Since Sears Closed, It’s Hard To Find a DieHard

Bozo criminals for today come from Clackamas County, Oregon, where our bozos were going to tag-team it. One would go into Kohl’s and shoplift a bunch of stuff while the other would be waiting in the getaway car just outside. Great plan. Except…the car died and the weak battery quickly went dead. When the cops arrived, they found our bozos, hood of the car up, trying to get a jump from bystanders. And inside the car they found phones, laptops, clothing from other stores, stolen credit cards and a credit card reader, drugs, and counterfeit cash. And did we mention the getaway car was also stolen? Busted! Charged with of theft, possession of a forged instrument, and a warrant for heroin possession.

Wet and Not So Wild

Bozo criminal for today comes from Tallahassee, Florida, where bozo David Monroe had a big night out. Apparently he had a little too much to drink, stumbled and fell into a pool of water. Now, here you have a drunk, dripping bozo. What to do? In this case, he decided to head into a parking garage where he found a fire extinguisher. Nope, he wasn’t on fire, but, for reasons known only to the bozo mind, he thought the extinguisher might dry him off. So, he unleashed the device on himself. The result was what you might imagine. The cops found him, covered in powder. Busted! Interfering with firefighter equipment is a third degree felony. He’s drying off in jail.

But the Wife Demanded I Do It!

Bozo criminal for today comes from Spartanburg, South Carolina, where the cops responded to a 1:10 AM call of a naked man. Sure enough, upon arrival, they found Bozo Michael Bennett strolling naked down the street with a clear plastic bag covering his genitals and smoking a blunt. After initially trying to run from the cops, he then decided to offer up the Bozo Excuse of the Week. He told officers that he had cheated on his wife and and his penance was to do a “walk of shame” to try to get out of the doghouse. Don’t know if that worked, but it did put him in the jailhouse. He’s been charged with indecent exposure, disorderly conduct, marijuana possession, and resisting police.

If Only He’d Worn Long Sleeves…

Our bozo for today comes from the International File in the Dominican Republic. Bozo Marc Biart had been on the run for seven years, wanted for allegedly trafficking cocaine while a member of Italy’s notorious Ndrangheta crime syndicate. Our bozo had been keeping a low profile except for his one passion. Italian cooking. He fancied himself a chef and had started a You Tube cooking channel showing off his skills. He carefully kept his face concealed during the videos, but he didn’t bother to cover his arms. And that’s what got him arrested. Apparently he had some very distinctive tattoos which police in Italy recognized. They tracked him down to the Caribbean nation where he was arrested and extradited to Italy, where he faces numerous charges.

Ready, Aim, Oops…

Bozo criminal for today comes from Oklahoma City, Oklahoma, where bozo John Lane targeted a smoke shop for a smash and grab robbery. He had a rather unique plan for smashing in, also. He was going to crash through by backing his car through the storefront. So, he positioned the Jeep, threw in into reverse and…Crash! He broke through the windows and backing into…the shoe repair shop next door. Right, he hit the wrong business. And to add insult to injury, he also set off an alarm which brought the police before he was even able to get out of his car. Busted! Charged with second-degree burglary and 2 counts of malicious injury to property.

Up In Smoke

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Howard Rost for sending in today’s report from Buffalo, New York. Our bozo was enjoying a reefer while taking a little drive around town. He was pulled over for speeding and the cop could smell marijuana inside the car. Strike one. He then asked to see our bozo’s drivers license and he handed over a learner’s permit, only valid if someone else was riding with him. He was alone. Strike two. When asked to step out of the car, it was obvious he was trying to hide something in his pocket. When asked what it was, he replied that it was a 9mm pistol. And of course he didn’t have a permit for it. Strike three. He’s been charged with criminal possession of a weapon in the second degree, unlawful possession of marijuana and seven additional traffic violations.

Burn Out In the Walmart Parking Lot Like Everyone Else

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Adelaide, Australia, where our bozo decided to have a little fun with his hot Holden Commodore. He was having a great time, cutting donuts and leaving excessive amounts of smoke inside a parking garage. Harmless fun, right? Well….not if the parking garage is directly above the local police station. Cops were waiting for him when he exited the building. Busted! Charged with drunken driving and misuse of a motor vehicle.

Well, That Big Screen TV On Sale At Walmart Wouldn’t Fit In Her Car

Bozo criminal for today comes from San Diego, California where our unidentified bozo decided to steal a forklift and take it for a little spin down Sports Arena Boulevard. Someone called the cops and not one, not two, not three, not four, but five cruisers were dispatched to corral the rogue piece of construction equipment. A super slow chase ensues, with our bozo running a red light before turning into a parking lot. Now we have a big standoff between five cars of police officers and one woman on a forklift. The standoff could still be going on if a bystander who had seen enough hadn’t taken matters into his own hands. He simply walked up to the forklift and removed the keys. Standoff over. Our bozo surrendered without a fight and was placed under arrest.

Flying High!

Bozo criminal for today comes from Ventura County, California, where the cops received a report of a drone buzzing around the neighborhood. Cops spotted the colorful red, green and silver drone and noticed something strange about it. There was a baggie containing a powdery substance attached to it. Oops. Our bozo was taken into custody, charged with suspicion of two counts of possessing a controlled substance for sale and one count of controlled substance possession.

If Only He’d Brought Some WD-40…

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in this one from the International File in Morelia, Mexico. Our would-be bozo burglar was prowling around when, for reasons known only to the Bozo Mind, he stuck his head between the building’s protective burglar bars. His head went in, but wouldn’t come out and he found himself stuck like a rat in a trap. Residents nearby noticed his plight and reported the situation to the cops at 4:40 pm. He remained stuck until 7 pm when the police finally arrived. After cutting him free with a pair of bolt cutters, he was led away in handcuffs.

He Can Sleep It Off In Jail.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Nashville, Tennessee, where the cops responded to a report of a car sitting in the middle of the intersection with the driver inside. Perhaps the man had suffered a medical emergency? Nope. Maybe the car had simply died? Nah. How about he was passed out, dead drunk? Yep. When the cops woke up sleeping beauty and asked him if he knew where he was, he replied, “In my bed.” Not exactly. Busted! Charged with DUI and driving with a suspended license.

Um…There’s an App on Your Phone That Can Help With That

Bozo criminal for today comes from Joliet, Illinois, where bozo Jefferson Lane spotted a car that was left running and unoccupied at a convenience store. He hopped in and drove away but quickly realized he wasn’t familiar with the area. When he came upon an officer working an accident, he stopped and asked the cop for directions. Guess the dimwit didn’t realize the car had already been reported as stolen. He was placed under arrest without incident.

An “Expert” Isn’t What It Used To Be

This is the first time we’ve heard from our bozo friends in the Taliban in a while, and it’s good to see not much has changed. From the International File in Qultaq, Afghanistan comes a report that Talaban leaders had called a meeting to conduct a bomb making class. They had even brought in six “experts” to help show the guys just how to do it. Bad idea. One of the devices they were building malfunctioned and blew up the mosque, along with at least 30 would-be terrorists and the six “experts.”

Next Time Go For the Ruffles

Bozo criminal for today comes from Oklahoma City, Oklahoma, where bozo Sharon Brown broke into a residence by prying off a window screen and climbing in. She rummaged around but left without taking anything. But she did leave something behind…an empty bag of Cheetos on the kitchen floor. When the cops responded to a report of a suspicious person nearby, they found Cheeto residue on her teeth. Uh-oh. After being confronted with the evidence, she confessed to the break-in.

That’s What the Incognito Mode Is For!

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Josh Widdowson for sending in this violation of Bozo Rule Number 8948492: Always clear your search history. It seems bozo David Carroll of West Newton, Pennsylvania, had what he thought was a foolproof scam. He called the cops and reported his vehicle as stolen. Five days later, the cops found his SUV in a wooded area, torched and nearly unrecognizable, but they were able to trace the still intact VIN number back to our bozo. End of story, right? Nope. As part of the investigation, a search warrant was issued for his phone. And right at the top of his Google search history…”How to set your car on fire and make it look like an accident.” Oops. Busted! Charged with arson with intent to collect auto insurance, insurance fraud, filing a false report and risking a catastrophe.

Maybe If He’d Applied As Dick Cheney…

Bozo criminal for today from Chattanooga, Tennessee, wanted to get a permit for carrying a handgun. He followed proper procedure, filling out the Tennessee Department of Safety form and enclosing it along with a check for $50. So far, so good, right? Well, no. It seems he filled out the form using the name “President Barack H Obama” and he even included US State Department letterhead. Did we mention he is a white man? And did we also mention he also has an active warrant for his arrest in Michigan. Needless to say “the president” didn’t get the permit. He’s been charged with perjury, forgery and theft of identity.

He Just Said It Wasn’t Stolen…He Didn’t Say It Wasn’t Fake

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Adelaide, Australia. Cops spotted our bozo driving without lights on around 2 am. Further inspection of the vehicle found that he had painted over the license plate and had hand painted new numbers on the plate. He also added a helpful phrase at the bottom of the license tag. It read, “Not Stolen OK”. Well, we’re glad to know that. He’s busted! Charged with driving without a license, driving at night without lights and driving with a defaced license plate.

He Probably Put the Handcuffs On Himself, Too

Bozo criminal for today obviously had a mama who taught him to be respectful and do what he was told. Unfortunately, that isn’t always the best thing to do when you’re trying to pull off a bank robbery. Bozo Edward Franks walked into a bank in Chicago and waited in line to see a teller. When he reached the window, he handed the teller a note that said, “no dye packs” and “armed”. The calm teller triggered a silent alarm and asked our bozo if he was looking to make a deposit or withdrawal. When he said withdrawal, she handed him a blue withdrawal slip, which he filled out requesting $10,000, with his signature at the bottom. The teller said, fine, but you’ll need to provide identification, and he handed over a state identification card issued three days earlier by the Illinois Secretary of State’s office. Thanks. Now if you’ll just wait a moment…He was still waiting when the cops arrived. He’s under arrest.

More Like “Never To Be Girlfriend”

Bozo criminal for today comes from Johnstown, Pennsylvania, where the cops received a call about a suspicious vehicle. The caller said there was a marked police car sitting if front of his house shining a spotlight into his home. He also said the driver of the vehicle, dressed in camouflage, had knocked on his door, asking for a woman. When the cops arrived, they found our bozo sitting inside the cruiser. He told the cops that he hadn’t really stolen the car, he had only “borrowed” it and was using it to find his “soon to be girlfriend.” Sorry, looks like he’ll have to keep looking. He’s been charged with theft and impersonating a public servant.

Well, Look Who Just Dropped In!

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Howard Rost for sending in today’s report from Stafford, Virginia. Our bozo was a wannabe Peeping Tom, so he staked out the women’s locker room at the local gym. Nope, he didn’t try the old trick of drilling a peep hole in the wall. Instead, he climbed up into the ceiling and, before he could get settled in, the rafters gave way and he landed right in the middle of the locker room floor. Needless to say, the ladies were not pleased and extracted bit of revenge on our bozo while waiting for the cops to arrive. Busted!