A Super Burrito Could Probably Have Done More Damage

Another day, another domestic battery charge from Florida using foodstuffs. From Tampa Bay, Florida comes the story of bozo-ette Brandy Landers, 20, who got into an argument with her mother regarding the “cleanliness of the house.” One thing led to another, ending with Brandy hurling two tacos at her mother from the dining room. Mom called the cops and the officer reported that he found her sitting on the couch with “food debris” all over her and her shirt. Busted! Our bozo was charged with domestic battery, a misdemeanor, and booked into the county jail.

Hey, That Name Sounds Awfully Familiar

After thorough investigaton, Turkish police found no actual criminal activity involved here, but the bozo level is high enough to merit mention. From Cayakka, Turkey, comes the story of a man who was reported missing by his friends. Our bozo, who was in town for a construction project, went out for a night of drinking with his co-workers. The next morning his friends thought he had drunkenly wandered off into the woods and a search party was quickly organized. Meanwhile, our bozo, who had gone to a friends villa to sleep it off, awoke and noticed all the activity outside. The searchers told him they were looking for a missing man, and our bozo, being a good citizen, joined in the search. It was not until he heard other searchers calling his name that he realized “Oh, that’s me.” Police interviewed him and released him with no charges being filed.

Those Zoom Meetings Just Never Go Well

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Don Reese for sending in today’s report from Tampa, Florida, where Covid 19 restrictions have led to some bozo defendants appearing before the judge via Zoom meetings. That was the case when bozo BJ Downs was called before the judge on charges of fraud and petit theft. Our bozo seemed very polite in his testimony but prosecutors recorded something that sealed his fate. Video shows our bozo shooting up while waiting to speak to the judge. Yikes! Looks like he’ll be facing further charges.

Must Have Been a Full Moon!

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Mathias Joost for sending in today’s report from Niagara Falls, Ontario, Canada. This one comes under the heading of it’s always a good idea just to mind your own business. The cops had pulled over a driver on suspicion of DUI. Our bozo, who had no connection to the driver, approached the officer, began video recording the scene, and started shouting obscenities. The cop cautioned him and this seemed to further agitate our bozo, who then spat in the officer’s direction. Bad idea. He fought back as the officer tried to arrest him. Backup was called and our bozo was hauled away, charged with obstructing a police officer, assaulting a police officer, resisting arrest, and violation of probation.

The Customer Service Was So Good Last Time…

Bozo criminal for today from Fountain Valley, California, violated Bozo Rule Number 0303982: If you are a bozo, it’s never a good idea to return to the scene of the crime. It seems our unidentified 33 year old bozo walked into the Chase bank on Monday, gave the teller a note demanding cash, and exited with what was called “a large sum of money.” Success on Monday, so what do you do on Tuesday? Go back and rob the same bank again, of course! This time things didn’t work out so well. Tellers stalled our bozo until the cops arrived. He’s busted!

But Is the Catalytic Converter Still Available?

Bozo criminal for today comes from Stone County, Missouri, where bozo James Cain had a catalytic converter he needed to sell. So, he placed it on his coffee table, took a picture and posted it for sale on Facebook Marketplace. Sounds like a good plan, right? Well….except for the bag of methamphetamine and the syringe in the background. Oops. A citizen reported the picture to the cops and they found him to be in possession of 48 grams of meth and a pistol he was forbidden to own. Busted! Charged with possession of a controlled substance and probation/parole violation.

Maybe He Should Have Tried Carvana

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Don Reese for sending in this one from Lake City, Florida. It seems bozo Timothy Warren successfully stole a car from the local Chrysler Dodge dealership. Guess it wasn’t exactly what he wanted as he returned to the same dealership a few days later, trying to trade it in on a new one. Not so fast, Einstein. A quick check of the VIN showed it to be stolen and a further check of the security footage ID’ed our bozo as the thief. Realizing the jig was up, he confessed and was charged with grand theft of a motor vehicle and criminal mischief.

And Why Didn’t She Just Close the Sunroof?

Bozo criminal for today comes from Pasco, Washington, where officers were called to a report of a disturbance in a parking lot. They found our bozo on top of a car, and reaching through the sunroof to try to hit the woman inside. Our bozo also yanked off the other woman’s wig prompting the victim to pull a gun and fire a warning shot. At this point officers were able to get the two women separated, instructing our bozo to wait in front of the patrol car. Instead of waiting quietly she hopped on the hood of the car and began twerking. That was enough. She’s under arrest on suspicion of assault

Hey, He’s Still Learning!

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report from the International File in Kent, England. Cops in an unmarked car noticed our bozo driving erratically and when they got closer, he made an obscene hand gesture in their direction. Bad idea. They pulled him over and discovered he only had a learner’s permit license. The car was confiscated on the spot and our bozo faced a long walk home!

Maybe He Wanted To Compliment the President On the Fine Customer Service

Bozo criminal for today comes from Gilmer, Texas where our unidentified bozo walked into the First National Bank and made himself at home in one of the comfy chairs in the lobby. After a few minutes, he got up, hands in pockets, and announced to a teller that he was robbing the bank. The clerk complied and handed over $16,559 in cash. Mission accomplished, right? Well, not quite. He had one more stop to make. The corner office belonging to the bank president. He was still involved in a conversation with the president when the cops arrived. He was placed under arrest without incident.

Hey, That’s No Speedbump!

Bozo criminal for today comes from Atlanta, Georgia, where the cops were chasing bozo Kijon Green when he ran into a crematory parking lot and stole a mortuary van. He hadn’t gone far when a body on a gurney rolled out of the back of the van. Yikes. Officers had to stop and safely secure the body before resuming the chase. The getaway vehicle eventually blew a tire and struck several other cars before coming to a stop. Our bozo ran into a nearby wooded area where the cops lost him. When he’s captured, he faces several felony charges.

Next Time You Better Bring Backup

Bozo criminal for today comes from Carrollton, Texas where our would-be thief knew exactly what he wanted. A big screen tv in an office building. Should be easy to break in and grab, right? He prepared for his theft by donning a mask and gloves. He then grabbed a landscape rock and broke in. Now, to just get that big screen off the wall. He positioned himself in front of the tv, grabbed hold, pulled, and…whoa that TV is heavier than it looks! When he got the TV off the wall, it was too much for him to handle and he went crashing to the ground, with the TV on top of him. Thinking better of the whole situation, he left empty handed. And did we mention, the whole thing was captured on security cameras? https://twitter.com/i/status/1430294727006597120

A Real “Pot” Belly

Bozo criminal for today comes from Iowa City, Iowa, where the cops were called to a disturbance at an apartment complex. Upon arrival, they discovered 19-year-old bozo Kyle Cain involved in a heated argument with another man. When he spotted the cops, our bozo attempted to simply walk away from the situation. However, one thing stood out to the officers…he had a very large bulge under his shirt near the waistline. Even as a cop yelled at him, our bozo continued to walk away and down a flight of stairs which unfortunately led to a dead end. Oops. When the cops handcuffed him, a large bag of marijuana fell from under his shirt. Double oops. He then offered up the Bozo Excuse of the Week, saying the pot did not belong to him. Tell it to the judge. He was charged with felony and misdemeanor drug counts.

Our Question…Is the Kitty Gonna Be Alright?

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Mike Sheffield for sending in today’s report from Kenosha, Wisconsin. It seems our 19-year-old bozo was visiting the home of a friend. Two things to know about her friend’s residence. 1. He had a gun. 2. He had a cat. Our bozo picked up the handgun, turned on the laser sight and began using the laser to tease the cat, getting him to chase it. Not the safest thing to do, and, as you might expect, the gun went off, striking the man in the thigh. 911 and the cops were called. The man, who we believe was not seriously injured, was charged with violating bond conditions that prohibited him from having a weapon. Our bozo was charged with negligent use of a weapon.

We’ve Heard of the Devil Made Me Do It, But This Is a First for God

Bozo criminal for today comes from Mobile, Alabama, where bozo Jeffrey Mason was accused of stealing a fire-rescue vehicle from in front of the fire station. Our bozo, who apparently never met a TV camera he didn’t like, had been charged with the theft and was being escorted out of the police station when he noticed the TV crew. He introduced himself to the cameras and announced that he was “running for Mayor of Mobile, Alabama, baby!” When a female reporter asked him if he stole the vehicle, he said he wouldn’t have stolen it if he “had a woman like you.” But he wasn’t done. He then listed God as an accomplice, saying the God had told him to steal the car. The TV crew turned their attention to another perp, asking him if he had stolen a vehicle. Our bozo immediately jumped in and said, “No! I did it, man! He didn’t do sh–! I did everything!” And on a parting note, he promised to steal a police car when he was released from custody. Could be awhile. He’s being held on charges of first degree theft and first degree burglary.

If Only It Had a Bigger Gas Tank!

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Howard Rost for sending in today’s report from Houston, Texas. It seems bozo Mohamed Abu-Shlieba stole a Dodge Challenger Hellcat, one of the fastest production cars ever made, with a top speed of 200 MPH. It was so fast that the cops, and their helicopter, couldn’t keep up. The chase continued down I-10 and, just as the cops thought they had lost him, they spotted the Challenger at the side of the road, apparently out of gas. Our bozo had built up a big enough lead that he could probably have evaded the cops, but, for reasons known only to the bozo mind, he was spotted casually walking out of a wooded area and into the middle of a cow pasture while talking on his cell phone. When he was arrested he offered up the Bozo Excuse of the Week, telling the cops he “let it run out of gas” so they could catch up to him. Bad idea. He’s been sentenced to three years in prison.

And the Hits Just Keep On Coming

Bozo criminal for today comes from East Nashville, Tennessee, where police responded to a report of a vehicle crashed into a ditch. Upon arrival, they found not one but two cars involved in the accident. Here’s what happened. Bozo number one, Natasha Brown, had a glass of wine and an espresso martini at a bar before heading home. She didn’t make it and crashed into a ditch. She then called Bozo number two, Melvin Adams, to come and help her out. Number two, who admitted to having a “couple” of beers drove over and crashed into the back of Bozo number one’s vehicle. Busted! Both of them failed breathalyzer tests and were charged with DUI.

Drop the Meatball and Step Away From the Plate

Bozo criminals for today come from Clearwater, Florida, where the cops were called to a report of a domestic disturbance. When they arrived, they found Bozo Stephanie Lamar and her boyfriend Adolfo Rodriguez involved in a verbal disagreement and covered in…spaghetti sauce. Apparently they had been enjoying some Chef Boyardee when an argument turned violent, wherein each bozo found a bowl of spaghetti shoved in the other’s face. Police say alcohol was probably a factor. After a quick cleanup, they were both arrested and charged with domestic battery.

Hey, It Fired First!

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending today’s report from Yakima, Washington, where police received a report of shots fired at a residence. Upon arrival, they discovered our bozo in the alleyway outside his home, “yelling incoherently” with a gun lying in the middle of the road. He was taken into custody and witnesses filled in the details. Apparently our bozo had just loaded some soda cans into his refrigerator when one of them exploded. He immediately grabbed his gun out of his waistband and shot the refrigerator dead. When confronted with this information at the station house, our bozo said actually he was shooting at the people in the basement who “wanted to kill” him. OK, except for one small thing…your home doesn’t have a basement. He’s been charged with second-degree unlawful possession of a firearm, and discharge of a firearm.

But That’s the Place It Gets the Best Reception!

Bozo criminal for today comes from Antelope Valley, California where a officer couldn’t believe what he saw on a Toyota Prius tooling down the freeway. The car had a satellite dish mounted right in the center of the hood. He pulled our bozo over and asked him if the dish obscured his view of the highway. Our bozo offered up this answer, “Only when I make right turns.” Sorry, unless you can proved you’re never going to make a right turn again you are busted! No word on whether he was ticketed or released with a warning.