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Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Howard Rost for sending in today’s report from the International File in Perth, Australia. It seems our unidentified bozo attempted to shoplift a laptop from a local Toys R Us store, slipping it under his coat and heading for the exit. He was spotted by store employees who were yelling for someone to stop him as he ran out the door. Unfortunately for him there were several someones at the entrance of the store who were more than qualified to bring him to a halt. The Australian Special Air Service troops (kind of an Aussie version of Navy Seals) were outside conducting a toys for tots collection. When they attempted to stop him, our bozo pulled a knife on the troupers. Bad idea. He was arrested, but not before being treated for two broken arms, a broken leg, broken ribs, multiple contusions, a broken nose and jaw and several lacerations. But don’t blame the SAS troops. The news report says our bozo suffered those injuries when he “tripped” trying to elude the troupers.

Bozo criminals for today come from East Naples, Florida, where police were called to a report of a burglary in progress at a residence. When they arrived, there was no one at the home, but the cops spotted a car with license plates matching the number a neighbor had reported seeing at the residence. The passengers in the car denied any knowledge of the burglary and were placed in the back of the patrol car while the cops searched their vehicle. Unfortunately for them, they chose this time to discuss details of the burglary. Even more unfortunately for them, they also chose to light up a marijuana cigarette while in the back of the cruiser. And even more unfortunately, a police camera recorded the whole thing. They’re busted!

Over the years, the Bozo Criminal Report has had plenty of examples of 911 abuse, but today’s story literally takes the cake. From Palm Bay, Florida, comes the story of bozo Christine Baker who called 911 six times, but not to report an emergency. Each time she called she said she wanted to be connected directly to the sheriff so she could thank him personally for the delicious bologna sandwich she was served during her recent incarceration at the county jail. Even though her intentions may have been good, she was still placed under arrest for misuse of 911.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s “politically incorrect” report. Police in West Des Moines, Iowa were called to a P.F. Chang’s restaurant after a report of a disturbance. When they arrived they found bozo Carol Harper ranting about how President Obama had “ruined this country” and singing the praises of Mitt Romney. When she noticed the cops, she told them they didn’t need to be there because she’s a Republican. Guess she didn’t realize the police are non-partisan. She’s been charged with public intoxication.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Jacksonville, Florida, where bozo Ronald Richards was arrested after he returned an item to the local CVS pharmacy. Authorities say our bozo purchased several CVS Ready to Use Enemas and, after using them, resealed the containers and attempted to return them to get his money back. Yuk. He’s been charged with felony product tampering.

Our bozo report for today from Orem, Utah, doesn’t actually involve any criminal activity, but we couldn’t resist. A homeowner called the cops after he received a call on his cell phone from his home phone. He said no one said anything, but he could hear banging and scratching sounds on the line and he thought there might be a burglar inside. Police arrived and took a look around, but couldn’t find anything missing or broken. When the man returned home, he did some investigating for himself and quickly discovered the culprit. Apparently his dog had grabbed the phone receiver and had hit the redial button while burying it in the backyard. He’s busted!

Bozo criminal for today comes from Northern Cambria, Pennsylvania, where bozo Jeffery McIntyre planned to rob a bank. And he succeeded. But he also succeeded in getting himself arrested. He handed the teller a note demanding $1 in cash. After the teller confirmed he wasn’t joking, she handed over the buck. Our bozo then thanked her and said he would just wait for the police. Don’t know if he had a hankering for that delicious jail food or maybe it’s just those comfy prison beds, but he got his wish.

Bozo criminal for today comes from New Castle, Delaware, where police were called to the scene of an accident on I-295. The driver, who suffered only minor injuries, admitted to smoking marijuana dipped in PCP and offered up the Bozo Excuse of the Month. He told the cops he hit the guardrail when he swerved to “avoid an elephant in the road.” He’s been charged with DUI.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Mike McPherson for sending in today’s report from Memphis, Tennessee, where police couldn’t believe what they saw. The cops spotted a red pickup truck driving down the highway with the hand lettered words “Meth Lab” written in what appeared to be white shoe polish on the rear window. And since the truck had an expired license plate, they decided to pull him over to check things out. It turns out he wasn’t kidding. The truck actually had chemicals for making methamphetamine inside. He’s busted!

Our bozo for today comes from New Orleans, Louisiana, where a city attorney,who shall remain nameless, was in court and talking to a police officer when something fell from his pocket. Before he could scramble to pick it up, the item in question was identified as a marijuana cigarette. Oops. He’s busted!

Bozo criminal for today from St. Petersburg, Florida, proves once again that honesty is not necessarily the best policy if you’re a bozo. Police received a 911 call from our bozo who was outside a Wells Fargo bank and said he needed help. When the officers arrived, they discovered the help he was asking for was rather unusual. He told the cops that he was planning to rob the bank to get money for drugs, but didn’t really want to. While talking to the officers, he also admitted that he had robbed two banks previously. The officers helped him… by placing him under arrest.

Bozo criminals for today come from Tega Cay, South Carolina, where a group of teenage bozos broke into a home while the family was on vacation and threw a big party. Apparently the kids came back the next day and thoroughly cleaned the house. And they did such a good job, the homeowners didn’t notice anything amiss when they returned home. So, how did they end up in the bozo report? It seems at least one of them posted pictures of the party on his Facebook page. And the homeowner was looking at the pictures when he recognized his house. Oops. They’re busted!

Bozo criminal for today comes from Indianapolis, Indiana, where police were called to a report of an assault. When they arrived, they found a man with a bruise on his face and a cut on his hand. He said his girlfriend attacked him with a fan and then cut him with a steak knife. His crime? She said he had been cheating at dominoes. She’s been charged with felony battery, domestic battery and criminal recklessness.

Bozo criminals for today from the International File in Gothenburg, Sweden, forgot Bozo Rule Number 226758: Before stealing a car, be sure someone isn’t in the back seat. It seems two bozos stole a car in Norway and drove across the border into Sweden before one of them noticed the drunken owner of the car asleep in the back seat. They pulled over, unloaded the man and drove away. When he realized what was going on, he called the cops who allowed him to spend the night at the police station. The following morning, as they were taking him to the train station to return home, who should they meet on the road, but our two bozos in the stolen car. They’re busted!

Our bozo for today provides yet another example of a bozo foiled by modern technology. From Delray Beach, Florida, comes the story of bozo Jonathan Carter who robbed a cellphone store, getting away with a phone and $2000 in cash. The owner, who had previously dealt with our bozo as a customer, reported the crime to the cops but also decided to do a little high tech detective work on his own. He plugged the cellphone number that he had for our bozo into Facebook and discovered he lived in a nearby city and had a picture of himself posted with the caption “Crime Pays.” He then did a Google search for the city and the bozo’s name and turned up a mug shot from a previous arrest. A little more snooping among his Facebook friends turned up a Twitter account with our bozo’s real name. He’s busted!

Bozo criminal for today comes from Fleming Island, Florida, where bozo Warren Means was pulled over by the cops after they observed him crossing the center line, then veering back to the right, running off the road and almost hitting a parked vehicle. It was when they questioned him about the reason for his reckless driving that he offered up the Bozo Excuse of the Week. He told the deputies that he was being eaten by the squirrel inside his shirt. Upon further investigation, the cops found that our bozo did indeed have a squirrel inside his shirt, but his claims of being “eaten” were greatly exaggerated. He was arrested and charged with DUI. Police say the vehicle and the squirrel were turned over to our bozo’s girlfriend for safe keeping.

Bozo criminal for today comes from New Castle, Delaware, where Bozo David Hansen had a dispute with a repair shop over work that had been done on his truck. The shop had been holding the vehicle because our bozo had refused to pay. So, he did what any bozo would do. He broke into the impound lot and stole his own car. It was the method that he used to steal it that landed him in the Bozo Hall of Fame. Driving a front-end loader , he broke through the fence and picked it up and drove away. Guess he didn’t think that a truck being carried by a front end loader would attract much attention. It did. He was arrested after leading the cops on a 35 minute chase down a highway, through a housing development, into a corn field, and finally ending up in a pond.

Bozo criminal for today obviously forgot Bozo Rule Number 100900: Finders Keepers is not an acceptable defense. From Tamarac, Florida, comes the story of bozo Michael Fletcher who was in the local Home Depot when he noticed another customer had dropped some money on the floor. He quickly scooped up the $29 and headed for the store’s exit, shouting “Finders keepers” when he was confronted by a store employee. Police were called and tracked our bozo to his home where they found him in possession of a small crack rock he said he had purchased with the cash he “found” at the store. He’s been charged with aggravated battery, petit theft, possession of cocaine and resisting a police officer.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Bob Hammond for sending in today’s report, which highlights a violation of Bozo Rule Number 554389: Always take a nap before pulling a Bozo job. From Rock Creek, Oregon, comes the story of Bozo Cristian Carrera who apparently broke into a residence, ransacked the place and began gathering items to steal. Obviously, this is hard work, and our bozo just wasn’t prepared for such a workout. He quickly became exhausted and felt the need to lie down on the kitchen floor and take a little nap. That’s where the homeowner found him. And he was still snoozing when the police arrived. He’ll have plenty of chances to catch up on his sleep on a nice jailhouse bed.

Bozo criminal for today comes from St. Charles, Missouri, where bozo Travis Moore was pulled over by the cops on a traffic violation. When the cop asked our bozo for his name, he gave him a fake one. Which could have been a good idea except for the fact that man whose name he gave was wanted in connection with an armed robbery. Obviously realizing the error of his ways, our bozo sped off while the officer was waiting for backup to arrive. He didn’t get very far, however, as he drove his car off the road and into a creek. He’s now been charged with resisting arrest by fleeing, driving with a suspended license and possession of drug paraphernalia.