Yearly Archives: 2003

Bozo criminal for today comes from Waco, Texas where bozo Timothy Barnes didn’t have the best getaway plan when he broke out of jail. He scaled a fence and tried to get a ride from a motorist at a convenience store nearby. The driver recognized our bozo from his orange jumpsuit and from a news story he had heard. He sped away and called the cops on his cell phone. Thinking he needed a change of clothes, our bozo headed over to Baylor University where he broke into the Fine Arts Center. He then found his way to the theatre department’s costume closet where he exchanged his orange jumpsuit for something new. Unfortunately he selected a bright green ensemble that attracted even more attention to him. He was quickly spotted and captured by the cops who dubbed him the "Green Hornet."

Bozo criminals for today violated Bozo Rule Number 1115: Before embarking on a life of crime, get a computer with a spell checker. From Hickory, North Carolina comes the story of bozo Kathy Nolan and her daughter Amanda. They came up with the bright idea of printing counterfeit payroll checks with the plan of cashing them to make a quick profit. North Carolina is furniture manufacturing country so they made up a payroll check from the Broyhill Furniture Company and presented it for cashing at a grocery store. Only one problem, they misspelled Broyhill. Ever heard of the Boryhill Furniture Company? Neither had the clerk who called the cops.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Hannibal, Missouri where bozo Mark Osteen may not only be a stupid crook, he may also be the world’s worst driver. Bozo Mark was wanted by the cops for a probation violation and when the police tried to take him into custody he fled in his car, with the cops in hot pursuit. Before long our bozo crashed the vehicle, jumped out and stole another one only to crash it as well. This process continued through six vehicles, from a Saturn sedan to a flatbed truck, with our bozo either crashing or abandoning them all before finally being taken into custody. Maybe he can take driver’s ed in prison.

Thanks to several Bozo News Hawks who alerted us to this one from our own backyard. From Mineral Wells, Texas comes the story of bozo Peter Cook who made several mistakes in his bozo crime spree. First, he broke into a store owned by the wife of the county’s district attorney. Second, after emptying the cash register he used the store’s restroom, leaving his gun on the bathroom counter. And third, on his way out, he decided to give a big bed that is part of the store’s display a try. You guessed it, within seconds he was sound asleep. And he was still there when store employees opened up the next morning. His final mistake came when police officers arrived and woke him up. He shouted at them "Hey, I was asleep!" He’s now snoozing in jail.

Bozo criminal for today comes from San Francisco, California where bozo Lee Henning held up a bank, getting away with a bag full of cash and shouting on his way out, "I’m the Silver Wolf! God bless!" Unfortunately for him, he doesn’t have the smarts of a wolf. After completing the job he calmly walked down the street to the Le Central Bistro. Still wearing his desert camo fatigues and carrying two bulging duffel bags, he sat down and ordered smoked salmon and a glass of red wine before heading to the restroom. He emerged a few minutes later wearing a black turtleneck, black sunglasses and a woman’s black hat. While that might not attract attention in San Francisco, the employees did notice several police cars buzzing around and they decided to call 911 to find out what all the fuss was about. When they told them about the robbery, the wait staff said they had their bozo right there. He was arrested before he finished his wine.

Bozo criminals for today come from the International File in Liverpool, England. Bozos John Hamby and George Smith stole an Alfa Romeo automobile and were cruising around town in it when they were spotted by a police officer. Trying to avoid a high speed chase, a police helicopter was dispatched to follow the car. Don’t know if our bozos spotted the helicopter or if they just got tired of driving around but they decided to ditch the car. They pulled into a parking lot and casually walked away. Well, they didn’t walk very far. They had selected the police station parking lot to ditch the car in. They’re under arrest.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report. From the International File in Breda, The Netherlands comes the story of an unidentified bozo who was upset upon returning home to find his place had been broken into and several items stolen. He immediately called the cops who came by and after doing a routine search of the home, arrested him. Why? He had called about his own home being broken into, right? Yep, but apparently he forgot about his profession as a computer thief. Police noticed the ID sticker of a local school on his home computer and found several other stolen school computers in a storage room behind the house. Busted!

Bozo criminal for today once again proves our theory that animals are smarter than your average bozo. From Belleville, Illinois comes the story of bozo Ron Lucas who was wanted by the cops for several outstanding warrants. When he was pulled over for a traffic violation, he jumped from his car and sprinted away through a pasture at a horse farm. The cops lost track of him when he took refuge in a shallow, water filled ditch, covering himself with mud to avoid detection. His plan might have worked except several horses in the field had seen the whole thing and a group of them gathered around our mud covered bozo to see what was going on. Officers came over to investigate and fished him out.

Bozo criminals for today come from the International File in Santiago, Chile, where a gang of bozos entered a jewelry store and forced the employees to open the gem cases. As they were busy helping themselves, store employees began to shout for help. An alert passerby noticed what was going on and pulled down and locked the security shutters on the outside of the store. Trapped like rats, our bozos tried to negotiate a deal with the store employees, let them go and they won’t take anything. Not gonna happen. The police quickly arrived and hauled our bozos to jail.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report. From the International File in Leverkusen, Germany, where it’s been extraordinarily cold this winter, comes the story of bozo Karl Spiegel who attracted the attention of the cops by walking around in the bitter cold wearing only a thin jacket. The cops suspicions were aroused enough that when he walked into a department store they decided to follow him to see what he was up to. The cops were amazed at his transformation. He entered the store as a thin young man but when he was ready to leave he had undergone what looked to be a tremendous weight gain, kind of like Eddie Murphy in the Nutty Professor. That was because he had slipped on a shirt, pullover sweater, heavy jacket, several pair of underpants and one pair of swimming trunks, all underneath his clothing. His wardrobe is now provided by the city jail.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Donald Stephens for sending in today’s report. From the International File in Beaufort West, South Africa comes the story of bozo Salaam Kimala who hijacked a truck, tying up the driver and continuing on the highway toward Capetown. When our bozo noticed a number of police cars at a truck weigh station up ahead, he panicked and jumped out of the truck, ditching it on the side of the road. Left behind were his ID booklet, drivers license and firearms license. The police had not received word of the truck hijacking and wouldn’t have suspected a thing had they not seen him running from his abandoned vehicle. He’s now under arrest.

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Newmarket, Ontario, Canada where bozo Don Hannah broke into a convenience store just a few steps away from the police department. That in itself is a bozo act but it gets better (or worse). A man who lived in an apartment above the store heard the commotion and came down to investigate, cell phone in hand. He told our bozo to get out of there and that he was calling the cops right now. Of course our bozo paid no attention to the warning and went into the store. When the police arrived a few moments later they found him inside the store, filling his pants with packages of cigarettes. He’s under arrest.

Our story for today also features the Bozo Excuse of the Month. From Northampton County, Pennsylvania comes the story of bozo Charles Dale who was called to appear before a judge on charges of crashing his car into a bus. When asked to explain what happened, our bozo told the judge he was sleepy because he had "been up all night printing counterfeit checks." Oops…the judge checked out his story and added the counterfeiting charge to the reckless driving one.

Bozo criminals for today come from the International File in Aachen, Germany. A husband and wife bozo team had a plan for robbing a department store. The husband would shoplift the items they wanted while the wife would keep a lookout. If she thought they were in danger of being caught, she was to begin taking off her clothes to distract the guards so her husband could make his getaway. And that’s exactly what happened, she saw a security guard headed their way and immediately began stripping down. That’s when things got off track. Apparently her husband decided that wasn’t such a good idea after all. He dropped all the items he had shoplifted as he tried to cover up his now nearly naked wife. They’re both under arrest.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Westlake, Ohio where bozo John Monroe thought he was placing a late night phone call to his girlfriend. He must not have been paying much attention because even after a male voice answered he continued to talk dirty to the person on the other end of the line. At this point, most people would have simply hung up the phone. Instead Guy Turner, the recipient of the call, stayed on the line and called some of his co-workers on his cell phone. He asked those co-workers to put a trace on the call. You see, our bozo had accidentally dialed the chief of police who dispatched a squad car to our his house. When the cops arrived, they found Romeo sound asleep with the phone still in hand. He’s under arrest.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Donald Stephens for sending in today’s report. From the International File in Amsterdam, The Netherlands comes the story of an unidentified bozo who broke into a residence, taking a TV, several pieces of stereo equipment and a cell phone. Using the cell phone, he called the homeowner a few hours later and told him that he had taken his stuff and would sell it back to him for a fraction of the replacement cost. Playing along, the homeowner agreed to meet our bozo–he was to bring the cash and our bozo was to bring the stolen goods. Unfortunately, he forgot to tell him he was also bringing the cops. He’s under arrest.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Chicago, Illinois where bozo Blair Moore was arrested and charged with the illegal wiretapping of his neighbor’s phone. At the trial his fate was sealed when the neighbor took the stand and testified that she was on the phone with a friend one evening and told her friend that she thought her neighbor had tapped her phone. Moments later our bozo burst into her apartment and said, "I don’t listen to phone conversations!" The jury returned a guilty verdict in record time.

Bozo criminal for today violated Bozo Rule Number 3975: In the Bozo world, its not always a good idea to keep your promises. From New York, City comes the story of bozo Trevor Patel who got into a disagreement with the counter man at the neighborhood deli where he was a regular. When he left, our bozo promised he’d be back, and when he returned it would be to rob the place. He was gone just long enough to put on a ninja outfit-all black clothing with a ski mask. He rushed by the counter man, who recognized him in spite of the getup, and grabbed about $50 from the register. Unfortunately, since he’d promised to be back, the cops were on the lookout for him. He’s under arrest.

Bozo criminal for today comes from the Wrong Place at the Wrong Time Department. From Cologne, Germany comes the story of an unidentified bozo who had some cocaine with him in his car and felt the need to snort it. For reasons known only to the bozo mind, he pulled into a parking space reserved for police cars right in front of the police station. He was preparing to snort when one of the officers inside noticed him and stepped out to ask him to please park someplace else. He’s now parked in jail.

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Bochum, Germany where an unidentified bozo walked into a convenience store and asked for a six pack of beer. The owner was about to hand it over when our bozo pulled a knife, demanded money, and threatened to stab her if she made any noise. She didn’t make a sound but our bozo did. Instead of handing over the cash she simply dropped the six pack. Right on his foot. He hobbled out the door empty handed.