Bozo criminal for today violated Bozo Rule Number 188876: It’s always a good idea to make sure your license plate is secure. From Mansfield, New Jersey, comes the story of bozo Robert Sloan who liked to do donuts and burnouts on the local roads. Apparently his car had a lot of horsepower, enough horsepower that he slung off his license plate during one of his donuts. Cops picked up the plate at the scene of the burnouts and our bozo’s buns were burned.
Bozo criminal for today comes from Bayonne, New Jersey, where bozo Paul Sayers made a quick right turn in traffic, cutting off another driver who had to swerve into the left hand lane to avoid an accident. The guy in the other car honked at our bozo and when the two vehicles ended up side by side at a red light, our bozo rolled down his window and shouted that he was “an off-duty police officer and I’ll >bleep< you up!" Not a good idea, especially when they guy you're threatening actually is an off-duty police officer. The cop alerted dispatch and followed our bozo until backup arrived. He's been charged with impersonating a police officer and reckless driving.
Bozo criminals for today come from Chicago, Illinois, where two bozos, one armed with a squirt gun, entered a restaurant and demanded cash. The owner politely told them that they had come at the restaurant’s busiest time and if they could please come back later when it was less hectic. Since they only lived about a block from the place, our bozos decided to do as he said. When they returned, the cops were waiting for them. Busted!
Bozo criminal for today from Quilcene, Washington, has the distinction of having one of the most unusual names ever, Ulysses Corwin Nevermissashot. Bozo Nevermissashot allegedly robbed a bank teller at gunpoint, getting away with an undisclosed amount of cash. As he fled on foot, witnesses noticed him throw away a cigarette, which the police retrieved, which contained his DNA. But he wasn’t through dropping evidence. He also tossed a black plastic bag which contained the fingerprints of his roommate, who confirmed to the cops that she was missing a box of black plastic bags. Mr. Nevermissashot is presently under arrest.
Our Bozo for today from the inappropriately named city of Niceville, Florida, doesn’t qualify as a criminal, but her excuse to the cops certainly qualifies her for Bozo status. Police were called to a residence after a neighbor overhead a woman screaming death threats at her husband. Upon investigation, the officers learned the argument arose when the husband refused to get off the phone to spend time with his family. The woman said she did threaten to kill her husband but she was only “kidding.” It was her further explanation that landed her in the Bozo Hall of Fame. She told the cops they had been married 71 years and it was her “right” to kill him after being married so long. The cops chose not to argue with her logic and no charges were filed.
Bozo criminal for today comes from Syktyvkar, Russia, where our bozo for today came up with a rather unusual item to steal. A road. Yep, he decided to steal 82 segments of reinforced concrete that made up a roadway just outside the city. So, how to you steal a roadway? In this case, you use heavy machinery to load it onto three large trucks. And then there’s the matter of getting it home. Our bozo convoy had just pulled onto the highway when they were spotted by the cops. Uh, do you have a permit for hauling a roadway? No? Busted!
Our bozo criminal for today certainly got what was coming to him, and the odd thing about it is, he was his own victim. From Norfolk, Virginia, comes the story of our unidentified bozo who went speeding through a residential neighborhood. Homeowners who were outside waved and yelled at the guy, telling him to slow down, there were children playing. This didn’t sit well with our bozo who made a quick u-turn and pulled over. Looking for a confrontation, he got out of the car and reached into his pants to pull out a gun. But before he could remove the weapon, it went off, shooing him in the privates. After being taken to the hospital he was placed under arrest.
Bozo criminal for today forgot one of Mama’s rules: Lock the bathroom door behind you. From Parsippany, New Jersey comes the story of an unidentified bozo who walked into a convenience store around 1a.m. He headed for the bathroom where he sat down on the toilet, pulled out a baggie of marijuana and started breaking the weed up using a $100 bill. Unfortunately for him, a police officer arrived shortly thereafter and needed to use the restroom. And, even more unfortunately, since he didn’t lock the door, the officer walked right in on him doing his business. And this business sent him to jail.
Bozo criminal for today is a certified member of the Bozo Lonely Hearts Club. From Monroe County, Florida comes the story of bozo Matthew Calder who called 911 to report a rather strange kidnapping. He told the cops his girlfriend was being abducted by two men in a U-Haul truck. The cops arrived and did indeed find a U-Haul truck. And our bozo’s girlfriend was inside. But that’s the only part of the story our bozo got right. It seems his girlfriend was loading her stuff into the U-Haul with the intention of leaving our bozo, who had made up the kidnapping story in an attempt to get her to stay. Didn’t work. She moved out and he went to jail for misuse of 911, public intoxication and resisting arrest.
A couple of bozos are involved in today’s story from Los Angeles. First is the bozo car valet at a LA restaurant who left a $200,000 car running and unattended. This was too much temptation for bozo number two, Dylan Carter, who jumped into the idling car and sped away. Of course, being a bozo, it never occurred to him that a car worth $200,000 would have a tracking system. The police used the car’sOnStar to track down the vehicle, which they found parked near an American Legion post. The cops staked it out, and, when he returned to the car, they approached him. Our bozo hightailed it, running through the American Legion post and out the back door, where he jumped a fence, ran to a residential area, broke into a home, dressed in the homeowner’s clothes and hid beneath a pile of wood. In spite of his best efforts, the cops tracked him down and placed him under arrest.
Bozo criminal for today comes from Fort Myers, Florida, where Danielle Adams was enjoying a day at the beach with her two daughters. They were all in the water when Danielle spotted a daring masked bozo thief rifling through her bag. Before she could stop him, our bozo grabbed her pink wallet and scampered away. She gave chase, along with several other folks who saw what had happened. Thinking better of his crime, our bozo dropped the wallet and disappeared into the woods. Police are investigating but say it may be difficult to arrest our bozo. You see, the thief in this case was a raccoon who obviously has a taste for money.
Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Barbara Goldstein for sending in today’s report from the International File in St. Theresa Point, Manitoba, Canada. It seems two teenage bozos set fire to the Royal Canadian Mounted Police building, after picking a lock to break in. The building suffered extensive damage and our bozos were quickly placed under arrest. The arrest was so easy that the cops suspected something was up. And they were right. In their confession, the teenagers offered up the Bozo Excuse of the Week. They said they were missing their friend, who was in jail in Winnipeg on arson charges. So, to get a free ticket to visit him, they decided to set fire to the police station. Bad idea. They’re under arrest, in a different jail.
Bozo criminal for today comes from Boonton, New Jersey, where police spotted a suspicious, parked car. The officers pulled up alongside the car and spotted our bozo, 19 year-old bozo Matthew Mays, sitting behind the wheel and smoking what appeared to be a marijuana cigarette. Any doubt about what he was smoking literally went up in smoke when our bozo blew smoke from his mouth out of his window and into the window of the patrol car. Bad, bad idea. He’s under arrest.
Bozo criminal for today comes from Fort Mill, South Carolina, where police were called to a report of a domestic disturbance. When the cops arrived they found pieces of pizza all over the living room floor as well as on the walls. The victim also had pizza sauce on her face,arms and clothing. What caused all this mayhem? Apparently the couple had gotten into an argument while enjoying the pizza and her boyfriend began pelting her with slices. When questioned, he offered up the classic excuse, “She started it.” Didn’t work. He’s been charged with domestic violence.
Bozo criminal for today once again proves that Bozos and social media just don’t mix. From Fort Lauderdale, Florida, comes the story of bozo Alan Rodriguez who was on probation for a 2008 robbery conviction. One of the terms of his probation was that he was not to possess any firearms. That’s why officers checking out his Facebook page where surprised to discover pictures of our bozo proudly displaying guns at his mother’s home in 2011 and another picture of him firing a pistol last year at a gun range. He should have kept the photos private. He faces as much as 20 years in prison on firearms charges and probation violations.
Bozo criminals for today come from the International File in Halmstad, Sweden, where a pair of teen girls pulled off a robbery at a local restaurant. The girls, wearing ski masks, threatened kitchen staff with a butcher knife before getting away with an undisclosed amount of cash. A police K-9 officer was able to follow the scent to a nearby residence, where the cops found the ski masks and the knife, along with two teen girls who denied being involved. Their denials might have held up except for one thing. Before the robbery, one of the girls had taken a cellphone picture of herself and the other subject standing in front of a mirror wearing the masks and holding the knife. They’re busted!
Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Fred McKinney for sending in today’s report from the International File in Phuket, Thailand. Our unidentified bozo, wearing the unlikely getup of a pink raincoat, shorts, motorcycle helmet and a surgical mask, walked into a convenience store and demanded cash. He got away with 2200 baht (about $71). A few minutes later our bozo returned and gave back a 10 baht coin, apparently thinking if he gave some of the money back it would lessen his crime should be be caught. Not sure about that, but we are sure he shouldn’t have brought the money back. Cops were able to ID him from a fingerprint left on the returned coin. He’s busted!
For today, we present another story from the Bozo Lonely Hearts Club. From Kato Ambelia, Greece, comes the story of an unidentified 16 year old bozo who was treated for a gunshot wound to the foot. He told investigating officers he accidentally shot himself while trying to ward off a home intruder. When the details of his story didn’t add up, he finally told the cops the truth. He had taken his father’s gun and shot himself in the foot on purpose. And the reason? He wanted to impress a girl he was interested in. Don’t know if that worked, but we do know his father has been charged of illegal gun possession and neglect.
Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Whitefield, England, where an unidentified bozo rode her horse up to the drive-thru lane at the local McDonalds. The clerk told her that due to company policy they could not serve her on horseback. So, she did what any bozo would do. She left the drive-thru lane and brought the horse in through the front door of the restaurant, where he promptly gave his opinion of the place by doing his business on the floor. She was charged with causing alarm and distress. No word if she ever got her Big Mac.
Not sure there’s really any criminal activity involved here, but someone’s a bozo. And just who that is may depend on your political affiliation. From Vancouver, Washington, comes the story of Jeffery Barker who is accused by the police of firing his shotgun into the air to scare off prowlers who were outside his home. The cops said there was no evidence of any prowlers on his property and allege that Mr. Brown illegally discharged a firearm. Mr. Brown offers a form of executive privilege as his defense, saying he was just following the instructions of Vice President Joe Biden. He sites a question and answer session with the Vice President in February in which he said, “If you want to protect yourself, get a double-barreled shotgun.” We eagerly await the judge’s decision on this one.