Yearly Archives: 2002

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Sean Linthicum for sending in today’s report. In real estate, the key phrase is “Location, location, location.” This doesn’t always hold true in the bozo universe as today’s story from Altoona, Iowa will prove. Father and son bozo team David and Jesse Vance analyzed the situation and decided that their home was the perfect place from which to sell marijuana. Good location, right on the corner of a busy street, directly across from the Altoona Police Station. Oops. They’ve been arrested.

We’ve known for a long time that bozos aren’t the bravest of souls and today’s story goes a long way toward proving that point. From the International File in the Czech Republic comes the story of a bozo burglar who broke into a pub. As he was making his way toward the cash register he was frightened out of his wits by loud music. And on a wall across the room, in the dim light he thought he could make out something moving. That was enough for him and he quickly bolted out the door. And just what was it that frightened our bozo so? Well, some places have a watch dog. This particular place had a watch fish. One of those “sing n swing” fish that flops around and sings a song. That’s right, our bozo was foiled by Big Mouth Billy Bass.

Another one today from our Bozo Lonely Hearts Club. From the International File in Gateshead, England comes the story of Bozo Mark Waverly who held up a store and while making his getaway noticed a particularly fine woman waiting at the bus stop. So fine was she that our bozo just had to stop and ask her for a date. After making small talk with her for a few minutes he wrote his name and telephone number on her hand and went on his way. Later, when the woman saw a video tape of the robbery, she recognized the thief as her suitor and called the cops, giving them his name and phone number. His next date is with the judge.

Bozo criminal for today comes from the home of the Bozo Report, Tyler, Texas. It’s the story of a couple of bozos who violated Bozo Rule Number 3443: Never jump over a fence unless you know what’s on the other side. Tyler police surprised a couple of bozos nosing around the Classic Toyota lot late the other night. When our bozos spotted the cops, they took off, with one of them jumping over a nearby fence in an effort to get away. No doubt as soon as he hit the ground, our bozo knew he had made a serious mistake. He had jumped into a yard containing a couple of Rottweiler dogs. Big Rottweilers. Big, mean Rottweilers. Making a quick decision about which was the lesser of the two evils, our bozo jumped back over the fence and surrendered to the cops.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Hallandale Beach, Florida where an unidentified bozo walked into a branch of Bank United and handed the teller a holdup note. The note was written in such a scrawl that the teller couldn’t make heads nor tails of it so she asked hour bozo what he wanted. He tried to respond but the teller couldn’t understand his mix of Spanish and English. Quite a commotion ensued with our bozo shouting and gesturing at the note but never quite getting his point across. Finally, he gave up and left. Maybe he should try to steal a word processor.

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Nice, France, and as you’ll see, there may also be a bozo victim here. You’re no doubt aware of the introduction of the new Euro bills in Europe last week. It seems a few folks over there may not have gotten the memo. On the first day the new money was legal tender a bozo purchased a round of drinks by giving the bartender what he told him was one of the new Euro bills. The bartender accepted the bill and brought out the drinks. It was only after he had left that someone noticed our bozo had paid not with a new Euro bill but with a bill from the European version of Monopoly.

Bozo criminals for today come from the international file in Vancouver, British Columbia, Canada where three bozos were in the middle of a hold up when one of them accidentally hit the redial on the cell phone they were carrying. That call went to an answering machine which recorded the whole thing, including one of our bozos telling the victim, “You’re being jacked” and then later the three arguing among themselves over how to split their$100 take. The owner of the answering machine turned the tape over to the cops, who, with the help of local radio stations who played the tape on the air, were quickly able to identify the bozos.

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in southern Sweden and he did so many things wrong it’s hard to know where to begin. First of all our bozo, a member of the Hell’s Angels motorcycle gang came home, began running water in his bathtub and promptly fell asleep. First mistake. The water soon began to overflow, running out the front door. His neighbors, fearing the worst, called the cops. They arrived and awoke our bozo who told them he was filling the bathtub with water for his pet crocodile. Second mistake. Crocodiles are illegal to keep as pets. When the cops came in to take a look around they discovered the crocodile was used to guard our bozo’s cache of illegal guns. Third mistake. And with three strikes against him, our bozo was arrested.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Mike Sheffield for sending in today’s report. From Los Angeles, California comes the story of bozo Robert Thompson who was looking for a thrill and may have gotten more than he had bargained for. Our bozo broke into a 36 story office tower at 2 in the morning, made his way to the top and jumped off, using a parachute to float to the ground. His timing wasn’t perfect, however. He set off an alarm when he broke in and the officers arrived just in time to have our bozo land directly on top of their patrol car. They helped him off and arrested him.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Miami, Florida where bozo Marsha Ross Grabbed $900 worth of clothes from a store in the mall and dashed out with security guards in hot pursuit. She ran into the parking lot and spotted a car with an open front door, and jumped inside, hoping to hide. Bad idea. She had climbed into the car of Miami-Dade police major Grace O’Donnell and her husband, Miami-Dade police lieutenant James O’Donnell. (Shall I arrest her, darling, or do you want to?) She’s now in custody.

Bozo criminals for today come from the International File in Launceston, Australia. A gang of bozo tried to steal a cash machine inside a shopping center. First they forced open the doors of the mall to get to the ATM inside. So far so good. But this was a big, heavy duty cash machine and it would require big, heavy duty equipment to break into it. But they were prepared. Before going to the mall they had stolen a truck with some welding equipment on it. They drug the welder inside and went to work on the ATM. And that’s when things started to go sour. Perhaps they forgot that cash is flammable. The heat from the welding torch incinerated the money.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Heater Lawrence for alerting us to this bozo from a recent column by Dave Barry. From Vernon, Connecticut comes the story of bozo James Hardt who wins our bozo award for Worst Disguise of the Month and perhaps of the year. It’s tough to imagine anyone coming up with a worse one. Our bozo planned to rob the local mini mart of which he was a regular customer so he needed a good disguise. For reasons known only to the bozo brain he picked shaving cream as his disguise. Yes, he covered his face with shaving cream and went in to demand money. Unfortunately, the store manager immediately recognized our bozo, who went running from the store and was quickly captured by the cops.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for contributing today’s report. You can accuse our bozo for today of being many things but being dirty is not one of them. Our bozo is from Bedford, Indiana where he apparently broke into a home and decided to take himself a nice long shower. A builder working in the house heard the sound of the shower and asked our bozo what he was doing there. He replied that it was his grandmother’s house and he was visiting. Knowing this was a lie, the builder grabbed our bozo’s clothes and called the cops while he was still lathered up. Unfortunately before the cops arrived our bozo toweled off and dashed out the back door. Cops are looking for a naked, but clean bozo.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Gregg Hanke for sending in today’s report. In case you need further proof that bozos have the worst sense of direction of any creature, here’s another story to prove that fact. From Yakima, Washington comes the story of bozo Harold Lane who shoplifted a DVD player from a store in the mall. Our bozo burst out of the front entrance with mall security in hot pursuit. He quickly ran across the street and into the county’s restitution center, a minimum security jail. Quickly realizing this was not the place to be, he bolted out with officers from the Department of Corrections now joining mall security in hot pursuit. He then ran into a nearby field where he met up with local police answering a call of a robbery at the mall. He’s been arrested.