Yearly Archives: 2007

Bozo criminal for today comes from Loveland, Colorado where bozo Brian Douglas broke into a tobacco shop, stealing pipes, scales and several other items. He stuffed the loot into a pillowcase and made his getaway. Unfortunately for him, he only stole one pillowcase full…and he brought two pillowcases with him. And even more unfortunately, he left the empty one behind when he fled. And that empty pillowcase was embroidered with the words "Jade Inn," the motel nearby where he was staying. Police took the pillowcase to the motel and the manager was able to direct the cops to our bozo’s room, where he was promptly arrested.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Inwood, West Virginia where bozo Steven Shepard made two big mistakes in his attempted robbery of a convenience store. Mistake number one: His disguise. He placed a blue pair of ladies panties over his head in a feeble attempt to cover his face. Mistake number two: His choice of weapon. He used a pistol shaped cigarette lighter to threaten the clerk. Not surprisingly, the clerk refused to take him seriously and our bozo ran out of the store empty handed. The cops were called and our bozo was quickly apprehended.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Chehalis, Washington where bozo Eugenio Cortes had to appear in court. For reasons known only to the bozo mind, he brought along his marijuana stash and, just before entering, he hid it in the shrubbery in front of the courthouse. Unfortunately for him, the shrub he chose to hide his stash in was directly underneath the window belonging to county detectives, who saw what he was doing. He was busted as he entered the building.

Bozo criminals for today come from Chicago, Illinois where three bozos broke into a shoe store and told the employees to lay down on the floor and keep quiet. Our bozos then went about their business, looking for just the right shoes in their sizes. When one of them would find a style he liked, he would shout out the size he needed so the other bozos could help him look for it. Sounds like an OK plan, except for one thing. All the noise and shouting of sizes alerted workers in the back store room that something was amiss. They called the cops who arrived before our bozos had finished shopping.

Bozo criminal for today comes from New York City where bozo Calvin Solly was trying to sell some counterfeit money. Lots of it. $4 million in $100 bills. He was having a tough time getting anyone to buy because the bills were white paper. Totally blank. He did have a classic bozo story to explain it all. He said the bills were intended to be foreign aid for the country of Sierra Leone and had been dyed white to prevent the money couriers from being robbed. He said the paper would be revealed as actual money when placed between two real $100 bills. Not surprisingly, he attracted the attention of the FBI who placed him under arrest.

Bozo criminals for today violated Bozo Rule Number 99045: When vandalizing a place, be sure you allow for an escape route. From the International File in Oslo, Norway comes the story of a couple of bozos who decide to vandalize a train station elevator. Once inside the car, they started kicking the doors. Unfortunately, the kicked them so hard that they jammed, effectively trapping our bozos inside. Police were called and they freed and arrested our bozos.

Bozo criminal for today from Fort Worth, Texas proves that littering doesn’t pay. Police officers noticed a motorist toss a gray bundle from his car and then speed away. Investigating, the officer found the bundle contained a gray sweatshirt and a black ski mask…the same outfit a robber had worn at a bank robbery the previous day. He radioed ahead for a patrol car to stop our bozo. He was charged with littering, and, after bank employees were able to identify him, bank robbery charges were added.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Joey Schwartzman for sending in today’s report. From Franklin, Ohio comes the story of bozo Christopher Wallace who was wanted by the cops on a probation violation. When an officer approached him, he ran, climbing a nearby fence and then jumping onto the roof of the adjacent building. He ran across the roof and then attempted to jump over to the building next door. No matter how easy this looks in the movies, it’s tough in real life. He fell a little short and found himself stuck in an enclosed courtyard area between the two buildings. He had to wait patiently while the fire department ladder truck was brought in to free him. He’ll be heading to jail after he’s released from the hospital.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Houston, Texas where police officers were called to an apartment after a report of a disturbance. Finding the front door open, they went inside where they found several large marijuana plants. They also found bozo John Gonzalez hiding in the bathroom. He made a run for it, getting just outside the door before being caught. As they were cuffing him, one of the officers noticed smoke coming from his pants. In his haste, he had stuffed a burning marijuana cigarette into his pocket. Busted!

Bozo criminal for today comes from Columbus, Ohio where bozo Martino Wallace confronted his victim at gunpoint, demanding his wallet and car keys. After he got them, he then threw the poor guy into the trunk of his car, locking him inside. Our bozo then drove the car to an ATM, where he withdrew cash with the stolen ATM card. When he was asking his victim to turn over his valuables, our bozo should also have asked him for his cell phone. He didn’t and the guy used it to call the cops from inside the trunk, giving them a description of both the car and our bozo. The cops tracked him down and placed him under arrest.

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Neustrelitz, Germany and it proves something we’ve known for a very long time: Bozos love beer. Our unidentified bozo stole a cell phone. When the phone’s owner reported the theft to the police, one officer decided to try something. He called the number and when our bozo answered, he told him that he’s just won a case of beer…and if he’d just give him the address he’d deliver it. He did. Our bozo didn’t get his beer but he did get a free ride to jail.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Lenoir, North Carolina where Bozo Dennis Voyles went down to the county sheriff’s office to apply for a gun permit. As he was filling out his form, the officers noticed a familiar aroma wafting from his person, and it wasn’t Old Spice. Soon, the unmistakable smell of marijuana was so strong that it literally filled the hallways of the sheriff’s office. So, Kilo the drug dog was called into action. He immediately sniffed out some marijuana in our bozo’s truck. Busted!

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report. From Orlando, Florida comes the story of bozo Eric Callaway who robbed a service station at gunpoint, getting away with $75 and two cartons of cigarettes. Investigating officers discovered our bozo had left something behind at the crime scene: The case to the gun he had used in the robbery. And inside that case, the receipt for a new AK-47 assault rifle, along with his name and address. He was found at his apartment with the rifle and the loot. He’s under arrest.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Norwalk, Connecticut where bozo Amahl Carter stole a vehicle from a car dealer a little over a month ago. He had been denied a test drive because of bad credit, and as he was walking away, he spotted a car on the lot with the keys in it and simply drove off. He had not been seen since, until this week when he showed up at the same dealership, driving the stolen car. He told the sales manager he wanted to trade up for a larger vehicle. Instead, he’s traded for something smaller…a jail cell.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Dallas, Texas where three bozos carjacked a man and told him to drive to his bank to get cash. He said his credit union had an ATM at DFW airport, where he worked. Our bozos said fine, drive over there. When they arrived, he informed them the ATM was inside, past airport security. They agreed to wait outside while he went in to retrieve the cash. Bad idea. He instead retrieved the cops who arrested all three of our patiently waiting bozos.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Holiday, Florida where bozo John Anderson lost control of his vehicle and plowed into a residence. He walked away from the accident before the police arrived, leaving one of his shoes behind in the vehicle. A short time later, while the officers were investigating, our bozo walked up, looking quite a bit the worse for wear. His face was bloody, like he had smashed it into the steering wheel, he was wearing only his boxer shorts and was barefoot. He initially denied any involvement, but the vehicle was registered to his home address. And when an officer asked him to try on the shoe, it was a perfect fit. Just like Cinderella, that sealed the deal. He’s under arrest.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report. From Lakeland, Florida comes the story of bozo Darren Carpenter who was seen by the police wheeling a large trash can down the sidewalk at four o’clock in the morning. An officer stopped to investigate and found the trash can was full of beer, several cases of the stuff. When asked where the beer came from, our bozo replied that he found it next to a dumpster at a nearby restaurant. Well, not exactly. Investigating officers found a large hole in the building’s wall, leading to a storage room where the beer was kept. Our bozo has been charged with burglary.

Bozo criminals for today come from Forrest City, Arkansas where bozos Tonya and Dennis green were driving through town when a police officer noticed something strange on their dashboard. A large stuffed monkey was right in front of the driver, partially obstructing her view. And that was only the beginning of their troubles. The officer also could smell marijuana coming from inside the vehicle (big surprise) and inside found large number of pills. They’ve been charged with possession of a controlled substance. No word on the fate of the monkey.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Joey Schwartzman for sending in today’s report. From the International File in Aachen, Germany comes the story of an unidentified bozo who broke into a sports facility late one evening. It was very dark and since he didn’t have a flashlight he turned on the first light switch he could find. Unfortunately for him, the switch was for the floodlights on the football field. Police were called by the club’s grounds keeper who saw the lights from his home nearby. Our bozo was arrested.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Fond du Lac, Wisconsin where bozo Thomas Bartley was found by the police passed out in a bathroom stall at a local hotel. When the cops awakened our bozo and asked for some ID, he reached into his pocket and pulled out a grey and yellow marijuana pipe and handed it to the officer. When the cops asked him for an ID the second time, our bozo took out his checkbook, ripped out a check and handed it over. He’s been charged with drug possession.