Yearly Archives: 2006

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Bob Hammond for sending in today’s report. From Salem, Oregon comes the story of bozos Jermiah Blackerby and Rex Sutton who were pulled over by the cops for a signal violation. As the cop is talking to our bozo driver, he notices the bozo in the passenger’s seat is talking on his cell phone. A moment later, he hears the dispatcher issue a call for officers to a stabbing just a block away. Then the officer hears the guy in the passenger seat say something about a knife fight. Putting two and two together he realizes what is going on. Our bozo’s buddy has made a fake 911 call about a non-existent stabbing to try to get out of the traffic stop. Didn’t work. After a search of the car turned up a number of stolen checks, our bozos were placed under arrest.

Bozo criminals for today obviously forgot Bozo Rule Number 23145: These things always work better on TV. From the International File in Ivanhoe, Australia comes the story of three bozos who escaped from a minimum security prison. Our bozos made it to a nearby road and, still clad in their prison gear, attempted to flag down a car. Much to their delight, the first car that passed by stopped. And with good reason, it was an unmarked police car. They’ve been returned to prison.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Barbara Goldstein for sending in today’s report. From the International File in Berlin, Germany comes the story of an unidentified bozo who was caught red-handed trying to steal a computer from an office. It was what he did when confronted by the cops that boggles all but the bozo brain. He dropped to the floor and played dead. Literally. He didn’t move a muscle as the cops examined him. It was only when emergency personnel showed up and tried to insert a breathing tube into his trachea that our bozo gave up his ruse. Our master thespian has been charged with burglary.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Randy Shereda for sending in today’s report. From Trenton, New Jersey comes the story of bozo Donald Ray Box who was serving time at the county jail for auto theft when he came up with a classic bozo money making scheme. He sent extortion letters to the FBI and local banks threatening to bomb their buildings if they didn’t deposit $20,000 in his bank account. No, not in a special numbered Swiss account, but instead in his inmate bank account at the county jail. And to make sure it went to the right place, he included his full name and inmate number. He’s been transferred to a more secure prison and has had charges of extortion added to his rap sheet.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Alex Edwards for sending in today’s report. From the International File in Dunedin, New Zealand comes the story of two bozos who violated Bozo Rule Number 86532: When it comes to a disguise, keep it simple. Our bozos heisted a trampoline and were carrying it down the street at 1 AM. That in itself would certainly attract the attention of the police. But it was their choice of disguise that really sank them. For reasons known only to the Bozo Brain, they decided to dress up as Smurfs, the formerly popular cartoon characters. Papa Smurf and his accomplices are under arrest.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Westlake, Ohio where bozo Maria Bryant was getting a little thirsty, so she walked into the Moosehead Saloon. Since she looked a little young, the bartender asked to see an ID. Our bozo reached into her purse and tossed the ID to the bartender who did a double take. She was looking at her own driver’s license, which, along with her credit cards, had been stolen a few weeks back. Yep, our bozo had ordered a drink from the very person whose home she had burglarized previously. Suspecting something was up, she ran out of the bar only to be arrested by the cops a short time later.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Howard Rost for sending in today’s report. From Springfield, Vermont comes the story of bozo Paul Mitchell who had done his research and found a location that was really in need of a liquor store. So, he applied to the state alcoholic beverage commission to request a license to sell liquor our of his home. One big problem, our bozo was in the Springfield Correctional Center and the address he gave as his home was the jail. Needless to say, the request was denied.

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Hamburg, Germany where bozo Michael Baumgarden broke into and robbed a leisure center. Unfortunately, he left behind a crucial piece of evidence which led the police right to him. His finger. He caught it on a metal fence and ripped it off as he was trying to escape. Police found the severed digit and were able to match up the fingerprint to our bozo. Minus one finger, he’s now behind bars.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report. From Enid, Oklahoma comes the story of bozo brothers Buddy Joe and Ricky Swain who were walking past a couple of cops eating lunch when one of them wised off about the officers not eating at a donut shop. Bad idea, as this caused the cops to take notice of them. Worse idea, they were on their way to the local Wal-Mart where they stole a stereo. Worst possible idea, they walked back past the cops a few minutes later with the stolen stereo in a Wal-Mart shopping cart. The cops, still upset at the boys comment, decided to talk to them and when they gave inconsistent stories about how they got the stereo, checked with the Wal-Mart manager who confirmed the robbery. They’ve been charged with theft.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Marion Maher for sending in today’s report. From Bellevue, Washington comes the story of bozo Thomas Hardt who broke into several cars the other evening. Apparently that can be tiring work and after burglarizing a large van, our bozo decided to take a little break and curled up in the back and fell sound asleep. There were a couple of problems he wasn’t aware of. First, the parking lot that he had chosen to vandalize was the facility where city vehicles are sent for maintenance and refueling. And that van he had fallen asleep in was a Bellevue police SWAT vehicle. When the two members of the SWAT team arrived the next morning to pick up the van, o1154101874

Bozo criminal for today comes from the Bozo Lonely Hearts Club at the University of Central Florida. Bozo Matthew Daughtry was very lonely and hadn’t had a date for a very long time, so he took a new and decidedly Bozo approach to meeting women. He set the couch in the lobby of the dorm on fire. His theory was that he would be able to talk to the ladies as the place was being evacuated. The only people he was successful in meeting were the cops. He’s been arrested and charged with arson.

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Ingolstadt, Germany, where an unidentified bozo was released from jail after serving time for theft. Obviously, he was not rehabilitated, as he walked out of jail and promptly stole a police officer’s bicycle and rode away. He didn’t get very far before he was rearrested.

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Frankfurt, Germany where an unidentified bozo locked himself out of his apartment. He called a locksmith but discovered that he didn’t have enough cash to pay him to come out and unlock his door. So he instead put it on a credit card, right? Wrong. Maybe he called a friend and asked to borrow the money? Nope. Instead, he went into the basement and started a fire which burned the place down. That’ll show ’em! Not only did he lose his belongings, he’s also been charged with arson.

Bozo criminal for today went to the well once too often…well, in this case he went to the window once too often. From the International File in Zagreb, Croatia comes the story of an unidentified bozo who held up a string of betting shops, robbing 35 bookies over a period of a few months and never bothering to wear a disguise. Since he was flush with cash, the temptation to place a bet was just too great. So, he went back to one of the shops to place his wager and was immediately recognized by the teller as someone who had robbed him. He called the cops.Our bozo lost that bet. He’s under arrest.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report. From Callaway County, Missouri comes the story of bozos Joseph Schwartz and Michael Sorrels who were drug dealers. And like most dealers, they were just a little paranoid. So worried were they that the cops would pull their car over and discover their two pound stash of meth that they came up with a foolproof plan for disposing of the stuff. Well, foolproof, but not Bozoproof. They loaded the meth into a four foot long rocket which they placed in the truck. Using an elaborate system of ropes and pulleys, the rocket could be pulled into an upright position and then, at the flip of a switch, be sent blasting into the ozone, far away from the prying eyes of the police. Or that was the plan. When a highway patrolman pulled them over, the trunk popped open, the rocket rose into position, but nothing happened when they hit the switch. They had forgotten to plug the firing mechanism into the cigarette lighter. Busted!

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Zagreb, Croatia where an unidentified bozo was really proud of his speedy new motorcycle. So proud, in fact, that he took a picture of himself, showing the bike’s speedometer registering over 100 MPH as he sped down a country road. He then posted the photo on the internet. The police got wind of it and tracked him down, intending to give him a speeding ticket. He got another ticket when the cops discovered that the bike had been illegally imported and wasn’t even registered. Busted!

Bozo criminal for today comes from Aloha, Oregon where bozo Lorna Dugan’s neighbors called the cops to complain about the noise coming from her house. A deputy arrived and our bozo agreed to keep it down. It was after he left that her problems really started. Thinking the officer was just about the cutest guy she had seen in a while, our bozo called 911 to ask if the dispatcher could send the "cutie pie" deputy back again. When asked why she needed his assistance, our bozo told the operator she wanted him to return so she could give him her phone number, in hopes of a future date. Not a good idea. The 911 number is for emergencies, not for making a dream date. She’s been charged with 911 misuse, which carries a maximum sentence of one year in jail.

Bozo criminals for today come from Athens, Alabama, where bozos James Martin and Brandon Lane stole several pieces of heavy equipment, including a forklift, a backhoe and a bulldozer. So they took this stuff and sold it for cash, right? Wrong. These good old boys headed out into the woods and had their own heavy equipment version of a destruction derby, crashing the various pieces into each other. Our boys were busted after neighbors complained about all the loud crashing sounds coming from the woods…Them Duke boys is in a whole mess of trouble!

Bozo criminal for today comes from Sylvester, Georgia where bozo Calvin Brady broke into a residence and stole several items, including a checkbook. Thinking he could get some quick cash at a nearby bank, he tried to pass one of the checks with a drive-thru teller. As luck would have it, he had broken into that very teller’s home and he presented her with one of her own checks for cashing. She stalled him by asking for some identification. He obliged by giving her his drivers license and social security card. She called the cops. He’s under arrest.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Joey Schwartzman for sending in today’s report from the International File in Western Australia. Two unidentified bozos were in the process of burglarizing a building when they encountered a third man. And since this guy was carrying a gun, our bozo burglars did just what you wouldn’t expect. They called the cops to ask for help. Police rushed to the scene and placed all three under arrest.