Yearly Archives: 2006

Bozo criminal for today comes from Kansas City, Kansas where an unidentified bozo walked into a convenience store and picked up a can of soda. She then went to the counter and, as the clerk opened the register, she leaned over and tried to snatch some cash. The clerk was having none of it and grabbed the woman by the shirt. As she struggled to get away, she lost her shirt and ran topless from the store, along with the $3 she got from the register. A few minutes later, she came back into the store to demand her shirt back. The clerk said OK, but first give me the $3 back. Fair trade. She gave him the money and he gave her the shirt. The cops are looking for the topless bandit…and, no, we don’t know if there is a video.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Barbara Goldstein for sending in today’s report. From St. Paul, Minnesota comes the story of bozo drug dealer Corey Richardson who stashed his marijuana in his six year old son’s Scooby-Doo backpack. Trouble arose when the kid went to school and his teacher asked him to remove a folder from the backpack and he pulled out a bag containing 25 smaller baggies of pot. School officials seized the weed and called the cops. At about that same time our bozo realized what had happened and rushed to the school to retrieve his dope. Bad timing. He’s been charged with drug dealing.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Queens, New York, where bozo deadbeat dad Timothy Graham told a family court judge that he was unemployed and would have difficulty paying child support for his eight year old daughter. The judge took pity on him and ordered him to pay reduced child support payments of $60. Things were going fine until our bozo gave his ex his old PDA. Unknown to him, it kept receiving his e-mails, several of which discussed payment for design work, including one $1500 job and a proposal for a $35,000 project. Oops. She took the evidence back to the judge who upped his child support payments significantly.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Kenner, Louisiana where bozo Ronnie Walker was having some fun with his friends, acting out the words to a rap song. When our bozo got to the part of the song where it said, "Shoot", he did. Firing off the pistol he was holding, our bozo fatally wounded one of his friends. Police say he told them he didn’t realize the gun was loaded. He’s under arrest.

Bozo criminals for today come from Wichita, Kansas where two unidentified bozos walked into a grocery store and demanded money from the cashier. In a major flaw in their plan, one of our bozos was an employee of the store and was recognized by the cashier. He compounded his problems by showing up for work the next day driving the same vehicle that was used in the heist. He and his friend have been charged with robbery.

Bozo criminal for today violated Bozo Rule Number 89432: When working at night, bring along a flashlight. From Provo, Utah comes the story of bozo Julio Ortega who broke into a business only to discover it was too dark inside to be able to find anything. So, he took off his shirt and set it on fire to give himself some light. Not the brightest idea. The smoke from our bozo’s "torch" set off the fire alarm. The cops and the fire department soon arrived and he was placed under arrest.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk James Train for sending in today’s report from San Diego, California. Bozo Alvin Coffman walked into a bank and tried to withdraw some money from his account. When the teller told him his account was empty, he was undeterred. He simply said, "OK, then. This is a robbery," and demanded the teller give him $11,000. She gave him some cash, along with a dye pack, and tripped the silent alarm. Our bozo walked outside, where the dye pack exploded. He was about to go back inside to complain about the poor customer service when an officer arrived and placed him under arrest.

Thanks to several Bozo News Hawks for alerting us to this one from Fort Worth, Texas. Bozo Larry Bates broke into a liquor store. Unfortunately for him, the breaking in part was just about the only part he got right. Once inside, he crawled a short distance through the ceiling before it gave way, sending him crashing 20 feet to the floor. A store security camera then captured the rest of his adventure. After about five minutes he came to, staggered to the cash register and grabbed some cigarettes. Now, for his getaway. He attempted to climb back up to the ceiling using a make-shift ladder, but it collapsed. So, he tried to break the store’s plexiglas door with a beer keg. No luck. He then tried to use a dolly, first slamming it against the door and then trying to use it to pry the door open. Again, no luck. Sensing that his goose was cooked, our bozo lit himself a cigarette and sat down on the keg to wait for the police to come by and arrest him, which they did.

Like the song says, our bozo for today had a bad day. From St. Paul, Minnesota comes the story of bozo Sharon Thompson who walked into a bank wearing clothing from the burger restaurant White Castle, which made her easy to identify. Mistake number one. When she got her money, instead of fleeing the scene, she hung around near the bank, looking all sweaty and nervous. Mistake number two. Her appearance attracted an investigating officer, who motioned her to his squad car. She came over, told the officer she was exhausted and asked him for a lift. Mistake number three. That’s when the officer took a look inside the bag she was carrying and noticed the money. Busted!

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Kumagaya, Japan where an unidentified bozo walked into a bank. And that was just about the last thing he did right. He then went up to a teller and asked her meekly, "Any idea how you rob a bank?" She said, "No," and when she told him to leave, he quietly turned and walked away. A security guard stepped up and escorted him to the door and on the way out he noticed a bloodstain on our bozo’s trousers. He had stabbed himself in the leg with the knife he had planned to use in his heist. He’s been charged with illegal possession of a weapon. Maybe they should make a "Bank Robbing for Dummies" book!

Bozo criminal for today comes from Austin, Texas, where bozo Paul Greer walked into a bank and demanded money from a teller. He got his cash and on his way out a magazine in the bank lobby caught his interest. Instead of stealing it also, he sat down on one of the bank’s comfy sofas and began reading it. He continued to read while bank employees called the cops. He was still engrossed in the magazine when the police arrived. If he enjoys Field and Stream that much he should subscribe!

Bozo criminals for today come from the International File in Bergen, Norway. Apparently, this time of the year there’s not a whole lot to do in Bergen, so our bozos were amusing themselves by doing some recreational drugs. And these drugs caused them to see some things that weren’t there, like a group of tiny little men who were coming out of the fjord to get them. Our bozos were so terrified by the little creatures that they called the cops for help. Investigating officers found no little men, but they did find 52 pounds of hashish and 314 grams of amphetamines. Our bozos are now locked safely away in jail.

Bozo criminal for today violated Bozo Rule Number 1098: Choose your battles. From Orange County, Florida comes the story of bozo Emarjorie Taylor who was irritated by the sound of the police department helicopter as it hovered over her house, looking for a stolen car. So, she called the police to complain, right? Wrong. Maybe she contacted an officer to offer to help? Nope. Went out in the yard and shook her fist at the chopper? No way. Instead she dug through an old box of fireworks and found some bottle rockets, one of which she fired at the ‘copter. It missed. She was reloading and getting ready to try again when officers arrived and placed her under arrest.

(Best of Bozo) Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Canberra, Australia where bozo Norman Parker went to a department store and found a sweater he liked. He took it into one of the changing rooms, removed the security tag, stuffed the sweater underneath his jacket and headed for the door. He didn’t make it outside, however, as the security alarm went off just as he reached the exit. How could this have happened? He removed the security tag. That he did, but instead of throwing it away, he stuffed it into his pants pocket. He’s been charged with theft.

Bozo criminals for today come from Syracuse, New York. Bozo Curtis Hall and two of his friends broke into a convenience store and stole six packages of instant lottery tickets. And they might have gotten away with it had they not been distracted by their sweet tooth. On the way out of the store, one of them noticed the Little Debbie snack cakes display. And as you are no doubt aware, these are some quite tasty treats. Each bozo grabbed a fistful of snacks before he left. The temptation was just too much. They started eating the cakes on their way home, discarding the wrappers along the way. And that’s what did them in. Investigating officers followed the trail of Little Debbie wrappers to their apartment, where they found our bozos, along with the stolen lottery tickets and several more snack cakes.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Burnaby, British Columbia, Canada where an unidentified bozo entered a bank and demanded money. After getting his cash, he fled on foot. And that’s when his bozo instincts must have kicked in. Seeking to better hide himself from the cops, he stripped off all his clothes before attempting to hail a cab. The cabbie, not accustomed to taking on nude passengers, alerted the cops, who arrested our naked bozo as he made his way toward the train station.

Bozo criminal for today violated Bozo Rule Number 7887: It’s usually a good idea to eat before you commit a crime. From Bristol Township, Pennsylvania comes the story of bozo Mario Carrella who robbed a bank and escaped with more than $2000. Pulling off the big heist caused him to work up a powerful appetite and he headed straight from the bank to a nearby pancake house. Once inside, he insisted on ordering five pancakes off the kids menu. Poor guy never got to enjoy them. The cops arrived before the pancakes did and placed him under arrest.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Rotterdam, New York where bozo Adam Johnson was waiting for a friend of his to be processed on a drunken driving charge at the police station. It was then that the lovely police station gumball machine caught our bozo’s eye. Thinking he had never seen such a beautiful machine, our bozo scooped it up and walked out the front door. He didn’t get very far, though. A dispatcher watching the surveillance system spotted him and alerted a deputy who arrested our bozo in the station house parking lot. And, in a first for our Bozo Report, he was charged with gumball machine theft.

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Berlin, Germany where an unidentified bozo filled her car up with gas. And, with the price so high, she found that she didn’t have enough money to pay for it. So, she came up with a bozo of an offer. She would go to the nearest ATM to get some cash and, as a show of good faith, she would leave her friend behind as a "security deposit." Much to the manager’s, and her friend’s, surprise, she never returned. He friend told the cops where to find our bozo and she was charged with theft.

We all know that being a Bozo crook is hard work and our story from Canton, New York once again proves it. Bozo Joel Flannery broke into the O’Leary Funeral Home and ransacked the place. He found nothing to steal, but in the process found himself tired out and in need of a nap. So, he took off his pants and boots and climbed into one of the home’s display coffins. It must have been really comfy, as that’s where the owner of the funeral home found him, sleeping like the dead, when she arrived for work the next morning. He’s been charged with burglary.