Author: dave

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Cologne, Germany, where our unidentified bozo spotted what he thought was an easy target. Seeing an unoccupied Porsche SUV in a parking lot, our bozo opened the unlocked door and climbed inside. He was rummaging around looking for valuables when he heard a “click.” The vehicle’s central locking system had activated, locking all the car doors. And, try as he might, our bozo couldn’t get the doors to unlock. Witnesses even noticed him kicking the door in an attempt to break out. Didn’t work. The cops and firefighters were called to free the man from the car before placing him under arrest.

Bozo criminals for today come from Denver, Colorado where four teenage bozos broke into a residence and stole a PS3 game console, some clothes and several other items. When the homeowner returned home to find her kitchen window broken she called the cops and asked them to meet her at a nearby McDonalds because she was too scared to stay at home by herself. She had no sooner pulled into the parking lot than two of our bozos, one of them wearing a stolen jacket, came up to her car and offered to sell her the PS3 game console. The woman refused and then told the cops what was going on. Our bozos are busted!

Bozo criminal for today comes from Rochester, Minnesota, where our unidentified bozo attempted a break-in at the Hooked on Fishing store. Guess he’d never been in the store before or he would have known that, as soon as the door is opened, “Big Mouth Billy Bass”, which is mounted above the door, bursts into a stirring rendition of “Take Me to the River.” Apparently, Big Mouth Billy frightened our bozo so much that he fled empty handed. leaving behind cash that was left in “a very visible spot.”

Bozo criminal for today comes from Auburn, Washington, where the sight of a man napping in the driver’s seat of a truck at 4:30 a.m. was too much for bozo Sean Anders to resist. He knocked on the window and told the driver he had a gun and would shoot him if he didn’t turn over the keys. The driver tried to explain that the truck had run out of gas and other family members had gone for help, but our bozo was hearing none of it. The owner fled the scene, leaving our bozo to try to start and drive a truck that was out of fuel. He managed to make it about 50 yards before it sputtered to a stop for good. The cops arrived in time to find our bozo walking along the highway near the vehicle. He’s under arrest.

Bozo criminal for today comes from China, Maine, where police were called to a home on a report of screaming sounds that seemed to indicate a possible domestic disturbance. And it was, just not the type the cops were expecting. Four troopers arrived at the home and questioned the resident who explained that the sounds were coming from the pig pen outside. Inside the pen, the cops found five female pigs in heat and one screaming male pig. It’s not clear if the screams were of joy or for help.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Bradenton, Florida, where the cops were called to a residence after a report of an argument. When the cops arrived, the explanation our bozo gave landed her in the Bozo Hall of Fame. Bozo Shavonna Rogers told the cops that, after an evening of drinking, she and her boyfriend got into a fight when he refused to cuddle with her in bed. Our bozo allegdly tore her boyfriend’s shirt and threatened him with a knife when he rejected her snuggling offer. Perhaps the close proximity to Valentine’s Day has caused the DA’s office to be lenient. Prosecutors say they have decided not to pursue the case, as long as it doesn’t happen again.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Portland, Oregon, where bozo Joseph Jenkins was involved in a dispute with his neighbor over some unspecified property. The dispute intensified to the point where our bozo pulled a gun on his neighbor, demanding that he turn over the items. It’s not clear whether or not our bozo got what he came after but he did shoot his neighbor in the leg before fleeing. And that’s when he got something he definitely wasn’t looking for. As he stuffed his weapon into the waistband of his pants, the gun went off, shooting him in the testicles. BIG OUCH. After he is released from the hospital he faces charges of first degree robbery, second degree assault and felon in possession of a firearm.

With all the Super Bowl parties coming up this weekend, let this bozo’s misadventures in a bar serve as a precautionary tale. From Old Shotton, England, comes the story of bozo Pete Hatton, who had been drinking all day with friends in a pub and had been told by them that he should expect “entertainment.” When a female police officer arrived to investigate reports of rowdy behavior at the bar, our bozo made a major miscalculation. He assumed the officer was the “entertainment” in the form of a stripper dressed as a cop and he proceeded to dance around her, saying, “Look, one of the strippers!” He sealed his fate when he popped the officer on the butt with a bar towel. Bad idea. He was placed under arrest and charged with obstructing an officer.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Arlington, Florida, where Bozo Charles Hampton had formulated a “foolproof” bank robbery plan. Except he didn’t take into account he was the “fool”. Our bozo headed down to the Fifth Thrd Bank branch in Arlington, wearing a bandanna mask on his face, with his hoodie pulled up over his head and carrying what appeared to be a handgun. His next step was to burst through a side door and demand the cash from unsuspecting tellers. Only problem, that side door just wouldn’t open, no matter how hard he tugged on it. The one thing he had failed to notice was the “exit only” sign over that side door. Seeing that his foolproof plan had gone horribly wrong, our bozo attempted to escape on his bicycle but was apprehended by a passing cop who noticed what was going on. He’s busted!

Bozo criminal for today comes from Chicago, Illinois, where cops were called to a report of shoplifting. Walmart security officers detained our bozo who was seen coming out of a fitting room wearing apparel she had carried into the room. When the officers questioned her they noticed she was acting strangely and got even more agitated when they asked to check her purse. It was then that she came up with the Bozo Question of the Month. She asked the cops if she could have “just one blow” of the heroin from her purse. Request denied. Add felony possession of a controlled substance to the misdemeanor theft charge.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Maple Valley, Washington, where our unidentified bozo snatched a purse that was left on a table at a Starbucks cafe. She then hailed a cab and, using the information found inside the purse, went to the victim’s house and let herself inside. By this time, the victim had made her way back home and spotted the cab in front of the house. The cabbie told her the woman had told him she was going to the house to “pick someone up.” The cops were called and, by the time they arrived, our bozo had left by the back door. Several things were missing, including numerous items of clothing. And that is where our story might have ended, except for one thing. It seems those items of clothing were so lovely that our bozo simply couldn’t resist wearing them the very next day. To a nearby restaurant. And who should walk into the restaurant but the victim who recognized her clothes. The cops were called and our bozo, who by this time was hiding in the restroom, was placed under arrest.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Daytona Beach, Florida, where our unidentified bozo walked into the TD Bank and demanded cash. The teller complied, giving him the money. So far, so good. Now, all that left to do is make a clean getaway. Which he did. As it turns out, maybe too clean. In his haste to get away, he left the money behind. Oops.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Poinciana, Florida, where the cops were executing a warrant at a suspected marijuana grow house. The man who answered the door, our bozo, initially refused to open the door, explaining that he wanted to finish smoking a joint. He closed the door and the officers waited patiently, smelling the odor of marijuana wafting from inside. When he did open the door a short time later, the cops found 190 marijuana plants being grown in three rooms of the house. He’s busted!

Bozo criminal for today comes from Gainesville, Florida, where bozo Brielle Wilson was having a rough night. She had too much to drink and shouldn’t have been driving, but she was. She was involved in an accident, which left her car damaged on the right side and completely missing its right rear tire. Somehow, she was able to keep going until she finally pulled into a parking lot. And not just any parking lot. She pulled into the lot of the Alachua County Jail. Employees of the jail called the cops and she was placed under arrest for DUI and booked into the very jail she drove up to.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Sharkey in the Morning for sending in today’s report from Freeland, Pennsylvania, where the police department was looking for bozo James Popovich, who was wanted on aggravated assault and numerous other charges. Being a modern force, the cops posted a mugshot of our bozo on their Facebook site. Being a modern bozo, Popovich noticed the post and shared it on his Facebook page. Bad, bad idea. The cops lured our bozo out to a meeting with a female officer who posted on his site and asked him to meet her for a cigarette. Less than 45 minutes after he shared the post, he was under arrest.

Bozo criminals for today come from Westlake, Ohio, where bozos Sebastian Warren and Anthony Curtis told the cops that they had met a group of teenagers in a Taco Bell parking lot to practice medieval sword-fighting and that the teenagers robbed them. The police thought the story sounded a wee bit strange so they did some more investgating and discovered that, in reality. the men had been selling marijuana to the teenagers at the time of the robbery. Oops…guess they forgot to mention that. They’re busted!

Bozo criminal for today comes from Chicago, Illinois, where our unidentified bozo staked out his target for break-in, the Shambles Bar. He planned carefully, arriving at 6:43 a.m. when no one was around, he brought all the right tools and even found a door that was hidden from public view by a temporary cover to protect patorns from the winter weather. Next step, dislodge a safety guard doorstop. Done. Now, using his tools, he pried the lock from the front door of the business. Done. Now, all that was left to do was pull on the door and go in and get his loot. Much to his surprise, when he pulled, nothing happened. He tried and tried and the door simply wouldn’t budge. He double checked his work and could find nothing else holding the door, so he gave the door one more good, hard pull. Still nothing. Deciding there was nothing else to do, he simply gave up and walked away, leaving the complete video history of his attempted break-in on the bar’s security cameras. And those security cameras also showed one other thing that our bozo never noticed…a big sticker on the door reading “PUSH.”

Our bozo for today from St. Tammany Parish, Louisiana, is a proud member of our Bozo Lonely Hearts Club. It seems bozo Kareem Carpenter had an emergency, so he dialed 911. He told the operator he “needed a woman.” Now, this request alone would probably have landed him in the Bozo Hall of Fame, but it doesn’t stop there. The operator got his name and ran a check on him, discovering he was convicted sex offender, and he hadn’t notified authorities when he moved from New Orleans to Slidell. His residence has changed again…to the parish jail.

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Mexico, City, Mexico, where bozo Guillermo Diaz was stopped by the cops at a routine alcohol checkpoint. As the officer approached the car, he could hear a voice saying, “He’s drunk, he’s drunk.” When he looked inside, there was no one there except our bozo…and his pet parrot, who kept repeating the ill-timed phrase. And, as it turns out, the parrot knew what he was talking about. Our bozo failed a field sobriety test and was taken to jail. On a positive note, the parrot was allowed to accompany him.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Santa Ana, California, where bozo Ruben Gonzalez burglarized a home. He collected several items, including cell phones and a PlayStation game console. And then he made his getaway, right? Wrong. Instead, our bozo took his loot and headed to the bedroom of the homeowners, where he curled up at the foot of the bed and fell asleep. The man of the house was awakened when our bozo moved and touched his leg. A brief scuffle ensued and sleeping beauty was chased from the residence, but not before the homeowners recognized him as someone who lives in the neighborhood. The cops were called and were directed to our bozo’s home where he was placed under arrest.