Yearly Archives: 2005

Once again we find that having a sense of humor is great, but it can be dangerous to your freedom if you’re a bozo. From Conway, New Hampshire, comes the story of bozo John Tucker who walked into the local Wal-Mart wearing an orange prison jumpsuit and handcuffs. He asked an employee in the hardware department where he could find a hacksaw. The frightened employee stalled him while another employee called the cops. Our bozo explained to the officer that he hadn’t escaped from anywhere and the whole thing was a prank. The officer failed to find the humor in the situation. Our bozo was charged with disorderly conduct.

Bozo criminal for today gets our first annual Homer Simpson Award for Bozo Dad of the Year. From Savannah, Georgia comes the story of bozo Michael Lynch who was celebrating his daughter’s 13th birthday when he thought it would be really funny to write out a hold-up note and then have his daughter give it to a bank teller. For some reason the teller didn’t see the humor in the note. She set off an alarm and very quickly dad and the girls were surrounded by police and FBI. Dad’s been charged with attempted robbery.

Bozo criminals for today come from the International File in Timoteo, Brazil where a gang of bozo prisoners pulled a stunt right out of a Three Stooges movie. Our bozos had a master plan for tunneling out of jail but must have forgotten to convert their measurements from the metric system to feet and inches. When they emerged from the tunnel, they found they were 11 inches short of the prison wall. Oops. They also found guards waiting to escort them back to their cells.

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Alice Springs, Austria where police were summoned to the report of a break-in at a local furniture store. Investigating officers found the glass front door smashed but once inside couldn’t find anyone. They were getting ready to leave when an officer heard a sound…a sound of someone snoring coming from the carpet racks. And that’s where they found our bozo, obviously tired out from the hard work of breaking in. He’s sleeping it off in jail.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Gray, Maine, where bozo Michael Green returned home to find his house had been broken into. Thinking the burglar might still be inside, our bozo immediately called the cops. Investigating officers were unable to find the burglar, but they did find a large indoor marijuana growing operation, with about 125 high quality plants. He’s under arrest.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Jane McCormick for sending in today’s report. Our bozos for today, from Pownal, Maine, prove once again the importance of a proper getaway vehicle. Police officers were called at 4 AM to a report of a burglary at a local grocery. When the officers arrived they noticed a slow moving vehicle in the distance. Upon further inspection, it was found to be a golf cart, loaded down with beer, cigarettes and two bozos. They’re under arrest.

Bozo criminal for today proves once again what we’ve said many times…bozos and technology just don’t mix. Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in this one from the International File in Rosario, Argentina. Three bozos stole some fertilizer from Petrobras Energy. While they were there one of them spotted a cell phone, one with a built in camera. And, as you know, it’s a genetic thing; bozos just can’t resist taking pictures of themselves in action. Only one problem, this phone had been set up so that any pictures taken were automatically posted on a personal webpage. The cops were able to identify and track down our bozos simply by visiting the website.

Thanks to several Bozo News Hawks for sending in today’s report, which is similar to one we had last week, but takes it to another level. From the International File in Wellington, New Zealand comes the story of a group of bozos who were frustrated by the high price of gasoline. Not wanting to fork over the money for a tank of gas, our bozos simply siphoned some from another vehicle into the tank of their car. Of course, siphoning directly into your tank makes it hard to tell exactly how much you have. And when their car wouldn’t start, they did what any bozo would do. They checked the level in the fuel pipe by using their cigarette lighter. Our bozos escaped injury but didn’t escape being arrested.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Alameda, California where bozo Jason Caldwell was being chased by the cops after they spotted him driving erratically. Knowing that he needed to get rid of some evidence before the cops pulled him over, our bozo rolled down the window and tossed out a paper bag. When the police checked the bag, they discovered it contained only fast food trash. When one of the officers noticed a similar bag inside the vehicle, he checked it and found it contained three ounces of methamphetamine. Yep, he had thrown out the wrong bag. He’s under arrest.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report. From Fort Smith, Arkansas comes the story of clumsy bozo Joseph McGinnis who cut his arm while trying to break into a car. Apparently he couldn’t stand the sight of his own blood because instead of fleeing he ran to the nearest house to ask for help. Inside was the owner of the car he had just attempted to break into. Instead of calling an ambulance he called the cops.

The ever climbing price of gasoline led to the downfall of today’s bozos from Nappanee, Indiana. Our bozos were running low on fuel and, not wanting to pay the high price, decided to siphon some out a construction company fuel storage tank. They got what they thought was gas and sped away. But they didn’t get very far before their car started sputtering and finally ground to a halt. They hadn’t noticed that was diesel in that tank, not regular gasoline. They’ve been charged with theft.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Barbara Goldstein for sending in today’s report. Our bozo violated Bozo Rule Number 13,445: If you don’t have a getaway vehicle lined up for your heist, don’t call your mommy. From Villa Rica, Georgia comes the story of bozo Kevin Tull who broke into a residence and stole some credit cards, a checkbook and some jewelry. Then, when it came time to make his getaway, he used the victim’s phone to call his mother to come pick him up. The cops were able to use the redial button on the phone to track down mom and arrest our bozo.

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Manchester, England where an unidentified bozo decided to hold up an electronics store. Perhaps he didn’t notice that this particular shop was a CCTV store. A closed circuit television store. A store that specializes in selling surveillance equipment to prevent theft. In this case, the equipment worked really well. There were dozens of cameras all over the place and the owner of the business was able to provide the cops with pictures of our bozo taken from every conceivable angle, including one of him with his hand on the door, giving them a nice set of prints. Police expect to make an arrest shortly.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk David Alford for sending in the story of a record breaking bozo…ten traffic tickets in five minutes. From Highlands, New York comes the story of bozo Joseph Simpson who was clocked by the police doing over 90 miles per hour. By the time they finally pulled him over, he was also charged with passing on the right, failure to stay in lane, drunk driving, reckless driving, failure to yield and possession of marijuana. Police said he might have been doing a little celebrating. His three year probation for grand larceny had just ended. Hope he enjoyed his joy ride…he’s headed to jail.

Bozo criminal for today isn’t a crook in the usual sense, but he is without a doubt a bozo. From Houma, Louisiana comes the story of a local mail carrier who wasn’t worried when he walked up to a house and heard a dog barking, since he knew the dog was chained up in the backyard. It wasn’t the dog he should have been worried about, it was our bozo, Mark Parker. When the carrier stepped into the yard, our bozo rushed out of the house, barking like a dog, and bit the poor mailman on the shoulder. Our bozo says it was all a joke. The postman didn’t agree. Barking bozo has been charged with assault.

We’ve been over this time and time again, but let us repeat it one more time: Don’t decorate your car with red and blue lights and pretend to be a police officer, it just never works out. From Tampa, Florida comes the story of bozo Marvin Wilson who thought it would be funny to put the flashing lights on his dashboard and pull over an unsuspecting motorist. The two undercover cops in the car he tried to pull over didn’t see the humor in it, either. And he didn’t help his cause one bit when the cops found seven grams of cocaine inside the car. He’s under arrest.

Those cell phones with built-in cameras are fun, but in the hands of a bozo they can really get you into trouble. From Woodland, California comes the story of bozo Zachary Hines who lost his cell phone. Someone found it and turned it in to the cops. As the police were trying to determine the phone’s owner, they found some interesting pictures stored on it. Numerous digital snapshots of piles of pot and cash. When the cops visited our bozo’s home, they found more drugs and money. And a new cell phone with pictures of pot and cash, too. He’s under arrest.

We at the Bozo Criminal report believe there’s a time and a place for just about everything. But in this case it was definitely the wrong time and the wrong place. From the International File in Holland comes the story of a couple of young bozo lovers who were just overcome by their passion for each other. And the first place they found to do a little romancing was the hood of a car. Guess they must have been blinded by love, since they didn’t notice they were on the hood of a police car. An occupied police car. And one of our bozos insulted the officer when he politely asked them to stop. Our lovebirds were arrested.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawks Bob and Wendy Gutermuth for sending in today’s report. From Catonsville, Maryland comes the story of a couple of bozos who thought they had hit the jackpot when they broke into a liquor store and stole an ATM machine. Guess they didn’t read the fine print on that machine. It contained no cash, only coupons. Oops…

Sometimes being a little too compassionate can get you into trouble, especially if you’re a bozo. From the International File in Sapporo, Japan comes the story of bozo Shinji Matshushita who broke into an apartment, threatened a woman with a knife and robbed her of 900,000 yen, leaving her tied up with duct tape. His conscience got the best of him and he returned to the scene of the crime a few days later to check up on her and see how she was doing. Not the best idea. She spotted him and called the cops.