Yearly Archives: 2002

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Mark Sheen for sending in today’s report. From Mentor, Ohio comes the story of bozo graffiti artist Barry Lucas who spray painted a couple of obscene phrases on the wall at the local skate park. Unfortunately for him a few things combined to get him busted. First there were quite a few people in the park, including a couple of guys who were video taping other skateboarders. Noticing what he was doing, they caught him in the act on tape. And then there was that sign, out in plain view for everyone to see, that said, "$500 reward for vandal information." When they skated over to him, camera still running, and asked him his name, of course our bozo proudly gave it to them. They gave the tape to the cops and our budding Picasso was arrested.

Bozo criminals for today come from Boulder, Colorado where bozos Robert Lamar and Richard Landers stole a Jeep Cherokee from a repair shop. They then headed over to the nearest 7-Eleven and offered to trade the Jeep for two six packs of beer. The clerk declined the offer and called the cops but our bozos were long gone before they arrived. End of story, right? Wrong. Keep in mind we’re dealing with bozos here. They returned to the same store two days later and again offered to trade the Jeep for two six packs of beer. This time they weren’t so lucky. An officer arrived in time and arrested them.

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Linz, Austria. An unidentified bozo was trying to break into a nursery when his foot got caught in a crack as he was entering through a window. There he was, stuck halfway in and halfway out of the building. And it was getting cold, too. Not seeing any other way out of his predicament, our bozo reached for his cell phone and placed a call. To a friend? No. To his parents? Nope. To an emergency rescue team? Nah. To the cops? Yep. He called the police and they were glad to come by and free him before they took him to jail.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Jeffrey Davis for sending in today’s report. From Anchorage, Alaska comes the story of bozo Todd Smith who needed tools. Lots of them. So he stopped by a construction site one evening and loaded the back of his pickup with them. So far so good. But he hadn’t counted on what the extra weight in the back of the truck and the muddy conditions of the work site would do. Namely, cause the rear of his truck to sink axle deep in the muck. He was trying to unload some of the stuff from the truck to get himself unstuck when the cops arrived.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Jackson, Mississippi where bozo Ronald Simington was pulled over by the cops after a traffic accident. Our bozo offered up the excuse that he was a state trooper and was pursuing another suspect when the accident occurred. OK, said the officer, if you’re really a cop, then this must be your patrol car. Please turn on your lights and siren. Our bozo reached toward the dash and threw an imaginary switch. Unfortunately, the imaginary lights and siren didn’t come on. He’s been sent to a real jail.

The old phrase "The early bird catches the worm" doesn’t always apply in the Bozo Universe as today’s story will prove. From Wiggins, Colorado comes the story of a bozo who had a plan to rob a bright, shiny new ATM machine located in the entryway of the High Plains National Bank. He crashed his car through the front doors of the bank, in the process knocking the ATM over. He then went to work on the machine, prying it open. Much to his surprise there was no cash to be found inside. Not one bill. The newly installed ATM had not yet been loaded with cash. In fact, it hadn’t even been plugged in yet. He left empty handed.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report. From the International File in Messina, Italy comes the story of bozo Furio Romano who snatched a gold chain from around a woman’s neck and sprinted away down the street. He didn’t get very far, however. He stuffed the chain in his mouth as he ran and as he began to breathe harder he sucked the necklace down his windpipe and fell choking to the ground. Luckily for him the cops were close behind and gave him the Heimlich maneuver before arresting him.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report. From the International File in Amstenrade, Holland comes the story of a bozo thief who had really bad timing. Our bozo wanted to steal a satellite dish but unfortunately for him the dish he chose to steal was in use at the time. By a homeowner who was very interested in a soccer game and who was not happy when he missed seeing a goal. The sounds of the homeowner cursing the TV sent our bozo scurrying from the roof. Police are still looking for him.

Bozo for today may not have committed any crime but there is no doubt he is a first rate bozo. From Buffalo, New York, a city not known its championship sports teams, comes the story of bozo Brian Armstrong whose frustrations finally got the better of him. Bozo Brian was watching the videotape of a 1999 NHL playoff game with his brother and got angry once again that his team had lost. To take out his frustrations, he picked up the TV and attempted to throw it off the balcony but apparently forgot to let go and fell 20 feet to the ground. He suffered only minor injuries. The TV was not so lucky.

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Rome, Italy. Two Italian bozos had a plan to rip off their insurance company. They first met in a public place to discuss exactly how they would pull off the operation, first by crashing their cars into each other and then faking injuries. It sounded like such a foolproof plan that they went ahead and did it, smashing their cars into each other. This all would have been fine except for one small matter. Our bozos failed to notice a film crew nearby when they were discussing their plan. A crew from the Italian network Telepiu was there on another assignment and just happened to catch the whole thing on tape, including our bozos discussing how they planned to defraud the insurance company. After returning to the studio and discovering what they had, they TV crew turned the tape over to the cops and our bozos were arrested.

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Leonards, Scotland. An unidentified bozo walked into Della’s Chicken, pulled a handgun and demanded cash. But the employees at Della’s would have none of it and began pelting our bozo with hot deep fried chicken drumsticks. He found himself in the middle of a blizzard of drumsticks and those things, thrown with enough velocity, can hurt. Our bozo quickly thought better of things and fled the store empty handed.

Bozo criminal for today comes from St. Peter, Minnesota where bozo Olga Rodriguez was seen driving erratically. An officer attempted to pull her over by turning on his flashing lights. No response from our bozo. He then tried both the lights and his siren and still our bozo kept on driving. Finally he was forced to radio for help and after about four miles she was pinned in by several cruisers. When the officers approached her car, our bozo was quite indignant, saying she did not notice the flashing lights and had her stereo turned up so she could not hear the siren. And besides, if they really wanted her to stop, all they had to do was call her on her cell phone.

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Bucharest, Romania where two bozo burglars thought they were doing the right thing when they put socks on their hands to avoid leaving behind fingerprints when they robbed a cellular phone store. This could possibly have been a good idea if they had used clean socks. Instead they took their old, smelly socks off their feet and put them on their hands. They must have been some potent socks. A police dog was able to track them down from the smell of those socks and they were under arrest less than two hours later.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for alerting us to this one. From the International File in Grimsby, England comes the story of an unidentified bozo who broke into a residence and stole a purse containing several bank cards. Unfortunately they were the type that required a pin number to access the account. So he did what any bozo would do in a situation like this. He called the owner and asked if she would please give him the pin numbers. She declined. Cops are still looking for him.

Bozo criminal for today also supplies us with out Bozo Excuse of the Month. >From the International File in Santiago, Chile comes the story of a bozo who was growing himself a little marijuana crop. It was where he was growing it that got him into trouble. On his balcony in plain view of everyone, including the cops. It was when the cops began questioning him that he came up with his classic excuse. He told the police he was making a film about the life of reggae musician Bob Marley and needed the plants to provide a realistic set. He’ll have to put off his film career for a while. He’s under arrest.

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Nottinghamshire, England where a bozo snatched a woman’s purse containing a little cash and a cell phone. A short time later her husband, Steve O’Brian, decided to call the cell number. Someone answered the phone but didn’t say anything. In the background Steve heard someone order a Big Mac. So he zipped over to the nearest McDonald’s and once inside called the phone again. The phone rang and this time Steve was close enough to see our bozo pick it up and answer. He walked over to her and she gave up the phone and the purse without a fight.

Bozo criminal for today come from our “When ya gotta go” file. From Tallahassee, Florida comes the story of bozo Carl Forrest who was answering the call of nature on the side of the road when he was spotted by a police patrol car. The cops pulled up, shouted at him and in his haste to get himself in order our bozo stuffed the cigarette he was smoking in his pants pocket and took off running. The police gave chase but our bozo was smokin’. Literally. The cigarette had caught his pants on fire. He tried to pull them off but got himself tripped up and arrested.

Bozo criminals for today come from Fairbanks, Alaska where bozos Roger Young and William Evans broke into the local Moose Lodge. All they found inside was an old safe. But it was so large our bozos figured it had to be valuable. It took some doing but they were able to wrestle the 500 pound monster to the side door. It was what to do with it once they got it outside that posed a major problem. It was a cinch they weren’t going to be able to cart it away on the two bicycles they rode to the lodge. The still hadn’t figured it out when the police arrived.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report. From Orlando, Florida comes the story of an unidentified bozo from Columbia who perhaps misunderstood what “laundering” means in drug cases. Our bozo showed up at the Orlando International Airport wearing a very heavily starched shirt and jeans. When he walked there was a strong smell of vinegar in the air and a trail of white powder fell from his clothes. The clothes had been “starched” with heroin. He’s now wearing unstarched prison black and whites.

Bozo criminals for today come from Lebanon, Ohio. Bozos Warren Calder and Frankie Payne were inmates at the Lebanon Correctional Institution when they placed a collect call to two women and one man on the outside. During the course of the conversation they somehow convinced their three friends to pull two bank robberies in the Akron area and share the loot with them. One of our bozos even called the getaway driver’s cell phone during a holdup to check on how things were going. After all this careful planning our bozos forgot one thing. All prison telephone conversations are recorded. All five are now behind bars.