Yearly Archives: 2003

Today’s story provides yet another example of how a dog is not a bozo’s best friend. From the International File in Zwickau, Germany comes the story of an unidentified bozo who broke into a butcher shop. On this particular evening our bozo had decided to take along his dog, Lumpi. Of course, a butcher shop is heaven for a dog and while our bozo helped himself to the cash, Lumpi helped himself to the sausage. When he broke in, our bozo set off a silent alarm and when he heard the cops approaching he tried to make a run for it, but Lumpi wasn’t going anywhere. Our bozo was outside the shop, whistling and calling to the dog when the police arrived.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Rocco Pallotto for sending in today’s report. From Greenville, South Carolina comes the story of an unidentified bozo who passed a hold up note to a convenience store clerk. The note said, "Give me all your 10s and 20s or I will kill you. Don’t call the police." When the clerk took a look at her and didn’t see a weapon, she simply shook her head and handed the note back to our bozo. And that’s when she came up with the Bozo Excuse of the Week. She said, "Sorry, I must have given you the wrong note. I meant to give you a note asking for cigarettes." The clerk told here to get out and she left. Police are still looking for her.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report. From the International File in Berlin, Germany comes the story of an unidentified bozo who walked into a gas station, threatened the cashier with a knife and demanded money. The woman gave him what she had in the till but he wasn’t satisfied with that and decided to wait around for a few more customers to come in. All of the waiting made him nervous and he really needed a cigarette, but he didn’t have a lighter. The cashier told him she had one in her handbag in the office. Needing that smoke really bad, he told her to go get it. While she was there she called the cops, who arrived before he finished his cigarette.

We present for you today our first ever bozo criminal foiled by ham. From the International File in (where else) Hamburg, Germany comes the story of an unidentified bozo who broke into a butcher shop and stole a large ham. Guess he was hungry, since he munched on it on his way home. Unfortunately he was a rather sloppy eater and the cops simply followed the trail of ham pieces to our bozo’s front door.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Seattle, Washington where bozo Kenneth Roberts robbed a video store, getting away with about $1000 in cash. Even with the cash windfall, our bozo must have gotten bored because he returned to the same video store two weeks later. No, not to rob it again, but to rent a video. He was strolling through the aisles, trying to decide on a movie when a clerk recognized him and called the cops. What do you want to bet the movie he was looking for was "Dumb and Dumber"?

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report. From the International File in Tyrol, Austria comes the story of an unidentified 23 year old bozo on holiday from Holland who went to the local police station to report a number of items stolen. She told the cops that her skis and ski wear, including an expensive pair of ski pants, had been stolen. The cops quickly discovered she was trying to pull a scam for insurance money when they noticed that she was still wearing the very pants she was trying to report as stolen.

(Best of bozo) Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Columbia where bozo Jose Gomez was a "mule" for a Colombian drug dealer. He would swallow cocaine-filled balloons and then board an international flight, thus sneaking the drug undetected through customs. He slipped up upon arrival in Melbourne, Australia. While filling out the customs form, he checked the "Yes" box by the question asking if he was carrying any illegal substances. That led to a quick search and confession.

(Best of bozo) Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Hamburg, Germany where it seems their postal service operates much like ours. An unidentified bozo walked into a post office there, waving a gun and demanding cash. Unfortunately, the only other person in sight was another customer waiting to be helped. There were no postal employees manning the service counters at all. So our bozo waited. And waited. And waited. And after more than 20 minutes of standing by the counter, our furious bozo gave up and left.

(Best of bozo) Bozo criminal for today comes from Denver, Colorado where bozo Mark Haley served on a grand jury which handed down secret indictments against a major drug dealer. Our bozo got the bright idea of going to the drug dealer and offering to sell him information on the case for $50,000. Guess he must not have been paying very close attention to all of the grand jury proceedings. If he had been, he would have known that an FBI agent testified that the drug dealer’s house was bugged. He’s been arrested.

(Best of bozo) Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Oslo, Norway where an unidentified bozo decided to break into an apartment. And of all the apartments in Oslo, he picked the worst possible one. You see, Oslo television has one of those "Big Brother" shows where cameras are set up all over the house. Yep, that’s the house our bozo tried to break into. 17 video cameras recorded his every move and the whole thing was shown live over the internet. Needless to say, our very embarrassed bozo is now under arrest.

(Best of bozo) Bozo criminals for today come from Albuquerque, New Mexico where bozos Paul Smith and James Allen were being held by the cops under suspicion of burglary. During a break in questioning, the officers left our bozos alone in the interview room. Not knowing that the officers could see everything through a two-way mirror, our bozos proceeded to steal some Twizzlers licorice and the change from the office coffee fund box. An additional theft charge has been filed.

We’ve said it time and again, but it still holds true. A dog is man’s best friend unless that man happens to be a bozo. And it’s proven once again in our story for today from the International File in Baden-Wuerttemberg, Germany where an unidentified bozo used his pet dog, "Wolfi" as a lookout while he performed a number of burglaries. Wolfi would wait outside and bark a warning if anyone approached. Things were going well until our bozo decided to rob his own church. He was rummaging around inside when the priest arrived early to prepare mass and caught him. What happened to Wolfi, the guard dog? Wolfi knew the priest and didn’t bark. Good dog!

Bozo criminal for today comes from Great Falls, Montana where they’ve had lots of snow this year. And that snow, combined with his stupidity led to our bozo’s downfall. Trevor Lange broke into a house and stole a CD player, a car stereo and some speakers. Officers called to the scene noticed footprints leading from the broken window where our bozo had gained entrance to the house and police were able to follow those footprints in the freshly fallen snow all the way to his home. That in itself qualifies him as a bozo but it gets better. At the end of the trail of footprints, sitting outside on a window ledge was all the loot he had just stolen. Don’t know why he left it there but we do know he’s under arrest.

Bozo criminals for today come from Ashland, Massachusetts where Leonard Greene and David Castro were driving around one evening looking for something to do. They spotted a residence with a bunch of cars parked around it and decided it could only mean one thing-party!! Bozo Leonard went in to check things out while his friend stayed in the car. Even though he didn’t recognize anyone there he helped himself to a drink and struck up a conversation with one of the guests. Guess he didn’t notice the picture of the local SWAT team on the fridge. Or notice that the sweatshirt the host was wearing said, "Burlington Police Academy" and had a drawing of a pair of handcuffs. Yep, it was a party in which about 20 cops were in attendance. One thing led to another and before you knew it our bozo had offered to bring in some psychedelic mushrooms and cocaine from the car. Sure, go get it, one of the officers told him. When he returned with the dope both he and his friend were placed under arrest.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report. This one sounds like it might have come from a comedy sketch, but as always it’s 100% true. From McAlester, Oklahoma comes the story of 71 year old Kenneth Dixon who held up a bank by threatening the teller with his cane. He ordered her to fill a bag with cash, which she did. Bank employees then distracted our bozo and pulled the old switcheroonie. They exchanged the bag with cash for another one filled with paper. Our bozo came in with nothing and left the same way. He’s now under arrest.

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File, Thespian Division. From Loughton, Essex, England comes the story of bozo actor Kyle Hampton who was preparing for his role in a play that required him to use a sword. Thinking his swordsmanship needed a little work, he called on his fellow actors to work with him, right? Wrong. Maybe he asked some of his college roommates to help him practice? Nope. Keep in mind we’re dealing with a bozo here. He hid in the bushes near the theatre and jumped out in front of two joggers, waving his sword around. Unfortunately fo him, the two joggers were off duty policemen who took him in for questioning.

Bozo Criminal for today comes from Torrington, Connecticut where the Bohemian Pub and Pizzeria was burglarized and about $2000 in cash stolen. Investigating officers discovered on other item was taken in the burglary-the bar tab of a regular customer was missing. The bartender told them this particular customer had been drinking at the bar all day before leaving at around 1 AM without paying. Figuring that only the owner of the tab would want to get rid of it, officers went to the suspect’s home. And there they found our bozo, Daniel Moore, sleeping it off with both the $2000 and the bar tab in his pocket.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Reading, Pennsylvania where bozo Eduardo Ramon was waiting to appear before a judge on charges of receiving stolen property. As you are no doubt aware, sometimes the wheels of justice turn rather slowly and that was the case this day. As time went by, our bozo became bored and decided to do something to amuse himself. He began carving his name into the courtroom bench. Bad, bad idea. A deputy noticed what he was doing and pointed it out to the judge, who immediately ordered him to jail.

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Santiago, Chile where two unidentified bozos held up a jewelry store and after the heist stopped by a bar for a drink. While there they decided to count up how much money they had gotten away with, sorting the cash into piles on the bar. Since the establishment is not in the best neighborhood a police officer stopped by and advised them not to display so much cash in public. It was when he stepped to the table that he noticed they also had jewelry falling from their pockets. When asked about the jewelry our bozos became extremely nervous and confessed.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Donald Stephens for sending in today’s report, which proves once again that honesty is not necessarily the best policy when you’re a bozo. From Christiansburg, Virginia comes the story of bozo Edward Logan who walked into the Tyco Credit Union and told the teller, "Give me all your money. This is a robbery. I have no gun." Wanting to be sure she had heard him correctly, the teller asked our bozo to repeat himself. He did. She told him to get lost and called the cops. Police arrived to find our bozo still in his car, in the bank parking lot, trying to figure out exactly where he had gone wrong.