Author: dave

Bozo criminal for today comes from DeLeon Springs, Florida, where bozo Raymond Carter took a large load of copper to a local scrap yard and, as he was trying to sell it, asked workers there if stealing and selling copper was a misdemeanor or felony. Workers got his name and address and when our bozo left the cops were contacted. After doing some investigating the cops found that our bozo’s employer, an electrical business, was missing 1,911 pounds of copper. Oops. He’s been arrested on charges of dealing in stolen property.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Huntington Beach, California, where police posted a picture of a number of suspected vandals on their Facebook page. Bozo Luis Ramiero took a look at the picture of himself and liked it. He then shared the image on his own Facebook page. And before long, his friends were commenting on the picture, saying they recognized him. Oops. The cops were knocking on his door shortly thereafter. He’s busted!

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Randy Shereda for sending in today’s report from Williston, North Dakota. It seems 19-year-old Caleb Stone repeatedly rammed his vehicle into the doors of a motorcycle shop in an unsuccessful attempt to break in. A witness called the cops, which led to a brief chase, ending with our bozo abandoning the car and fleeing on foot. Initially it looked like our bozo had made a clean getaway, but, for reasons known only to the bozo mind, he decided to head down to the police department the next morning to report the vehicle as stolen. He’s been charged with attempted burglary, criminal mischief, fleeing or attempting to elude police, filing a false report to law enforcement and carrying a concealed weapon in a vehicle.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Bob Hammond for sending in today’s report from Thibodeaux, Louisiana. Our bozo for today, Eric Walker, had a powerful hunger for some crawfish, so he headed down to the local grocery and grabbed a bag. Using the old five fingered discount, he ran from the store without paying and jumped into his car. Unfortunately, the parking lot was full and it was a long run to the car. And it would seem that our bozo may have been eating too many crawfish, among other goodies, as he was so winded from the brief run that he could not blow into the drunk driving preventing ignition interlock device to start his vehicle. His delay in getting the getaway vehicle started enabled workers to take pictures and get his license plate number which they gave to the cops after our bozo finally worked up enough wind to drive away. In one final act of bozodom, when the cops confronted him, he claimed that he had been at work until 4:30 and could not have stolen the mud bugs. The cops politely pointed out that it was not yet 4:30. He’s busted.

Bozo criminal for today violated seldom seen Bozo Rule Number 7766453: Always use good parking techniques. From Rotterdam, New York, comes the story of bozo Matthew Brown who backed his vehicle into a parking space at a truck stop. And he did an exceptionally bad job, too, straddling the line and taking up two parking spaces. Did he try to correct his error? Nope, he just left it parked crookedly and walked away. As luck would have it, a state police investigator was watching the whole thing and he thought he recognized our bozo from a previous arrest. After running the plates, it was revealed that our bozo was wanted on numerous outstanding warrants. He’s under arrest.

Bozo criminal for today violated Bozo Rule Number 188876: It’s always a good idea to make sure your license plate is secure. From Mansfield, New Jersey, comes the story of bozo Robert Sloan who liked to do donuts and burnouts on the local roads. Apparently his car had a lot of horsepower, enough horsepower that he slung off his license plate during one of his donuts. Cops picked up the plate at the scene of the burnouts and our bozo’s buns were burned.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Bayonne, New Jersey, where bozo Paul Sayers made a quick right turn in traffic, cutting off another driver who had to swerve into the left hand lane to avoid an accident. The guy in the other car honked at our bozo and when the two vehicles ended up side by side at a red light, our bozo rolled down his window and shouted that he was “an off-duty police officer and I’ll >bleep< you up!" Not a good idea, especially when they guy you're threatening actually is an off-duty police officer. The cop alerted dispatch and followed our bozo until backup arrived. He's been charged with impersonating a police officer and reckless driving.

Bozo criminals for today come from Chicago, Illinois, where two bozos, one armed with a squirt gun, entered a restaurant and demanded cash. The owner politely told them that they had come at the restaurant’s busiest time and if they could please come back later when it was less hectic. Since they only lived about a block from the place, our bozos decided to do as he said. When they returned, the cops were waiting for them. Busted!

Bozo criminal for today from Quilcene, Washington, has the distinction of having one of the most unusual names ever, Ulysses Corwin Nevermissashot. Bozo Nevermissashot allegedly robbed a bank teller at gunpoint, getting away with an undisclosed amount of cash. As he fled on foot, witnesses noticed him throw away a cigarette, which the police retrieved, which contained his DNA. But he wasn’t through dropping evidence. He also tossed a black plastic bag which contained the fingerprints of his roommate, who confirmed to the cops that she was missing a box of black plastic bags. Mr. Nevermissashot is presently under arrest.

Our Bozo for today from the inappropriately named city of Niceville, Florida, doesn’t qualify as a criminal, but her excuse to the cops certainly qualifies her for Bozo status.  Police were called to a residence after a neighbor overhead a woman screaming death threats at her husband.  Upon investigation, the officers learned the argument arose when the husband refused to get off the phone to spend time with his family.  The woman said she did threaten to kill her husband but she was only “kidding.”  It was her further explanation that landed her in the Bozo Hall of Fame.  She told the cops they had been married 71 years and it was her “right” to kill him after being married so long.  The cops chose not to argue with her logic and no charges were filed.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Syktyvkar, Russia, where our bozo for today came up with a rather unusual item to steal. A road. Yep, he decided to steal 82 segments of reinforced concrete that made up a roadway just outside the city. So, how to you steal a roadway? In this case, you use heavy machinery to load it onto three large trucks. And then there’s the matter of getting it home. Our bozo convoy had just pulled onto the highway when they were spotted by the cops. Uh, do you have a permit for hauling a roadway? No? Busted!

Our bozo criminal for today certainly got what was coming to him, and the odd thing about it is, he was his own victim. From Norfolk, Virginia, comes the story of our unidentified bozo who went speeding through a residential neighborhood. Homeowners who were outside waved and yelled at the guy, telling him to slow down, there were children playing. This didn’t sit well with our bozo who made a quick u-turn and pulled over. Looking for a confrontation, he got out of the car and reached into his pants to pull out a gun. But before he could remove the weapon, it went off, shooing him in the privates. After being taken to the hospital he was placed under arrest.

Bozo criminal for today forgot one of Mama’s rules: Lock the bathroom door behind you. From Parsippany, New Jersey comes the story of an unidentified bozo who walked into a convenience store around 1a.m. He headed for the bathroom where he sat down on the toilet, pulled out a baggie of marijuana and started breaking the weed up using a $100 bill. Unfortunately for him, a police officer arrived shortly thereafter and needed to use the restroom. And, even more unfortunately, since he didn’t lock the door, the officer walked right in on him doing his business. And this business sent him to jail.

Bozo criminal for today is a certified member of the Bozo Lonely Hearts Club. From Monroe County, Florida comes the story of bozo Matthew Calder who called 911 to report a rather strange kidnapping. He told the cops his girlfriend was being abducted by two men in a U-Haul truck. The cops arrived and did indeed find a U-Haul truck. And our bozo’s girlfriend was inside. But that’s the only part of the story our bozo got right. It seems his girlfriend was loading her stuff into the U-Haul with the intention of leaving our bozo, who had made up the kidnapping story in an attempt to get her to stay. Didn’t work. She moved out and he went to jail for misuse of 911, public intoxication and resisting arrest.

A couple of bozos are involved in today’s story from Los Angeles. First is the bozo car valet at a LA restaurant who left a $200,000 car running and unattended. This was too much temptation for bozo number two, Dylan Carter, who jumped into the idling car and sped away. Of course, being a bozo, it never occurred to him that a car worth $200,000 would have a tracking system. The police used the car’sOnStar to track down the vehicle, which they found parked near an American Legion post. The cops staked it out, and, when he returned to the car, they approached him. Our bozo hightailed it, running through the American Legion post and out the back door, where he jumped a fence, ran to a residential area, broke into a home, dressed in the homeowner’s clothes and hid beneath a pile of wood. In spite of his best efforts, the cops tracked him down and placed him under arrest.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Fort Myers, Florida, where Danielle Adams was enjoying a day at the beach with her two daughters. They were all in the water when Danielle spotted a daring masked bozo thief rifling through her bag. Before she could stop him, our bozo grabbed her pink wallet and scampered away. She gave chase, along with several other folks who saw what had happened. Thinking better of his crime, our bozo dropped the wallet and disappeared into the woods. Police are investigating but say it may be difficult to arrest our bozo. You see, the thief in this case was a raccoon who obviously has a taste for money.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Barbara Goldstein for sending in today’s report from the International File in St. Theresa Point, Manitoba, Canada. It seems two teenage bozos set fire to the Royal Canadian Mounted Police building, after picking a lock to break in. The building suffered extensive damage and our bozos were quickly placed under arrest. The arrest was so easy that the cops suspected something was up. And they were right. In their confession, the teenagers offered up the Bozo Excuse of the Week. They said they were missing their friend, who was in jail in Winnipeg on arson charges. So, to get a free ticket to visit him, they decided to set fire to the police station. Bad idea. They’re under arrest, in a different jail.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Boonton, New Jersey, where police spotted a suspicious, parked car. The officers pulled up alongside the car and spotted our bozo, 19 year-old bozo Matthew Mays, sitting behind the wheel and smoking what appeared to be a marijuana cigarette. Any doubt about what he was smoking literally went up in smoke when our bozo blew smoke from his mouth out of his window and into the window of the patrol car. Bad, bad idea. He’s under arrest.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Fort Mill, South Carolina, where police were called to a report of a domestic disturbance. When the cops arrived they found pieces of pizza all over the living room floor as well as on the walls. The victim also had pizza sauce on her face,arms and clothing. What caused all this mayhem? Apparently the couple had gotten into an argument while enjoying the pizza and her boyfriend began pelting her with slices. When questioned, he offered up the classic excuse, “She started it.” Didn’t work. He’s been charged with domestic violence.

Bozo criminal for today once again proves that Bozos and social media just don’t mix. From Fort Lauderdale, Florida, comes the story of bozo Alan Rodriguez who was on probation for a 2008 robbery conviction. One of the terms of his probation was that he was not to possess any firearms. That’s why officers checking out his Facebook page where surprised to discover pictures of our bozo proudly displaying guns at his mother’s home in 2011 and another picture of him firing a pistol last year at a gun range. He should have kept the photos private. He faces as much as 20 years in prison on firearms charges and probation violations.