Yearly Archives: 2005

Bozo criminal for today comes from Glens Falls, New York where bozo Jason McGuffey was convicted on a breaking and entering charge. Part of his sentence required him to wear an electronic tracking bracelet on his ankle. Don’t know if it clashed with his wardrobe or what but our bozo decided he would remove it. By burning it off with lighter fluid. Bad idea. Witnesses spotted our bozo engulfed in flames on his front porch. When the cops arrived they found smoldering clothes in the yard and our bozo inside in extreme pain. When he gets out of the hospital, he’ll be fitted with another bracelet, hopefully a fireproof one.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Kansas City, Missouri where bozo Darryl Hopson got into an altercation with a couple of women at a store. As the discussion got more and more heated, our bozo reached into his back pocket to retrieve his gun. He never quite got it out, however, as it went off just as he grabbed for it, in the process shooting him in the rear end. Police are investigating while our sore bozo recuperates.

The Force was definitely not with our bozos for today from Liberty, Indiana. When someone called the cops to report a UFO spotted over Highway 27, the police arrived and found no little green men, just a car full of bozos who were behaving strangely. A quick check of the license plates showed them to be stolen. Inside the car was found cocaine, marijuana and other drug paraphernalia. Unless their cell has a window, they won’t be seeing any UFO’s for a while.

Bozo criminal for today is "straight outta Compton", California. Bozo Steven Ford went on a "ride along" with a sheriff’s deputy, taking advantage of a program that allows anyone who has no felony convictions to ride along with an on duty officer. It seems our bozo must have really enjoyed the ride, because when the officer’s shift ended at 1 am, our bozo caught his back turned, hopped back into the cruiser and drove away. Not surprisingly, he didn’t get very far before he was stopped and charged with possession of a stolen vehicle.

Bozo criminal for today violated Bozo Rule Number 9087: Never underestimate Granny. From Toledo, Ohio comes the story of bozo Paul Hanks who walked up to a 91 year old grandmother and told her he was going to take her purse. Now, Granny didn’t have her hearing aid in and at first thought he said he was going to take her pulse. When she figured out just what he was trying to do, she was having none of it. In a scene right out of the old "Laugh-In" show, she began bashing him repeatedly over the head with her purse until he finally ran away. Police caught up with him a short time later and charged him with robbery, felony theft, assault, aggravated menacing and possession of drug paraphernalia.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Wilmington, North Carolina where bozo Jermelle Caldwell was heading down to the courthouse to pay the fine of a friend. Don’t know what he was planning to do after stopping at the courthouse, but he certainly came loaded for bear. Which might explain why he freaked out when he rounded a corner inside the building and came face to face with the metal detector. He nervously told the deputies, "I’ve gotta go to the car." Unfortunately for him, the deputies decided to search him anyway, discovering 14 bags of marijuana and 10 bags of heroin in his pockets. He’s joined his friend in jail.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report from the International File in Cornwall, Ontario, Canada. Bozo Scott Brown broke into the house of attorney Donald Jacobs and was rummaging around when he was confronted by the homeowner who managed to knock the knife out of his hand and pin him to the ground until the police arrived. And now for the bozo part. The attorney recognized our bozo’s face since he was one of his clients. When he was at the police station, our bozo was asked if he wanted to contact a lawyer. He did. And of course he tried to call the man whose house he had just broken into. He’s been advised to seek other council.

With the price of gasoline just getting higher and higher, we’re seeing more and more bozos getting into gas thievery, with usually disastrous results. Case in point, our bozo for today from Thurman, New York, where Glen Graham siphoned some gas from a dump truck. It was dark and our bozo couldn’t tell how full his container had become, so he did what any bozo would do, he fired up his lighter. The ensuing fire not only gave our bozo burns on the face and hands, a nearby forklift was also destroyed. He’s under arrest.

Thanks to several Bozo News Hawks who alerted us to this one. From Roswell, Georgia comes the story of Rodriquez Martin who hailed a taxi and asked for a ride to a nearby McDonalds. When they arrived at their destination our bozo pulled a gun and took $74 from the cabbie before fleeing on foot. Well, he didn’t exactly flee. As soon as he got out of the cab, the gun went off, shooting him in the foot. He was arrested after being released from the hospital.

Bozo criminal for today comes from New York City where bozo Chucky Herrera was upset that a friend had been arrested by the New York cops. So he walked into the station house to inquire about what was going on. This would not have been such a bad idea except for one thing. Our bozo was wanted by the cops on robbery charges and his wanted picture was posted right there in the station house for everyone to see. An alert detective noticed the striking resemblance and placed our bozo under arrest.

In honor of graduation time across the country, we present today’s bozo from Cincinnati, Ohio. Michael Lane was on the way to high school graduation last weekend and was running a little late. The cops spotted him speeding and gave chase. Not wanting to miss the ceremony, our bozo tried to outrun them. Bad idea. He crashed into a home a few blocks from where the graduation was being held. No one was injured but the car was totaled. He’s been charged with reckless driving and fleeing the police. But there’s one more thing that assured him a place in our bozo files. The car he was driving was going to be a present for the graduate.

Bozo criminal for today violated Bozo Rule number 4678: It’s best to keep a low profile when you’re a wanted man. From Glocester, Rhode Island comes the story of bozo Paul Ionni who was out on bail on child pornography charges and under strict orders not to leave town. Guess he got really involved in the reality TV show "The Contender" because he was spotted on TV by his parole officer taking in the finale from a primo seat in the audience in Las Vegas. And he was none too pleased when the police came to arrest him on probation violation charges. You can add assault, resisting arrest and malicious damage to property to his rap sheet. Hope his guy won the fight on "The Contender" because he just lost this one.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Knoxville, Tennessee where bozo Vincent Harper was a little drunk. Whole lot drunk, actually, and when his wife wouldn’t let him drive the car, he found the closest available transportation–a city garbage truck. Sanitation workers were loading trash into the vehicle when our bozo hopped in and drove away. All of this exertion must have tired our bozo out, because officers found him asleep behind the wheel in a parking lot about 20 minutes later.

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Copenhagen, Denmark where two unidentified bozos broke into a home and began hauling loot out to their car. A passerby noticed what was going on and confronted them, insisting that they return the stolen property. When they refused, he simply snatched the keys to their car to ensure that they weren’t going anywhere. It was what they did next that cemented their place in the Bozo Hall of Fame. They called the cops to report that someone had taken the keys to their car. Officers quickly realized what was going on and placed our bozos under arrest.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Juneau, Alaska where bozo Neil Harris walked up to the clerk in a liquor store and tried to buy a bottle of liquor. The clerk asked for his ID and, when he noticed what appeared to be another bottle of booze under our bozo’s coat, inquired about the extra bottle. Our bozo initially denied it was there, before panicking and bolting out of the store, leaving his ID behind. Officers were called and quickly found our bozo just outside, sitting on the sidewalk and enjoying his drink. He’s drying out in jail.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Angela Brown for sending in today’s report. From Wenatchee, Washington comes the story of bozo Paul Porter who was spotted driving erratically at 1:30 in the morning. When an officer pulled him over, our bozo handed over what he said was his driver’s license. Don’t know where our bozo came up with it, but he could definitely have found a better fake ID. When the officer ran a check, he found the man on the license was wanted for manslaughter. Oops. Faced with a felony charge, our bozo quickly produced his own ID. He’s been charged with using a fake ID and possession of marijuana.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Joey Schwartzman for sending in today’s report. Our bozo criminal for today found out the hard way that just because there’s a party going on, it doesn’t mean you’re welcome. From the International File in Toronto, Ontario,Canada comes the story of Bozo Paul Hamilton who had a little too much to drink when he came upon a police officer directing traffic around a large gathering. Our bozo rolled down the window and told the cop that it looked like there was a party going on and he’d like to join it. Unfortunately for him the party was part of Police Week festivities at 31 division and party crashers aren’t welcome. Especially after the officer noticed an empty bottle of rum on the floorboard and another half empty bottle in the seat. He’s been charged with DWI.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Portland, Maine where bozo Chad Pope went to visit the dentist to have a tooth removed. When the staff went to attach a heart monitor to one of our bozo’s ankles, he got a little defensive. It was then that someone noticed a bulge in his sock. Further investigation revealed that it was a vial containing a valium used in the dentist’s office, which he had apparently snatched when no one was looking. Oops…He’s been charged with theft.

Bozo criminal for today comes from South Jordan, Utah where bozo Thomas Pinkerton broke into a house, surfed the internet for awhile and then began rummaging around. While he was looking around, he found several items of clothing belonging to the lady of the house that he must have thought would look simply marvelous on him. So, he removed his clothing and tried them on. It was at this time that the residents returned home. In his haste to get dressed and get out of there, our bozo left his wallet and ID behind. Hope he looks good in stripes, because that’s what he’ll be wearing for awhile.

Bozo criminal for today violated Bozo Rule #5109: Make sure your weapon suits the crime. From Muncie, Indiana comes the story of bozo Michael Smithson who held up the Village Pantry and Mutual Federal Savings Bank, getting away with some cash before being apprehended. We can’t say for certain, but we would assume one of the reasons he was captured was that his weapon didn’t exactly strike fear into the hearts of his victims. He tried to hold up both places by threatening the clerks with a vacuum cleaner nozzle.