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Should Have Put the Snow Chains On

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Our bozo for today from Brampton, Ontario, Canada was foiled by a number of things, including Mother Nature. Our would-be porch pirate staked out a house with a nice looking package on the front porch. He wheels into the driveway and runs to grab the package only to be confronted by the homeowner, who was recording the whole thing. He makes a hasty retreat and tries to back out of the driveway. Unfortunately, he cut the wheels too sharply and his Toyota Yaris became stuck in a snowbank. Our bozo tries to push the car out of the bank to no avail. In the meantime, the homeowner had called the cops who showed up to bust our bozo before he ever got the car unstuck.

Guess Ronco Doesn’t Make That Spray On Hair Anymore?

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Bozo criminal for today comes from Lawrenceburg, Kentucky, where bozo Jeffrey Taylor walked into a hair salon and asked an employee if she had a product that could “bring his hair back.” When she told him there was no magic potion, our bozo, described as “6’3″, 250 pounds and bald”, became belligerent and generally caused a disturbance at the shop. He was arrested and charged with misdemeanor disorderly conduct. However, outstanding warrants let to him being charged with arson, criminal mischief and violating a protective order. Perhaps the jailhouse barber will be able to help him with his hairy problem.

This Is One Energizer Bunny That Didn’t Keep Going

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Bozo criminal for today comes from North Bend, Washington, where the cops noticed a car on I-90 with what was described as “extremely dim headlights”. Our bozo was pulled over and the officer noticed the car had significant front end damage. Enough damage that the standard equipment headlights were missing and had been replaced by a couple of flashlights that our bozo had duct taped to the frame. Bad idea. This is not legal. Also not legal is driving with a suspended license. He’s busted!

The Tank Isn’t the Only Thing Empty Here

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Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report from Blair County, Pennsylvania. Let’s follow along in this Bozo Timeline. One: Steal a gray Audi SUV. Check. Two: Take off on Route 22 but fail to check the vehicle’s gas gauge. Uh, check. Three: Coast to a stop on the side of the road and call, not AAA, not a tow truck, but instead the state police to ask for help. Check. Four: Go to jail after the cop arrives and determines the vehicle is stolen. Check and busted!

Guess He Can Forget That Side Hustle As a Mime

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Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in South Plympton, Australia. The cops were called to a report of a prowler at a building site. When they arrived, they cordoned off the area and brought in a K-9 patrol. After initially finding nothing, the cops noticed something strange. A statue that seemed to be out of place. Further investigation found that the statue seemed to be breathing. Yep, our bozo had hidden in plain sight by pretending to be a statue. He’s busted! Charged with criminal trespass.

Maybe He Was Looking For Some New Clothes

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Bozo criminal for today comes from Goose Creek, South Carolina, where the local neighborhood group had been fielding complaints about a “porch pirate”, a guy stealing packages from residences. They even had a video of him in action which they posted up on their Facebook page. Goose Creek police also follow that page and noted that he was wearing a distinctive green t-shirt. Then, for reasons known only to the Bozo Mind, he turned up the next day at a courtroom, wearing the same green shirt. Oops. After a quick confirmation that it was indeed the guy in the video, he was busted!

Hey, the Pole Was Just Laying on the Ground!

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Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report from Lakeland, Florida. It seems our bozo was cruising around in his 1997 Toyota sedan when he came upon a downed utility pole on I-4. So, did he call the highway department to report it? Nope. Maybe move it out of the way? Well, sort of. Load it onto the roof of his Toyota and head to the nearest recycling center? Yep. He was turned away because he didn’t have the proper documentation for the pole. Someone called the cops and he was stopped nearby, with the pole still strapped onto the car. He’s been charged with grand theft and dealing in stolen property.

Three Strikes For the “300” Driver!

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Our bozo for today from Detroit, Michigan, went cruising in his Chrysler 300. Not sure if this particular model has a Hemi but he was clocked by the cops weaving in and out of traffic at a speed in excess of 100 MPH. Strike one. When he could not produce a driver’s license he was charged with driving without a license. Strike two. And, what’s that on the floorboard? A Glock 43X? And can you produce a Concealed Pistol License? You can’t? Strike three and busted! Charged with carrying a concealed weapon. He’s cooling his heels in the Detroit Detention Center.

His Next Stop Was To Pick Up a Coffee Table

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Bozo criminal for today from Happy Valley, Oregon, violated Bozo Rule Number 22-223321: It’s best to keep your getaway vehicle as inconspicuous as possible. Cops received a call of an armed robbery at the local Ace Hardware store. The suspect had pulled a gun on a store employee and then had fled in a Mazda. Oh, and one more thing, that Mazda had a sofa strapped to the roof. And did we mention it was also raining at the time? Since there aren’t many couch carrying Mazdas on the road during a thunderstorm, the cops caught up with our bozo rather quickly. After a brief chase, he was apprehended and placed under arrest. And that couch? It escaped without a scratch.

I Told You We Should Have Stolen A Chevy Instead!!

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Our Bozos for today from the International File in Canberra, Australia, gives us another example of Bozos foiled by modern technology. Our bozos had their eyes on a Tesla Model 3 and they decided to take it for a drive. The owner immediately received a message on her phone that her car’s alarm was going off. The owner then began tracking the car while calling the cops. She then decided to annoy our bozos by using the app to place a speed limit on the car and also rolling down the windows and honking the horn. Deciding that this wasn’t as much fun as they expected, our bozos ditched the car, but in their haste they left behind one very important item. The thief’s drivers license. Oops. The cops where quickly able to track them down and make an arrest.

Rookie, Taste That Creamy White Substance and Tell Me What It Is!

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Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Mathias Joost for sending in today’s report from Topeka, Kansas. At around 3:30 AM, cops were called to a report of a disturbance at a convenience store. Upon arrival, they found a naked teen, covered from head to toe in a creamy white substance. He had damaged some items inside the store before heading outside and jumping into a running vehicle, which he promptly crashed into a pillar. Further investigation determined he was covered in ranch dressing and under the influence of an unknown substance. He was taken into custody before being rinsed off and released to his parents.

Man With the Golden Bum

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Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Kannur, India. A flight had just landed from Dubai and customs officials noticed an man walking awkwardly and apparently in a bit of discomfort. They did a quick search and found nothing in his pockets on on his person. So, the next check was to see if there was something IN his person. And that’s when they struck gold, literally. They found that he had two pounds of gold bars into his rectum. Yikes. He’s busted and charged with smuggling.

At Least Check the Name On the Mailbox First

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Bozo criminals for today from Covina, California, came up with a simple plan to make some quick cash. They would go door to door claiming to be members of the local high school football team and asking for donations. Good idea until…they rang the doorbell of the high school football coach. He asked them to name the football coach and of course they couldn’t. Busted!

For a Little Variety, They Could Have Thrown In the Barney Song

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Bozo criminals for today come from the Internal Affairs Department in Oklahoma City, Oklahoma. According to court documents, two former detention officers have been charged with with cruelty to a prisoner. So what exactly did they do? Physically abuse him? Nope. Withhold food or water? Nah. Make him listen to the children’s song “Baby Shark” over and over and over? Yep. Now that is cruel and unusual punishment. The investigation continues.

A Drone, Maybe, But an Airplane?

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Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report from Montville, Connecticut. It seems our bozo was charged with robbery and assault at a local Chinese restaurant. And the cops had damning evidence, too, a DNA match made on blood taken from the parking lot where he got into a scuffle with a man while trying to rob him. With things looking bad, our bozo offered up the Bozo Excuse of the Month. While he didn’t deny the blood was his, he said that a phlebotomist who took his blood several years ago dropped his DNA on the scene by airplane. Yep, a plane swooped in and planted the blood sample. Don’t think so. He’s busted!

No, You Can’t Take This Item For a Test Drive

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Bozo criminal for today comes from Fort Pierce, Florida, where the cops were called to an adult store on a report of a disturbance. Upon arrival, employees told the cops there was a naked woman in the back, who they believed had shoplifted an item. Officers found the woman in the storeroom, pleasuring herself with a sex toy. Yikes! The woman followed the officer’s instructions to, um, drop Mr. Happy and put your hands up. She faces misdemeanor charges of theft and indecent exposure.

Well, One Thing’s For Sure, This Mask Takes Care Of the 6-Foot Distancing Rule

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Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Manchester, England. Britain, like most places, has a law requiring masks be worn in public places. Our bozo was seen walking onto a bus with a rather unusual face covering. His “mask” was made of snakeskin. After he was seated on the bus one of the passengers snapped a picture of the “mask” as it started to move. Further inspection found that the face covering was actually a real live snake that the man had wrapped around his nose and mouth. Authorities said while the snake was “not a proper face mask” the man was issued a warning and allowed to go on his way.

Well, Business Has Been Slow During the Pandemic

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Bozo criminal for today comes from Memphis, Tennessee, where the cops were having problems with a man abusing the 911 service. They say Bozo Han Nguyen had called 911 241 times on September 1 and 32 times on September 2. And just what prompted all those calls? Officers say he asked the 911 operator if he wanted to buy some egg rolls. Guess the answer was no. He’s under arrest.

Heyyyy….Where Ya Goin’?

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Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Randall Shimoda for sending in today’s report from Trenton, Ohio, where a sergeant with the sheriff’s office was on his way to work when he noticed something strange. A car seemed to be following him. Turn left, the car turned, turn right, the car turned. Turn into the police parking lot, the car followed. And that’s when the officer identified our bozo as Christina Cook who was driving a stolen driver’s education car belonging to B-Safe Driver’s School. When he asked her why she was following him, she came up with the Bozo Excuse of the Week. She told him she “just wanted to see where he was going.” She found out and was given a personal tour of the jail. Busted!

At Least He Saved Them the Trouble of Pulling Him Over

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Bozo criminal for today comes from Charlotte County, Florida, where the sheriff’s department had started a new campaign to curtail drunk driving. Part of the plan included placing a digital sign on the side of the highway that read, “Drive Sober or Get Pulled Over.” The sign hadn’t been up for long before bozo James Chadwick crashed into it. The cops found him sitting in his damaged Mazda, apparently unaware that he had even crashed into the sign. After blowing a .166 on the breathalyzer, twice the legal limit, he was placed under arrest.