Yearly Archives: 2000

Bozo criminal for today comes from Oklahoma City, Oklahoma where bozo Daryl Simpson was scheduled to appear at the county courthouse to answer charges of marijuana possession. Our bozo couldn’t find a parking place in the designated lot so he decided to park in the police parking lot. That’s mistake one. Two plainclothes officers asked our bozo to move his car. He refused. That’s mistake number two. The officers then asked our bozo for some identification and he opened the glove compartment to look for his drivers license. That’s mistake three. Rummaging through the glove compartment he began pulling out baggies of marijuana. The officers had seen enough. Our bozo was booked on additional charges of marijuana possession. And that drivers license he was searching the glove compartment for? It was in his pocket the whole time.

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Madrid, Spain where bozo Juan Lopez broke into a carpenter’s workshop. Our bozo obviously didn’t read the power tools safety manual before pulling the heist as he somehow got his finger caught in one of the saws and cut the tip of it off. He quickly fled, leaving the fingertip behind. Cops quickly matched the missing digit to our bozo when he checked into the local hospital to have his finger stitched up.

With the price of gas just going up and up it was only a matter of time before this happened. From Sioux Falls, South Dakota comes the story of four bozos who were out cruising around when they noticed they were running low on gas. Since they didn’t have enough money to fill the tank, they made the station attendant a little proposition. They offered to trade some marijuana for a tank of gas. The clerk said he’d have to check with the manager and went into the back and called the cops who arrested our bozos on drug possession charges.

Bozo criminal for today wins our Bozo Continuing Stupidity Award. From Patterson, New Jersey comes the story of bozo George Blumenthal who was sentenced to 50 years in prison for his role in a 1985 jewelry robbery. At his original trial our bozo insisted on acting as his own attorney. Now, he’s petitioned for a new trial on the grounds that he gave himself "ineffective counsel" at the first trial. Proving that he still hasn’t learned a thing, he’s representing himself at the appeal hearing.

Bozo criminal for today is a member of the Bozo Lonely Hearts Club. From Carmel, Indiana comes the story of bozo Joe Brown who was upset that the dating service he had joined kept matching him up with older women when he had requested a woman of child bearing age. Our bozo was so upset that he walked into the dating service, pulled a 357 magnum on the office manager and demanded a $1200 refund. The manager told him she would have to go into the back to write him a check. Instead she called the cops who arrested our patiently waiting bozo. No wonder he was having trouble getting a date.

Best of BozoBozo criminal for today comes from Agawam, Massachusetts where bozo Vincent McKenzie held up a bakery. A police officer who heard the report on the radio spotted our bozo and took off after him. The ensuing high speed chase took them all the way into the neighboring state of Connecticut where the bozo ditched his car and sought refuge in the lobby of a building that he mistook for a shopping mall. Only it wasn’t a shopping mall. Our bozo had stumbled into the entrance of a newly built state prison.

Bozo criminal for today violated Bozo Rule Number 3332. If you’re wanted by the cops it’s usually a good idea to keep quiet. From Milwaukee, Wisconsin comes the story of bozo James Sellars who had just bought a new stereo for his car. And not just any stereo either, but one of those megawatt earth shakers. Our bozo was cruising the streets with that stereo turned all the way up when he attracted the attention of the chief of police who was a whole block away. Upon pulling him over the chief noticed an unlicensed handgun on the seat. When he ran a license check it was discovered that our bozo was wanted for fleeing an officer, damage to property and possession of a controlled substance. He faces up to 15 years in jail, all because that stereo was too loud.

Bozo criminal for today learned the hard way that it’s not just the police you have to worry about when you’re a bozo, sometimes you also have to watch out for your fellow citizens. From Madison, Wisconsin comes the story of bozo John Hanson who flashed a knife at the Bank One teller and demanded cash. Unfortunately for our bozo a quick thinking customer saw what was going on and unhooked the cord used to direct the line of customers and hurled the metal post it was attached to at him. Our bozo was knocked to the floor, losing his knife in the process. He struggled to his feet and staggered toward the door only to be hit over the head by a chair wielding customer. Another customer then sat on our bozo until police arrived.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk John Shelton of Japan for contributing today’s report. From the International File in Osaka, Japan comes the story of a kind-hearted bozo who broke into a home during the afternoon. A woman was there doing housework when the bozo burst in and demanded all her cash. Sobbing and in fear of her life, the woman gave him their savings of about $3000. Our bozo felt sorry for her and explained that while he had to have the money, the least he could do would be to write her a receipt, which he did. Complete with his real name and address. The police were waiting for him at his home the next day.

Bozo criminal for today comes from New York City. Bozo Edward Westhaven left his wife and fled to France with the couple’s $4 million nest egg. Mrs. Westhaven won several court judgments against her bozo ex but could not collect as he remained in Europe, out of reach of authorities. Finally our bozo was captured when he returned to the United States. And what dire emergency would cause this bozo to return to U.S. shores and face imprisonment? His old hairpiece wore out and he needed to have a new one fitted.

Thanks to several Bozo News Hawks who alerted us to today’s Bozo criminal who comes from Las Vegas, Nevada. You have to give bozo Juliano Ramirez an "A" for effort if nothing else. Bozo Juliano stole a car from a dealer’s lot and parked it in front of his house. The police quickly found the car, got a duplicate key made and returned the car to the lot. When our bozo returned home and found his stolen car gone, he went to another dealership and stole a pickup truck. The results were once again the same. The police spotted the car parked in front of a pawn shop and used a duplicate key to recover the vehicle. Undaunted, our bozo took a public bus from the pawn shop to a Toyota dealership and this time stole a sport utility vehicle. The police had seen enough and arrested our bozo, only to release him a short time later after he agreed to cooperate on an ongoing case and promised not to steal any more cars. Do you really think this bozo kept his promise? Of course not. He was arrested again for stealing a new minivan from another dealership. This time he’s staying in jail for a while. He’s been booked on four counts of grand theft auto.

Bozo criminal for today perhaps should have found a less conspicious means of transportation. From Topeka, Kansas comes the story of bozo Walter Drake who needed to get from Los Angeles to Ohio really bad. So he did what any bozo would do. He grabbed his television set and hailed a cab. Yep, he loaded himself and that TV set into a cab in LA and told the cabbie to take him to Ohio. The cabbie, thinking he was in for the tip of a lifetime, agreed. Everything was going well until the cab crossed into Kansas. It was here that a Topeka sheriff stopped them for speeding. Noticing that our bozo looked rather nervous and that he had a really tight grip on that TV, the sheriff did a little checking. Sure enough, inside the TV he found ten pounds of marijuana. Our bozo was busted.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Hartford, Connecticut where bozo Ronnie Hartman worked for the city as a public works employee. Our bozo also moonlighted as a drug dealer. It was the combination of the two jobs that got him in trouble when he started making drug deals over the city radio frequency which was also shared with the police department. Officers overheard the transactions and our bozo was quickly busted.

From Longview, Texas comes the story of bozo Thomas Vance who was seen strolling through the Sav a Lot grocery store. Our bozo attracted attention to himself for a couple of reasons. First he was wearing a jacket on a hot Texas summer morning. And second there was a rather large bulge in that jacket. His fate was sealed when a package of pork ribs fell from underneath that jacket as he headed for the door. Alert employees were able to restrain our bozo until the police arrived. He must have been planning on feeding the whole neighborhood, as a police search found another package of pork ribs hidden in that jacket.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Dave Day of Saint John, New Brunswick, Canada for sending in today’s report. From the International File in Banff, Canada comes the story of a couple of bozos who thought it might be profitable to steal a prehistoric tusk from a local museum. Our bozos smashed the window of the gallery and snatched a 30,000 year old mammoth tusk, valued at $40,000. Once you have a mammoth tusk, the question soon arises, what do you do with it? Our bozos checked around and quickly found that there’s not a large market for fossil tusks. (They probably should have tried e-bay!) Finally finding a fossil wholesaler in Calgary, our bozos showed up in his office, dragging along the tusk, which they claimed they had inherited. (My Grandma passed away and left me this tusk…) Thinking the tusk looked rather familiar, the dealer checked his records and, wouldn’t you know it, they were trying to sell the tusk back to the same dealer who had sold it to the museum in the first place. Cops were called and our bozos were arrested.

Thanks to several Bozo News Hawks who alerted us to today’s story from the Celebrity File. You are perhaps familiar with the rap music artist Snoop Dogg. Mr. Dogg’s songs are known to tell of the many benefits of marijuana smoking and his current tour is even known as the "Up In Smoke Tour." What Mr. Dogg may not be aware of is that too much marijuana smoking can, without warning, change you into a bozo. After Snoop Dogg’s concert Saturday night in San Diego, a large contingent of his posse loaded into the Up In Smoke Tour bus and headed for the US-Mexico border. What happened next sounded as if it could have come from a Cheech and Chong movie. A border crossing guard stopped them and arrested a member of the posse after a cloud of marijuana smoke wafted out when the driver rolled down the window of the bus.

Bozo criminals for today violated Bozo Rule Number 1134: Before you try to steal something, be sure you know what you’re going to do with it when you get it. From the International File in Cordoba, Argentina comes the story of some bumbling bozos who decided to steal the ATM machine from a local bank. Our bozos tied ropes to the machine, tied those ropes to their truck and yanked the contraption from the wall, dragging it about 200 yards down the road. At this point it dawned on the bozos that no one knew how to get inside the infernal machine. "You mean you don’t know how to break it open?" "Nope." "Me neither." So you have an ATM machine tied tied to your car and no one knows how to get the cash out of it. What do you do? If you’re our bozo crooks you just untie it, leave it sitting in the middle of the road and drive away.

Thanks to several Bozo News Hawks who pointed out this one in Ann Landers’ column this week. From Salt Lake City, Utah comes the story of a group of bozos who were running a house of ill repute. And our bozos weren’t shy about promoting it either, going so far as to have flyers printed up giving all the details. How could they not worry about getting caught with flyers up all over the neighborhood? Easy. The flyers were printed in Spanish. What they forgot is that the cops can read Spanish, too. They’ve been shut down.

Bozo criminal for today is a double winner, also winning our Bozo Excuse of the Month award. Bozo David Graham was called before the judge in London, England on reckless driving charges. The arresting officer said Mr. Graham had been driving erratically and had failed a blood alcohol test. Our bozo told the judge that he hadn’t been drinking, explaining that he was a male exotic dancer and fire breather who performed under the name "Magnum" and that the chemicals for his act had caused his blood to register over the limit. Hope he has a bicycle he can ride to his next gig, as the judge wasn’t buying the story and suspended his license for 27 months.

Police in Davenport, Iowa are looking for what may be our most polite bozo ever. The clerk at the Kelly’s gas station told the police that a man in a black ski mask walked in just before midnight, pulled a handgun from his coat pocket and said, "I want your money." The clerk responded, "Don’t even…" It must have been how she said it that got our bozo’s attention as he replied, "OK," put his gun back into his pocket and left.