Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Howard Rost for sending in today’s report from Orchard Park, New York, where our unidentified bozo was pulled over by the cops for driving erratically. The officer, believing her to be intoxicated, asked our bozo why she was in such a hurry. It was her answer that landed her in the Bozo Hall of Fame. She told him she was late for her Alcoholics Anonymous meeting. After she gets out of jail, it’s back to step one of that 12 step program.
Month: June 2011
Bozo criminal for today comes from Delaware, Ohio, where police officers were called to a report of a domestic dispute. A man told the police he had been attending a wedding with his wife, who had gotten drunk and struck him several times before locking herself in the car. It was when the officers tried to remove her from the car that she pulled the stunt that landed her in the Bozo Hall of Fame. She told the cops that she was a "breast feeding mother" and then proceeded to take out her breast and spray the officers with milk. Officers were able to calm her down and place her under arrest for disorderly conduct and resisting arrest. No word on whether or not the weapon was confiscated.
Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Steve Webb for sending in today’s report. From the International File in Kendal, England comes the story of bozo Stephen Cook, who was accused of shoplifting an expensive coat from a local store. He was arrested and ordered to appear before the court. And appear he did, wearing the very coat he was accused of stealing. The coat was immediately identified by store employees. Oops. He’s busted!
Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Don Reese for sending in today’s report from St. Petersburg, Florida. Bozo Jeffrey Johnson accosted two women on the street, spitting beer on them and bonking one on the head with a beer bottle. Our bozo sprinted away, running straight into a camera crew that was filming a rap video. He then did what any bozo who had just broken the law would do. He ran straight for the camera and thrust his face into the lens. Bad idea. The film crew made the video available to the police who then released it to the media. After receiving several tips, our bozo was identified and arrested. Apparently he was proud of his moment of fame, too. He even commented on the video when the police were arresting him.
In the long and storied history of the Bozo Criminal Report, today’s story may be the grossest. Read further only if you have a strong stomach. You have been warned. From Boulder, Colorado, comes the story of a problem that occurred at a local festival. Police received a report from a woman that when she went to use the port-a-potty, she noticed something moving inside the tank. She asked a man to go check and he said he could see someone, covered by a tarp, inside the tank. While he was away calling the cops our bozo was seen running from the portable toilet, covered in…well, you know. Police are looking for him, and say they just plan to follow their nose.
Bozo criminal for today comes from Buffalo, New York, where bozo Sean Stevenson took the phrase "joy ride" a little too literally. Troopers spotted him standing with his upper body sticking out of the sunroof of a vehicle as it was traveling down Interstate 190. When the cops approached and turned on the car’s lights, our bozo tossed something out of the vehicle. Unfortunately that something landed right on the windshield of the police car. Even more unfortunately that something was a baggie of marijuana. He’s busted!
Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report. From Naples, Florida, comes the story of bozo James Slater who was found trapped underneath his motorcycle after losing control of it and crashing into a wooded area. He was taken to the hospital and treated for minor injuries. When investigating officers arrived at the hospital, our bozo began acting strangely, screaming and cursing as he attempted to get out of his hospital bed. After the cops got him calmed down, he first denied that he had been in an accident that day. When they asked him how he ended up with a motorcycle on top of him, he gave the answer that landed him in the Bozo Hall of Fame. He said that "the boogeyman" did it and added that the officers couldn’t arrest him. Oh yes they could. He’s been charged with DUI and resisting arrest.
Bozo criminal for today comes from Savannah, Georgia, where our unidentified bozo picked up some takeout from a Chinese restaurant. When she got home and discovered she’d received the wrong order, she did what any bozo would do. She called 911 to complain. After complained about the mixup and demanding that the police do something about it, she was read the riot act by the cops. We have to assume next time she’ll pick up a burger instead.
Bozo criminal for today comes from Seattle, Washington, where bozo Edward Rollins escaped from the state penitentiary. After one day on the loose, he wandered up to a cabin in a remote area, knocked on the door and asked to use a cell phone. There were several problems with this plan. Number one, he was still wearing his prison uniform. And number two, as luck would have it, the cabin was being rented by an off-duty guard from the same prison he had just escaped from. Oops. He’s back under arrest.
Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Howard Rost for sending in today’s report. From Orchard Park, New York, comes the story of an unidentified bozo who walked into a Rite Aid drug store and went to the pharmacy section, where he printed out a prescription. On the way up front he grabbed 20 packs of beer and some soda. He waved the prescription at the cashier hoping she would think he had a receipt. Didn’t work. He’s under arrest. Hopefully when he makes bail he’ll get a receipt.
Bozo criminal for today comes from Elgin, Illinois, where bozo Jose Lopez was waiting in the drive-thru lane at the local McDonalds. To pass the time while waiting for his Big Mac, our bozo lit up a joint. Bad idea. The aroma wafted back to the car behind him, which just happened to be a police vehicle. He’s busted!
Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Fred McKinney for sending in today’s report, which once again proves that Bozos and Modern Technology just don’t mix. From Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, comes the story of bozo Lauren Eller who posted a simple request on her Facebook page, "I will pay somebody a sack to kill my baby father." And, proving once again that you can find anything on the internet, someone responded, offering to take the job. Apparently the baby father’s aunt also saw the post and alerted her nephew who called the cops. The baby mama and the would-be hit man are both under arrest.
Bozo criminals for today come from Hyannis, Massachusetts, where two bozos, armed with knives and a hatchet, burst into a local Dunkin Donuts store. As they entered, they noticed an employee stuffing a paper bag into her purse. Thinking it was the day’s receipts, they demanded that she turn the bag over, which she did. Our bozos then quickly fled with their dough. Literally. Instead of the cash that they thought was inside the bag, there was instead simply a sack full of doughnuts. Police were able to quickly track them down using the store’s surveillance video. They’re under arrest.
Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Perth, Australia, where bozo David Powell thought he had a good plan. He would break into a residence while the homeowner was away and swipe jewels and computer equipment to sell for drug money. The plan went smoothly at first, as he grabbed the loot and made a clean getaway. But he failed to cover his tracks. And they were very identifiable ones. He had lost one of his legs several years ago due to his drug abuse and the print in the mud of one foot and one crutch mark were easy for the cops to follow, right back to his flat which was nearby. He’s busted!
Bozo criminal for today comes from Amherst, Ohio, where police were called on a disturbance call at a campground. There were reports of a violent man threatening people. When police arrived, things had calmed down and our unidentified bozo was asleep…under a porch. When the officers approached, he growled and barked at them before being placed under arrest. It was his explanation of his behavior that landed him in the Bozo Hall of Fame. He told the cops he had been scratched by a wolf and, as a result, always acts violently during the full moon. The officers had another explanation for his actions. He was drunk. He’s been charged with underage consumption.
Bozo criminal for today comes From Wood River, Illinois. When you are a bozo on the run from the law, there are many places you can hide. Perhaps the worst among them is in a dumpster, as our unidentified bozo learned. His timing was poor also, as just after he jumped into the trash bin, a trash truck arrived an emptied the garbage, bozo and all, into the truck. The truck driver made at least five more stops before he noticed a shoe flying over the front of the vehicle. Our bozo was extracted, cleaned up, treated for minor injuries, and arrested.
Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report from Fresno, California. It seems that bozo Jena Lucas locked the keys in her car. So she called a locksmith to let her in, right? Nope. Maybe looked around for a second key she had stashed somewhere? Nah. Perhaps broke the glass as a last resort? No way. Set the hillside near the car on fire to attract attention? Of course. The fire burned a half acre of brush before it was put out. She’s been booked on suspicion of arson.
Bozo criminal for today comes from Portsmouth, New Hampshire, where bozo Douglas Eads carjacked a vehicle and led the cops on a chase through multiple towns involving five police cruisers. He was finally apprehended when officers placed stop sticks across the road. It was when he was being questioned that he came up with the response that landed him in the Bozo Hall of Fame. After giving the cops a false name, he told him he was from "the fifth dimension." And he didn’t mean the old musical group. He said, "I’m not joking" and told them he was from "Atmaloke" in the fifth dimension. Maybe he was hoping to get some sort of diplomatic immunity. Didn’t work. He’s under arrest.
Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Kalmar, Sweden, where our unidentified bozo called the cops in a panic to say that his wife was missing from his sailboat. He was certain that she must have fallen overboard and drowned. When the police arrived they found the man to be extremely intoxicated. So drunk, in fact, that he had forgotten that she did not accompany him on the trip. The wife, as it turns out, was safe at home. He’s been arrested for boating while intoxicated.
Bozo criminal for today comes from Independence, Missouri, where our bozo seemed out of place. He was menacing, frightening and not at all what he seemed to be. Police were called to a pond in a subdivision where our bozo had been sighted, hiding in the tall grass. After consulting with their supervisors, the officers were given their orders…shoot to kill. And shoot they did, striking our bozo twice in the head. But the big bozo didn’t move, even after the second shot. And that’s when the police realized everything wasn’t as it seemed. That threatening bozo that was causing all the trouble wasn’t a live alligator at all. It was a concrete lawn ornament. A faux gator, if you will. The police tracked down the property owner, who said he had placed the gator on his property to keep people off. He’s been advised to get a no-tresspassing sign. And that bozo gator? He’s going to need a patch job.