Yearly Archives: 2019

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk J Schenato for sending in today’s report from Largo, Florida, where bozo Jerry Blake walked into a Publix supermarket. After taking a look around, he grabbed a 24 bottle case of Budweiser and headed for the door, bypassing the checkout lane. When confronted by store security, he said, “You got me,” and dropped the beer, causing it to shatter on the floor. He then proceeded to simply walk out of the store. After he left, the more he thought about the incident, the madder he got. Within a few minutes, he was back inside, irate, and demanding to speak to the manager. When he began to chase employees around the store, a Pinellas County Sheriff’s deputy took notice and took him to the ground. Still, he continued to complain and resist, this time spitting on the deputy. Bad idea. Busted! Charged with obstructing or resisting an officer without violence, simple assault (two counts), battery of a law enforcement officer (two counts), resisting an officer with violence, and felony petit theft

Bozo criminal for today comes from Pullman, Washington, where our bozo, identified only as a 20-year-old Washington State University student, was booked on suspicion of underage drinking. When he was released, he noticed a lovely Christmas tree with wrapped presents underneath it in the lobby of the police station. It was just too much temptation for our bozo to resist. Security footage shows him picking up an armload of presents as he headed for the door. It didn’t take him long to realize that what he had picked up were simply empty boxes, just wrapped to make a nice holiday display. Footage also shows him tossing the boxes back toward the police station in frustration. Cops say since he stole nothing of value no further charges will be filed. Consider that your Christmas gift from the police department!

Wishing you a happy holiday season and a new year filled with more Bozos!

Bozo criminal for today comes from Riverside, California, where the annual Festival of Lights celebration was in full swing. Our bozo approached a caricature artist and asked him to sketch a portrait of him. We’re not sure whether or not our bozo liked the portrait, but instead of taking it, he grabbed the artist’s money bag and fled with around $500 in cash. Police have a nice portrait of a bozo with exaggerated features and an oversized head to use as they try to identify our thief.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Sparta, Wisconsin, where a family came home and noticed their dog barking in front of the closet door. When they tried to open the door and couldn’t, they noticed fingers reaching out from under the door, holding it shut. And that’s when our bozo shouted out “Ho, Ho, Ho,” and warned the family not to ruin their Christmas surprise by opening the door. Figuring this wasn’t Santa in the closet, they called 911. When they cops arrived, they found no one inside the closet but did discover footprints in the snow leading from the home to a garage next door. Officers got the entry code for the garage door and when they opened it, someone inside hit the button to close it. This happened several times until one officer was able to distract our bozo, allowing the cops inside. Our would be Santa was busted and charged with suspicion of trespassing and resisting or obstructing an officer.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Elkhart, Indiana, violated Bozo Rule Number 112292: If you’re going on the run from the cops, it’s a good idea to have a full tank of gas. Police received a call from a man who said his car had been stolen. Authorities were able to track it using the car’s GPS and a chase ensued. The suspect fled out of Indiana and into Michigan when suddenly he began slowing down and finally came to a complete stop. Yep, our bozo car thief had failed to check the gas gauge and was out of fuel. Busted! And since he fled across state lines, he’s facing charges in both states.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Randall Shimoda for sending in today’s report from Steuben County, Indiana, where officers stopped to help a motorist in need. Our bozo, standing next to a Toyota Corolla on the side of the road with a flat tire, told the cops he was unable to change the tire and needed a tow. Sure, the officers said…just let us get the license plate number and we’ll help you out with that. And that’s when things began to go downhill. They noticed the license plate was rather strange. In fact, the “plate” was hand written on a brown paper grocery bag. Oops. A quick check of the VIN number found the car reported as stolen. And as for our bozo? He had no drivers license and was on probation for grand larceny. Busted! Charged with Possession of Stolen Property, a Level 5 Felony, and Operating Without Ever Obtaining a License, a Level C Misdemeanor.

Bozo criminals for today from Red Bluff, California win our official Grinch award. Cops were called to the nonprofit Children First Family Foster Agency on a report of a large number of toys for needy kids at Christmas bring stolen. It was a quick investigation as surveillance video showed our bozos removing the toys from the business and taking them into a residence next door. After matching our bozos up to the video and finding the toys in their home, our bozos were placed under arrest, charged with burglary, theft and breaking and entering. Merry Christmas!

Bozo criminal for today comes from Jennings County, Indiana, where our bozo showed up at a cell phone store, asking to return his phone, which he had conveniently boxed up for shipping. Employees explained they would have to check the phone before returning it and when they opened the box they found not a phone but…a glass pipe used for smoking methamphetamine. Oops. The cops were called and, after more meth was found in his possession he was busted!

Bozo criminal for today comes from Jackson County, Kansas, where bozo Dean Carver was pulled over for a traffic violation. After it was discovered he had a suspended license and the SUV was reported as stolen, he was taken to jail. A few hours later, the cops pulled over another SUV. A quick check found the driver had a familiar name. Further investigation found this vehicle was reported as stolen also. It seems our incarcerated bozo had called his brother to get him to come to the jail and bail him out. And he did what any bozo would do…he commandeered a stolen vehicle to do the job. Busted! He’s joined his brother in jail.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Flagler County, Florida where police were on the trail of a serial shoplifter. Security camera footage caught him stealing over a thousand dollars worth of merchandise from Target stores during the month of September. Officers were on high alert for him and he was nabbed when he tried to pull another heist at a Target store. Did we mention what he was stealing? Legos. Yep, Legos. Guess he was getting ready for Christmas a little early. He’s busted!

Our post Thanksgiving Bozo Report for today features a turkey that at least one man is glad escaped the dinner table over the holiday. Our unidentified bozo was pulled over for speeding by the cops in Livermore, California. The officer was preparing to issue the man a ticket when a wild turkey approached. The aggressive bird kept pecking at the cop finally causing the officer to think better of writing the ticket, letting our bozo go with just a warning.

Bozo criminals for today come from Livingston County, Michigan, where the local cops were working with grocery stores in their annual “Cram a Cruiser” charity event to collect food for local food banks. It’s a nice event and over 18,000 pounds of non-perishable food items and $3000 in cash and gift cards were collected. Also collected were two bozos who decided that the event would provide a perfect time to shoplift $2500 in items from the store. Bad idea. The officers noticed what was going on and arrested our bozos as they pushed their carts full of loot out the front door. So it wasn’t just food that was “crammed into the cruiser.”

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Preston V. McMurry III for sending in today’s report from Phoenix, Arizona. Police received a report of a rather strange robbery. It seems our victim was walking down the street enjoying a delicious burrito when our bozo approached him and demanded that he turn it over. Realizing that it wasn’t worth fighting over, he gave it to him and called 911. Expert detective work by the cops enabled them to track our bozo down and arrest him, after finding him to still be in possession of a “burrito wrapper.” Busted! The ex-con has been charged with “theft of a burrito valued at less than $1000.”

Our bozo for today comes from the International File in Peel, Ontario, Canada, where the 911 operator received a rather unusual call. A young woman called from a taxi to inform the operator that she was running late for a train she was supposed to catch. Furthermore, she wasn’t satisfied with how fast the cab was going, so she dialed 911 to see if they offered emergency ride services. Um…the answer is no. Our bozo then apologized and hung up. No word on whether she caught that train.

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in South Normanton, England. Bozo David Smythe shoplifted some perfume sets from a local store and escaped on foot. The police were called, but our bozo wasn’t worried, as he had cleverly donned a disguise after leaving the store. However, he was quickly identified and placed under arrest. But, what about that disguise? Our bozo, who was described by the clerk as having blue eyes, brown hair, wide ears, and a notable neck tattoo had chosen to don a plain, ordinary pair of black-rimmed glasses to disguise himself. Outstanding detective work resulted in him being arrested and charged with theft.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report from Peoria, Illinois. The cops received a report that a car had driven off the road and into a field and the driver might be intoxicated. When the officer arrived our bozo refused medical treatment four times and, according to the officer, smelled of alcohol and seemed to be intoxicated. When he asked our bozo to step out of the car he began babbling incoherently and when the officer attempted to place handcuffs on him, he began to cry. After failing a field sobriety test, he offered up the Bozo Excuse of the Week. He told the cop that his breath smelled like alcohol because he had been “making out with his girlfriend” and she had been drinking. Sorry, cross-contamination doesn’t apply here. He’s busted, charged with DUI and two traffic violations.

Before we get to today’s report, a special Bozo Report Salute to whoever came up with the state of South Dakota’s new slogan in the ongoing war against drugs. Over an outline of the great state of South Dakota, in bold print, the new slogan, “Meth. We’re on it.” Rewrite!!! Now, on to today’s story from St. Petersburg, Florida, where the cops arrested 5-foot-9, 380 pound bozo Martin Simpson after officers caught him with a 28-gauge needle full of drugs at the local McDonalds. The poor soul who drew the job of doing a full body search at headquarters noticed a plastic bagging sticking out of his belly button. Further inspection found it to contain methamphetamine. His excuse, he was “just being dumb and not thinking.” We would agree.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Bozeman, Montana, where our bozo was involved in a hit and run. But in this case, what was “hit” was a fire hydrant. Cops were called to the scene where they found someone had indeed rammed their vehicle into a fire hydrant. That, in itself, is not too unusual. It was what happened afterward that landed him in the Bozo Report. Apparently, after the fire hydrant was broken off, our bozo somehow grabbed it and threw it into his car before speeding away. Take the evidence with you, right? Wrong. He took the hydrant but he left behind the bumper of his Dodge Nitro. Oops. Police say the hydrant is valued at $1500 and if our bozo would simply return it they would consider making a deal for a lesser charge.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report from Fort Pierce, Florida. Our bozo was pulled over for driving erratically and, when the officer took a look inside the car, he spotted an open can of Budweiser and an apparent drug pipe. Further investigation turned up a plastic bag with what appeared to be cocaine residue inside. It was then that he offered up the Bozo Excuse of the Week. He first said the police must have planted it, and then said that perhaps the wind had blown it into the car. That one’s not gonna work. He’s busted! We have no report of the wind speed at the time of the arrest.