which had been left running. The police then used the GPS tracker in the car to follow our bozo as he returned to the police impound lot and stole his own vehicle back. He then proceeded to drive the car to his mother’s house, where he was placed under arrest.

March 13, 2012

Bozo criminal for today comes from Volusia, Florida, where bozo Cody Clark walked into an adult video store, flashed a weapon, and demanded cash. The quick thinking clerk told our bozo he could make more money going by to work at the store than by robbing it. She must have been pretty convincing, as our bozo filled out a job application before leaving empty handed. Looks like he won’t get the job, as he’s now under arrest.

March 12, 2012

Bozo criminal for today comes from Fort Lauderdale, Florida, where we have yet another example of bozos and modern technology being a dangerous combination. It seems bozo Steven Moore stole the nameplate from the courtroom door of a Broward County Circuit Judge. And of course he didn’t take it home and hide it away. No way. Instead, he took a picture of himself holding the stolen nameplate and posted it on his girlfriend’s Facebook site. Bad idea. The cops heard about it and our bozo was tracked down and charged with felony theft charges.

March 9, 2012

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Mark Garstin for sending in todays report from the International File in Halifax, Nova Scotia, Canada, which proves once again that the old adage "If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again" doesn’t apply to bozos. It seems our unidentified bozo was driving while intoxicated and crashed her car. After charging her with DUI, the cops were nice enough to take her home to sleep it off. So there she stayed, right? Wrong. A short time later, she was at it again, behind the wheel of a second car, which she promptly crashed as well. This time she got to sleep it off behind bars.

March 8, 2012

Bozo criminal for today from San Diego, California violated Bozo Rule Number #87234: To be a successful burglar, it’s best to try to be inconspicuous. Our bozo for today broke into a church and got away with electronics, musical instruments and other items. His getaway was foiled when the cops noticed him as he was leaving the church. And he was very easy to notice. Our bozo burglar was clad in a white t-shirt, a tutu and purple stockings. With no underwear. He’s busted!

March 7, 2012

Bozo criminal for today for today comes from Tyrone, Pennsylvania, where bozo Gerald Downs who was pulled over by the cops for driving without his headlights on. Our bozo replied, "Thanks, buddy!" and offered the officer a "high five". Bad idea. The officer then ordered our bozo out of the car, and administered a field sobriety test which our bozo promptly failed. He’s under arrest.

March 6, 2012

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Barbara Goldstein for sending in today’s report from Las Cruces, New Mexico. Bozo Alan Goff and two lady friends dined at the local Applebee’s and then did the old "dine and dash", leaving without paying their bill. Which wouldn’t have been a good idea under any circumstance, but was especially bad on this particular day, which happened to be "Tip a Cop" day at Applebee’s. During this event, the wait staff was replaced by local police officers who served patrons to raise money for the Special Olympics. Oops. He’s under arrest.

March 5, 2012

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Belfast, Northern Ireland. Our unidentified teenage bozo wanted to break into a residence and he thought he had come up with an easy way to to just that. He would reach his arm through the door’s mail slot and would then unlock the door from the inside. Not the best idea. He got his arm partially inside before it got stuck. Stuck so tight he couldn’t get it out no matter what he did. Police passing by noticed our bozo’s predicament and called the fire department who had to completely dismantle the door before our bozo could be freed, and arrested.

March 2, 2012

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Don Reese for sending in today’s report from Ridge Manor, Florida. It seems a couple left their cellphones in an unlocked car only to find them gone when they returned a short time later. Fortunately, one of them was an iPhone and the cops were able to use the phone’s GPS tracking device to lead them to a nearby residence. The cops questioned a man and his grandson, who he said had only returned home a few minutes earlier. The boy adamantly denied taking the phones. Then, someone called the iPhone and a ringing sound was heard coming from the boy’s closet. He then admitted taking the iPhone, but denied taking the other one, a BlackBerry. And, as he was denying the theft, a ringing sound came from one of the boy’s shoes, also stuffed into the closet. He’s busted!

March 1, 2012

Our bozo criminal for today from Gastonia, North Carolina, obviously knew that a pinch of smokeless tobacco should be placed between the cheek and gum. But it seems he may be a bit confused about which cheek we’re talking about here. Bozo Ashton Bowen was returning to jail from work release when two officers searched him. The cops found two bags of wintergreen smokeless tobacco hidden between his buttocks. Ick. He’s been charged with being an inmate in possession of tobacco.