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Our bozo for today from Seattle, Washington, is another example of a bozo foiled by modern technology. The cops were working a report of a stolen BMW, which the owner said he had loaned to a friend. He said his friend forgot and left the key fob inside the car, which made it an easy target for thieves. The cops contacted BMW and they were able to help the cops track down the vehicle’s location, an alley, where they found our bozo asleep inside. BMW employees were then able to remotely lock our bozo inside the car for safe keeping. He was awakened and removed, charged with DUI, theft and drug possession.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Howard Rost for sending in today’s report from Buffalo, New York, where the Bills and their fans are known for their tailgating parties before games. This particular one, however, got out of hand. Our 25 year-old bozo was enjoying himself a little too much recently when he decided to have one more drink. It was the “container” he used that ultimately led to his downfall. For reasons known only to the bozo mind, he decided to drink some alcohol from the bare butt of a female partier. Which might have been OK if someone had not decided to post the whole thing online. And if he hadn’t been on probation. The video was called to the attention of the cops who did some investigation and discovered one other problem. The girl was underage. Oops. He’s under arrest charged with probation violation. No word on who won the game.

It’s the time of the year again when it’s time to report on another bozo influenced by Santa Claus, and not in a good way. Cops in Penfield, New York, were called to a report of an attempted break-in at a local pizzeria. Upon arrival, they found our bozo had attempted to enter the pizza joint by sliding down the roof vent. He got so far and then… stuck tight. The cops, with some help from the fire department, pulled him out and charged him with third degree burglary, second degree criminal mischief and possession of burglary tools.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Forest Grove, Oregon, where cops were called to a residence on a report of a disturbance. When they got there, they were shocked to see what the woman was upset about. Whistling. Yep, whistling. She told the cops that a man had “obnoxiously” been whistling “Closing Time” by the group Semisonic while standing in her driveway. She stated that she told him to “shut up” several times before calling the cops. He was not there when the police arrived but all they had to do was follow their ears. They found him not far away “whistling his way back home.” The cops issued a warning but were at a loss to explain why the whistling had the woman so upset.

Our bozo for today from Queensland, Australia, turned out to have no criminal activity involved whatsoever, but the sheer weirdness of the story merits its inclusion. A concerned citizen noticed a soft, squishy, circular object on the beach. After taking a good look at it, he decided the object was a prosthetic breast implant, perhaps from someone who had been murdered or drowned. He placed the thing in a baggie and took it down to the local police department. The cops initially took his discovery very seriously and then…further investigation determined that it was not a breast implant at all. Actually, it was a jellyfish. Police speculated it was the remains of a blubber jellyfish whose tentacles had been knocked off or eaten by a fish. Case closed.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Las Vegas, Nevada, where neighborhood residents had been complaining about packages being stolen from their doorways. After the police had failed to catch the thief, one of the homeowners took matters into his own hands. He’s the proud owner of a 95-pound German Shepherd who is a very healthy eater and also a very prolific pooper. He collected a nice large supply of his dog Heidi’s poop and wrapped it up neatly in a package which he placed on his front doorstep. Sure enough, it worked. Security cameras showed two men in a green car pull up and snatch the package. Unfortunately we don’t have footage of them opening the poopy package. Police hope to use the video in in their investigation.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Millbury, Ohio, where the cops stopped bozo Daniel Harper for following too closely in traffic. Our bozo appeared to be filled with holiday cheer as the Ford Expedition was packed to the brim with wrapped Christmas presents. But things were not as they seemed. A drug sniffing dog alerted the cops that there was something amiss with the gifts. The cops unwrapped the presents and discovered 71 pounds of marijuana, 360 THC pills and a pound of hash wax oil, for a street value of $330,000. He’s busted!

Bozo criminal for today comes from Brockton, Massachusetts where our bozo thought this was going to be an easy heist. Boy, was he wrong. First mistake: He pulled his van up directly in front of the store’s security camera which had a clear shot of his license plate. Second Mistake: He underestimated the strength of the store’s window. Security footage shows our bozo hurl a rock at the store’s window from close range. Doink! The rock hits the window and bounces back, landing at the man’s feet. So, summoning all his strength, he picks up the rock and tries again. Doink! Same result. Only this time the rock bounces off the van’s door and rolls under the vehicle. Thinking better of things, our bozo gets into the car and drives off. Police expect to make an arrest shortly.

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Scunthorpe, North Lincolnshire, England where bozo Andrew Haney broke into a residence and was rummaging around when he was confronted by the homeowners, both 72 years old. After a brief confrontation, our bozo thought better of things and headed for the nearest exit. Before he could leave, the homeowner asked him if he could take a quick picture of him. For reasons known only to the bozo mind, he stopped, posed, and allowed the man to take a quick picture. Bad idea. Using the photographic evidence, the cops were quickly able to track down and arrest our bozo.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Taunton, Massachusetts, where bozo Sherwin Hall was involved in an ongoing dispute with his ex-girlfriend. The situation went downhill as our bozo destroyed her phone and allegedly cut the brake lines on her car. But it was his final attempt at revenge that landed him in the Bozo Hall of Fame. He attempted to burn down her house. Using a bag of Cheetos. Yep, he tried to ignite the place using a bag of cheetos. Didn’t work. Cops caught him outside the residence with two cigarette lighters and a bag of Cheetos. He’s been charged with malicious destruction of property.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania, where bozo Chris Norris ran a pooper scooper business. He was headed to one of his jobs to pick up dog doo when he was pulled over by a cop for a faulty brake light. The story could have ended there except for his bozo attempt to get out of the ticket. He flashed a bogus Secret Service ID Badge and said he was on official business. When he couldn’t explain why a Secret Service agent would need pooper scooper tools the officer became suspicious. After doing some research, he determined the badge was fake and our bozo was arrested. He’s charged with conspiracy to commit an offense against the U.S. which carries a sentence of up to 15 years in prison. He should have just gotten the light fixed.

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in West Midlands, England, where bozo Lee Frazier broke into a residence. He was surprised by the homeowner who caught him rummaging through a bedroom. A struggle ensued, and our bozo bit the man on the finger before being sent running from the house when the man’s 93-year-old mother laid into him with her walking stick. It looked like he had made a clean getaway with about $2000 worth of items he grabbed before being caught. Until, that is, the homeowners decided to do some laundry. The heard a strange rattling sound coming from the washer and, after checking, they found a tooth inside the wash tub. Cops determined that our bozo must have lost the tooth in the struggle and it fell into the clothes basket where it remained until they decided to do a load of wash. DNA tests were run on the tooth and turned up a match. Our bozo has been arrested and charged with burglary, assault and possession of drugs.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Lino Lakes, Minnesota, where the cops were called to a report of a minor accident. Upon arrival, they found bozo Janet Baker with bloodshot eyes and slurring her speech. Further investigation revealed she had rear-ended a vehicle, causing it to crash into the back of another car. All the drivers escaped with minor injuries. End of story, right? Wrong. It was the excuse she offered up for the accident that landed her in the Bozo Hall of Fame. She told the cops she was upset over Donald Trump’s election and they should overlook the fact that she’d had too much to drink and let her go home. The officers didn’t agree. She’s been charged with gross-misdemeanor charges of criminal vehicular operation and third-degree driving while intoxicated.

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Banbridge, Northern Ireland. Cops were called by suspicious neighbors who noticed a prowler outside a residence. When the cops arrived they spotted our bozo who immediately shouted to them to get off his property unless they had a warrant. He added that he was a lawyer and that he was “cleaning out his shed.” All of this might have made some sense if it wasn’t 5:30 in the morning and he wasn’t working in the dark. Oops. After they determined that it was not his property and he was not a lawyer, he was placed under arrest.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Twin Falls, Idaho, where a woman awake to a strange sound… a man rapping lyrics to a popular song. And it sounded like he was nearby. When she went downstairs, he was closer than she imagined. Our bozo crooner was standing in her kitchen. She showed songbird the door and called the cops, who arrived and found him outside the home. He was found to be in possession of a glass pipe with methamphetamine residue. He’s busted!

Bozo criminals for today come from Deal, New Jersey, where bozos Kenneth Boren and Timothy Fletcher called a cab and asked to be taken to a residence. When they arrived, they instructed the driver to wait, which he did. After a short time our bozos returned, loaded down with merchandise, including a TV and several bottles of liquor. The driver then took them to an apartment in Asbury Park where they unloaded their loot and stiffed the driver. Bad idea. The angry driver called the cops who found the stolen items inside the apartment. After confirming that a burglary had taken place at the residence, our bozos were placed under arrest.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Eugene, Oregon, where bozo John Thompson was seen acting strangely in the local Safeway. One of the employees said he was “breathing on fresh produce” and refused to leave when asked. The man then got aggressive with store employees and the cops were called. With the help of some customers, the man was detained until the officers arrived. The cops determined he was intoxicated and he was charged with harassment, disorderly conduct, second degree criminal trespass and, we would assume, improper breathing.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Lake Worth, Florida, where there had been a rash of car vandalism. A number of cars had graffiti painted on them but there was one “special” vehicle that sealed our bozo’s fate. On that car, instead of the usual graffiti, a name was clearly written. Yep, our bozo tagged the car with his own name. The cops ran a quick search of the name and a hit turned up in the neighborhood. When they went to the residence, he was found to be in possession of marijuana and was also wearing the same clothes he had on in surveillance footage of some of the crimes. He’s busted!

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Howard Rost for sending in today’s report from Ontario, Oregon, where bozo Greg Hansen was on the run from the law. After leading the cops on a high speed chase he ditched the car and ran into the woods. And that’s where things began to go terribly wrong. He came upon a large badger hole and, for reasons known only to the bozo mind, he decided to hide in it. He didn’t get very far in before he discovered it was too small for him to go any further. Unfortunately, he was stuck tight and couldn’t work his way out. As he started to lose the feeling in his arms, he decided he’d better call for help. A police dog led the cops to our stuck bozo and after 90 minutes of digging he was extricated. Luckily for him the badger was not home. He’s busted!

Bozo criminal for today comes from Negaunee Township, Michigan, where police were called to a report of an attempted break-in at a residence, with a homeowner reporting someone banging on the front door. When the cops arrived, they found the suspect on the front porch. After being confronted by the homeowner and the cops, our bozo fled into the woods. He didn’t run far, however, as the cops found him a short time later, unconscious in front of a large tree. As best as the police are able to determine, our crook ran headfirst into the tree as he attempted his getaway. He was revived and placed under arrest.