Yearly Archives: 2005

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Tilsbury, England where bozo Nicholas Roberts was suffering from a bad case of road rage. He pulled up behind a car, sounded his horn, flashed his lights and lunged forward, almost rear-ending the other car. He then attempted to pass, pausing to make an obscene gesture as he went by. A bad idea in any circumstance, but a spectacularly bad idea when the car you’re doing this to is a marked police cruiser. He’s under arrest.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report. From San Francisco, California comes the story of bozo drug smuggler Steve Hampton who thought he had come up with the perfect plan for smuggling heroin into the country. He would superglue the drug packets to his head and then cover the whole thing up with a toupee. Maybe he should have invested a little extra money in a high quality wig, because the sight of a 19 year old wearing a really bad rug attracted the attention of customs officers who pulled our bozo aside and checked him a little closer. And, to add insult to injury, the superglued packets wouldn’t come loose easily, so our bozo ended up looking like a spotted cat.

It’s been a busy week for bozos on TV shows. You may remember, yesterday’s bozos tried to rob the host of a TV shopping show. Our bozo for today comes from the International File in Russia where a contestant on a Russian TV show that is similar to our "Big Brother" was recognized by viewers as a man wanted for fraud. They called the cops and our bozo was escorted off the set and into the jail.

Bozo criminals for today come from Fort Smith, Arkansas, where a couple of unidentified bozos burst onto the set of a late night TV shopping program. No, they didn’t want to steal the Ginsu knives that were being offered for sale; instead they demanded the host give them the keys to his car. And they made their demands on live TV, in front of the viewing audience. Instead of calling in their bids, several viewers called the cops and our bozos were busted.

Bozo criminal for today comes from the West Side of Chicago where bozo Miguel Herrera needed to get to work, and, since he didn’t have a car, he called a cab, right? Wrong. Asked a friend to drive him? Wrong. Took the bus? Wrong. Stole a marked Chicago police car? Right! Our bozo noticed the squad car parked outside a restaurant, where the officers had gone inside to eat. And, since they had left the keys inside, our bozo simply hopped in and drove away. Once in the police car, he must have felt it was his responsibility to protect and serve because when he drove past a citizen who waved at him for help, he stopped to render aid. Guess no good dead goes unpunished when you’re a bozo. The cops noticed what was going on and nabbed him.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Macon, Georgia where bozo Deion Blanks figured he couldn’t go wrong stealing money from the blind guy who ran the snack bar. He snatched $600 from the till and, sure enough, the blind cashier never even noticed him. Unfortunately for our bozo someone did notice him trying to sneak out with the cash. And even more unfortunately for him, the snack bar was in the basement of the county courthouse. The word was quickly sent out and deputies found our bozo waiting with his mother outside a fifth floor courtroom, where he was scheduled to go before the judge on another theft charge.

Bozo criminals for today come from Hamilton Township, New Jersey, where bozos Ryan Jacobsen and James House went down to a local used car lot and asked to test drive a 1990 Lexus. When they stayed gone a little too long, the dealership manager reported the car stolen. Actually, our bozos had only borrowed the car to use as their getaway vehicle while they held up a nearby bank. After pulling off the holdup, they came back to the dealership to return the car. Not the best plan. Officers there investigating the theft quickly arrested them.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Burleson, Texas where bozo James Harper went into the local Albertsons with the intention of shoplifting a few items, a bad idea in itself. He further added to his problems by wearing a Fort Worth Police officer’s shirt. And, in a case of truly rotten luck, who should happen to be shopping in that Albertsons but Fort Worth Police Chief Ralph Mendoza. Mendoza didn’t recognize our bozo as one of his officers and was a little suspicious. But, before he could approach him, store clerks asked for his help, claiming our bozo had just shoplifted some baby formula. He’s under arrest, not just for shoplifting, but also for impersonating a police officer.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk David Alford for sending in today’s report. From Mansfield, Ohio, comes the story of bozo Michael Barnett who was clocked doing 106 MPH on Interstate 71. The officer gave chase but lost our bozo when he turned off his headlights and exited the highway. He then pulled into a private driveway to wait until he thought the coast was clear. This might have been a good idea except for one thing. The driveway he pulled into belonged to another police officer who came outside to ask him what he was doing there. In another brilliant move, our bozo admitted he was hiding from a state trooper. Shouldn’t have said that. The officer held him at gunpoint until the police arrived.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Steve Silverwood for sending in today’s report. From Toledo, Ohio comes the story of bozo Andrew Jones who couldn’t have picked a worse coffee shop to rob if he’d tried. Guess when our bozo walked into the place he didn’t notice that the local FBI headquarters were located in the same building. And he tried to hold up the cashier early in the morning, when the place was really busy. One of the customers at the time just happened to be the head of the Toledo FBI office, stopping in on his way to work. He’s under arrest.

Bozo criminal for today violated Bozo Rule Number 8986: Hitchhiking is not the best mode of transportation when you’re a wanted man. From the International File in Tiberias, Israel comes the story of an unidentified bozo who had escaped from jail while serving a nine year sentence for drug trafficking and assault. After laying low at his mother’s house for a while, he decided to strike out on his own. And since he didn’t have a vehicle, he decided to hitchhike. Bad idea. The prison warden just happened to be driving by at the same time. He picked him up and gave him a free ride back to jail.

Bozo criminal for today must really have the world’s worst sense of direction. Bozo Jada Calder from Sioux City, Iowa was scheduled to appear in court on drug charges. Instead, he decided to make a run for it, getting involved in a hit and run accident and leading the cops on a high speed chase before stopping his car in the middle of the street. He threw the truck into reverse and promptly backed into a retaining wall. He then jumped out and ran into a nearby building. And that’s when things really went bad. You see, the wall he ran into was on the outside of the Clay County Courthouse. And the building he ran into was the same courthouse where his hearing was scheduled. He then ran upstairs and ducked into…the very courtroom where he was scheduled to appear. The judge dismissed the jurors while our bozo looked for a place to hide. He didn’t find one. He’s under arrest.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Albuquerque, New Mexico where once again we learn that bozos and technology don’t mix. It seems our bozo’s little two year old boy somehow got himself locked in dad’s Cadillac. Apparently, the kid had been listening to the radio commercials because he knew to push the On-Star button to call for help. When the police arrived to free the kid, they became suspicious of a large trailer in the garage. Upon further inspection, they found it contained 1700 pounds of marijuana. Dad’s busted!

Bozo criminal for today comes from Slidell, Louisiana, where bozo Douglas Kaufman told the cops that when he went to the local Exxon station to buy dog food, he was hit in the back of the head, robbed and thrown into the trunk of his 1994 Cadillac. He said his abductors then drove around for two hours before he managed to escape. Only a few holes in his story…first, the Exxon station doesn’t sell dog food, second, the Cadillac’s trunk doesn’t have an emergency release lever, and, even though he said he was robbed, he still had $400 in his wallet. Oops. He finally confessed that he had made up the story to avoid the wrath of his pregnant girlfriend after blowing a bunch of money at the local strip club.

Bozo criminal for today violated Bozo Rule Number 14,598: When it’s time to collect the money for your faked kidnapping, it’s not a good idea to ride along in the car. From Glendora, California, comes the story of bozo Shane Reed who needed some money to pay off a drug debt, so he called his mother and told her he had been kidnapped and the abductors were demanding $750 for his release. She agreed to pay, but became suspicious when our bozo’s girlfriend showed up to pick up the ransom in a car with three other people inside, one of which looked a lot like our bozo. Police officers watching the whole thing arrested him shortly thereafter.

Bozo criminal for today comes from New Port Richey, Florida where bozo Marlene Burns wanted her TV repaired. Really, really wanted her TV repaired. And after the TV repairman had made several visits and the set still didn’t work, she finally reached the end of her rope. She pulled out a .38 caliber handgun and held the poor guy hostage, telling him, "You’re not leaving until the TV is fixed!" He was able to escape after calling the store manager and getting him to promise her a new TV if she would let him go. She did. He called the cops. The TV in jail works just fine.

Our bozo for today once again proves that a dog may be man’s best friend, but it doesn’t apply to bozos. From Miami, Florida comes the story of bozo David Causey who had been causing problems on area freeways by gunning his motorcycle in and out of traffic. Twice, he had successfully evaded the cops by fleeing at speeds in excess of 140 MPH. This time the police were ready for him. When they received a report of his reckless driving, he was pursued by troopers stationed strategically along the turnpike while a police airplane kept an eye on him from the skies. However, he still managed to evade them and was standing outside his apartment, pretending to wash his car when the cops finally arrived. Our bozo denied everything, telling the officers they must have the wrong man, because he didn’t even own a motorcycle. And that’s when his dog, from inside the apartment, put in his two cents worth. The barking dog came to the window, moved the curtains back, and revealed the still hot motorcycle parked inside. Busted!

Bozo criminal for today comes from Monroe County, Florida where bozo Steven Daily felt that desperate times called for desperate solutions. Placed under arrest after getting into a fight at a local bar, our bozo made the officer an interesting proposition. He said that if the officer would drive him to the nearest McDonald’s, he would buy him two cheeseburgers in exchange for his freedom. He even went so far to say that if he didn’t like hamburgers, he would buy him some chicken instead. Needless to say, the officer declined the generous offer. Wonder what he would have said if he had offered him donuts?

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Sweden where a Polish man hoped to strike it rich smuggling beer, liquor and cigarettes out of the country. He loaded his old Volvo down with 400 liters of beer, 22 liters of alcohol and 10,800 cigarettes and headed for the Norwegian border, where such items are highly taxed and bring a premium price. He probably should have checked the carrying capacity of the Volvo before heading out, however, as the car broke down just a few yards away from the border, in full view of crossing guards. He’s under arrest.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawks Annetta Phillips and Robin Sullivan for sending in today’s report. From Nacogdoches, Texas comes the story of an unidentified woman who walked into the sheriff’s office to turn herself in to authorities. Even though she said she was a "wanted woman," no warrants could be found for her. The officers were able to honor her request, as she was placed under arrest for public intoxication.