Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Mathias Joost for sending in today’s report from Topeka, Kansas. At around 3:30 AM, cops were called to a report of a disturbance at a convenience store. Upon arrival, they found a naked teen, covered from head to toe in a creamy white substance. He had damaged some items inside the store before heading outside and jumping into a running vehicle, which he promptly crashed into a pillar. Further investigation determined he was covered in ranch dressing and under the influence of an unknown substance. He was taken into custody before being rinsed off and released to his parents.