Yearly Archives: 2010

Bozo criminal for today from Hyannis, Massachusetts, sounds like something that could have happened on "The Bachelor" TV show. 22-year-old Marissa Peters had just gotten married and was preparing to leave the ceremony with the groom when she spotted an old flame of her new husband in the parking lot. Guess there must have been some "old business" between the two, as she jumped in her car and tried to run down the ex. Fortunately her aim had been effected by the bottle of champagne she had at the reception. The old flame was uninjured. The bride spent her wedding night in jail.

There’s no way our bozo for today can be called a criminal, but his behavior confirms without a doubt that he is indeed a bozo. From the International File in Castle Donington, England, comes the story of an unidentified bozo who was on a Ryanair flight from Poland to England when he discovered the scratch off lottery card he was holding was a winner, worth $13,620. Our bozo understandably became very excited, but there’s no explanation for what he did next. He demanded that the airline crew cash his scratch off ticket right then, on the plane, in mid-air. When the crew informed him that there was not sufficient money on board to cash the ticket, he did what only the rarest of bozos would do. He ate the ticket. Chewed it up and swallowed it. Bad idea. Lottery officials say since there is now no evidence that he held a winning ticket, the money will be donated to charity. Next time he should try the airline’s peanuts instead.

With all the bad weather in recent weeks, you knew sooner or later we’d have a case of a Bozo Foiled by Mother Nature. From South Burlington, Vermont, comes the story of bozo Derek West who broke into a store around 4 AM Saturday morning. Seems like a good time to do it, as there aren’t many people around at that hour. Except for one thing. When you’re the only guy around it makes it really easy for the cops to follow your footprints in the snow. And that’s just what the police did, right back to his house. He’s busted!

Bozo criminal for today comes from South Bend, Indiana, where bozo Richard Box stopped at the local Speedway station to fill his truck with gas. Apparently, our bozo had stopped somewhere else that evening and filled up with something else, as when it came time to pull away, he drove off with the gas hose still attached. Totally oblivious to what was going on, our bozo drove down the road with the hose flapping, striking several cars. Police pulled him over and, no big surprise, charged him with drunken driving.

It appears bozos may soon be in short supply in Tampa, Florida, if the cops have their way. 18-year-old bozo David Lang was spotted by the cops walking down the side of the road in full bozo gear. The cops followed him, wearing a bright red and orange wig and face mask, as he walked down a wooded path behind several business offices. When he realized he was being followed, he ran away, only to be captured a couple of blocks away. He’s been charged with wearing a mask or hood in public. Apparently, it’s illegal for adults to wear masks in public in Tampa. Remember, when masks are outlawed, only outlaws will have masks.

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Skwierzyna, Poland, where an unidentified bozo was upset that his old truck had broken down again. Not wanting to pay a tow truck fee, he hitched one of his farm horses to the truck and began towing it down the highway, in the general direction of the local garage. Unfortunately, our bozo was too drunk to steer and the truck veered into the path of an oncoming car, causing it to tumble onto its side. Fortunately, neither bozo nor horse was injured in the accident. When the police arrived, our bozo was complaining loudly that the accident was all the horse’s fault. The cops didn’t buy his excuse. He’s been arrested and charged with drunk driving and animal cruelty.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report from Cheektowaga, New York. Police have arrested a teenager and charged him with doing thousands of dollars in damage to a home’s hardwood floors. It was the circumstances leading up to the damaging of the floors that landed our teen in the Bozo Hall of Fame. It seems he dropped in on a party at the residence being hosted by the homeowner’s teenage daughter. And while there, he felt the urge to show off his break dancing skills. Only problem, he was wearing a large diamond belt buckle at the time. And the buckle gouged numerous holes in the expensive floor, causing over $3000 worth of damage. He’s been charged with criminal mischief and trespassing.

Bozo criminal for today learned the hard way something most of us already know: Don’t tell your hairdresser something you don’t want the whole world to know. From Salem, Oregon, comes the story of bozo William Brown who went into an old building to smoke some marijuana and then set fire to the place, burning it to the ground. Police had no leads until our bozo bragged to his hairdresser that he had set the blaze. The hairdresser called the cops and our bozo was placed under arrest.

Bozo criminal for today violated Bozo Rule Number 00989: Sometimes it’s best to just keep quiet. From Sandy, Utah, comes the story of Bozo Justin Howard who was caught in the act of burglarizing a home by the owner. He was loading items into his car when the man spotted him, and asked, "What are you doing?" It was then our bozo gave the truthful answer, "I’m burglarizing your home." The resident got the car’s license plate number, dialed 911 and old Honest Abe was placed under arrest.

Bozo criminal for today was foiled by a dangerous combination…M&Ms and porn. Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Barbara Goldstein for sending in today’s report from Hamilton, Montana. Bozo Stephan Cooley broke into the offices of the local newspaper and made himself at home, browsing porn on the newspaper’s computers and enjoying a big bag of M&Ms he found in one of the desk drawers. He also found time to shoot off a fire extinguisher and log on to his MySpace and Facebook pages before heading back to his sister’s apartment, which is right next door to the newspaper. And to make it even easier for the cops, he took the M&Ms with him when he left, leaving a convenient trail for the cops right up to her front door. He’s busted!

Bozo criminal for today should have perhaps consulted the Bozo Training Manual before attempting his crime. From Trenton, New Jersey, comes the story of bozo Anthony West whose first mistake was selecting the police headquarters to rob. He did succeed in getting past an unmanned security camera and grabbed a police radio, a computer monitor and an attache case before fleeing. His second mistake was his choice of places to try to sell his stolen loot. The neighborhood Taco Bell. Yep, he walked through the drive thru lane hawking his goods. A suspicious customer grabbed the radio, noticed it was police property and called the cops. He’s busted!

Thanks to several Bozo News Hawks who pointed out this one to us. From Ocoee, Florida, comes the story of an unidentified bozo who broke into a number of cars stealing anything of value he found inside. His luck ran out when he stumbled upon an unmarked police vehicle. He grabbed a Taser, a baton, two pair of handcuffs, a magazine for a police pistol and several other items. His problems began when he decided to play with his loot. First, he accidentally discharged the Taser, shocking himself. Then, while fiddling with the handcuffs, he locked them on himself. He was arrested when he called the cops to ask for assistance in removing the cuffs.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Bruce Bain for sending in today’s report. From Clay City, Kentucky comes the story of bozo Robert Anders who robbed a convenience store, getting away with 17 cartons of cigarettes. In an effort to catch the crook, the store posted a reward for information leading to his arrest. Guess the cash reward was just too much for our bozo to resist. He returned to the store with a carton of the stolen cigarettes and an article of clothing that was worn by the thief, and asked for his reward. He got a different kind of reward than the one he was expecting. He’s under arrest.

Bozo criminal for today learned the hard way that some time honored old pranks may no longer be acceptable. From Greeley, Colorado, comes the story of bozo Andrew Duncan who was partying along with several of his college buddies. When the party got a little too loud, one of the neighbors called the cops to complain. The party broke up, but only so that the guys could plan their revenge. At 4:30 AM someone rang the man’s doorbell and when he answered, he found his newspaper ablaze on the front porch. Thinking they might have something else planned, the man kept an eye on his front yard. Sure enough, a few minutes later he saw our bozo and several of his friends using a flashlight to pick up dog poop and place it in a paper bag. And just as they were about to light the bag and place it on his front porch, the homeowner sprang into action. He tackled our bozo and held him down until the cops arrived. He was booked for investigation of attempted first-degree arson, reckless endangerment, criminal mischief and possession of alcohol by a minor.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Madison, Wisconsin, where bozo William Roberts spotted an ambulance at a ski area and, for reasons known only to the bozo mind, thought it would be a good vehicle to steal. A number of mistakes were made here. First, the emergency medical technicians were in the back treating a patient at the time. And, second, the emergency brake was on when he tried to drive away. He’s under arrest.

Bozo criminal for today obviously didn’t follow her mother’s instructions to "speak up." From Memphis, Tennessee, comes the story of an unidentified would-be bank robber who walked into a credit union and said something to the teller. The teller couldn’t understand her because she was mumbling and asked her to repeat her request. She did, but the teller still couldn’t hear her. Our bozo then reached into her purse, pulled out a holdup note, threw it at the teller and ran from the building. A few hours later she showed up at another credit union. Once again, the teller couldn’t understand her and after several repeated mumbling requests, our bozo once again reached into her purse and handed over a note. This time, she also pulled a gun. When the teller turned and walked away, she ran from the building, tripped and fell, dropped her gun and stumbled into her getaway car. Police are looking for her.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Fred McKinney for sending in today’s report. From Riverton, Wyoming, comes the story of bozo Michael Hennigan who grabbed a bottle of booze and a package of cough drops from the shelves of a local grocery store and quickly ran out without paying. Knowing that store employees might have seen him, he ducked into a nearby building to hide and perhaps to enjoy a quick drink. Which might have been a good idea except for one thing. That building, right next door to the grocery store…was the local police station. He realized his error and tried to flee, but was immediately apprehended.

Valentine’s Day is not far away and we have to assume our bozo was planning a romantic massage for two…or maybe two dozen. From Springfield, Massachusetts comes the story of bozo Chamil Valderamma who stopped by the local Bath and Body works in the mall and picked up a few bottles of body lotion. Actually, more than just a few. Seventy-five, to be exact. And he also failed to pay for them. He just stuffed them into his pants. As you might imagine, 75 bottles of lotion in your pants makes it kind of hard to get around. Employees noticed his rather strange gait and called mall security and he was quickly apprehended. Police officers said our bozo could not bend over to get into the police cruiser until some of the bottles were removed.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Fred McKinney for sending in today’s report. Our bozo for today comes from Chesterfield, Missouri, where Alan Barker was a top salesman at a car dealership that featured exotic sports cars. And, of course, the main selling points of these vehicles are their speed and handling characteristics. And that’s what got our bozo into trouble. He videotaped himself driving a Lamborghini, a Maserati and a Porsche on the Interstate, being sure to show images of the speedometers registering up to 130 MPH. He then posted those videos on YouTube. The police got wind of it and, needless to say, didn’t appreciate his sales efforts. He’s been charged with speeding and reckless driving and faces possible jail time.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Greg Peet for sending in today’s report. We have searched our legal library and can’t find a crime to charge this gentleman with, but there’s not doubt he is a bozo. From Independence Township, Michigan, comes the story of an unidentified 62-year-old man who is known around town for doing "outrageous things." He took an automobile muffler, filled it with gasoline and gunpowder, strapped it on his back, after climbing aboard a sled, lit it. His attempt at making a rocket launcher failed miserably when it exploded, leaving him with burns over 18 percent of his body. Doctors say he’ll recover. And hopefully he won’t watch any more Wile E. Coyote cartoons.