Yearly Archives: 2003

Thanks to Bozo News Hawks Michael Sittnick and Family for sending in today’s report. From Gambell, Alaska comes the story of two female bozos who were stealing gas from the local fuel depot. Unable to tell how much gas they had placed into their car’s tank, they did what any bozo would do. The lit their cigarette lighter to peer down inside and check the level. Not surprisingly the car and the girls quickly caught on fire. After being treated for minor burns they were placed under arrest.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Chesterfield, South Carolina where police officers were in hot pursuit of bozo thief Tom Clark. Our bozo spotted some dense undergrowth just off the 13th hole of a nearby golf course and made a dash for it, thinking it would be a good place to hide. Wrong. At that very moment a police association golf tournament was going on with 20 off duty officers taking part. He’s under arrest.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report. From the International File in Oslo, Norway comes the story of an unidentified bozo who broke into city hall, ransacking the offices and scrawling graffiti on the walls. As he was getting ready to leave, our bozo had the bright idea to steal a pair of shoes to disguise his footprints as he escaped. And that was what got him into trouble. Police officers noticed him as he left the building and ran very awkwardly down the street. You see, for reasons known only to the bozo mind, he exchanged his tennis shoes for a pair of black ladies high heels. He’s now under arrest and we hear he was very upset because he was caught without a matching purse.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Newport News, Virginia where bozo Robert Sorrels was arrested for being a peeping tom. And there was basically no way he could deny the charge. The cops matched him up with a pair of lip prints that were lifted from the window he was seen peeping into.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Nassau County, on New York’s Long Island where bozo Jerry Curtis had gotten fed up with all the summertime re-runs on network television. So maybe he went to a movie? Nope. Curled up with a good book? No way. He did what any bozo would do. He broke into an apartment so he could watch a pay per view event on TV. He was kicked back in the La-z-Boy when the tenant returned home and called the cops. He’s probably really bored now. The county jail TV has only broadcast channels.

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Croatia where bozo Svetin Gulisja just wasn’t in the mood for love. After coming home from a hard day at work he wasn’t exactly thrilled to see that his wife had candles lit all around and romantic music on the stereo. Knowing that she wasn’t going to take no for an answer, he did what any bozo would do to get out of an evening of romance. He tried to set his house on fire. After firefighters brought the blaze under control, he was charged with arson.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Panama City, Florida where bozo Cornell Jones was on trial for armed robbery and aggravated battery. His lawyer was pleading his insanity defense when our bozo decided to try and prove his attorney’s point. He started shouting "Cuckoo, cuckoo" and then jumped up and mooned the jury. Didn’t work. The jury found him guilty after deliberating only 30 minutes.

(Best of Bozo) Bozo criminal for today comes from Camano Island, Washington, where bozo James Lane went for a little stroll the other evening. Which would have been fine, except that he forgot to put on any clothes. Our totally naked bozo was spotted walking around near a movie theatre. The cops arrived and were in the process of writing him up for indecent exposure when one of the officers asked him what he did for a living. "I grow marijuana for fun and profit," our bozo proudly declared. He went on to tell the officer that he had an unusually large crop that year and would the officer like to help him harvest it. The officer said he’d certainly like to see it, and the bozo happily took him to his greenhouse. The plants were confiscated, and our bozo was busted.

(Best of Bozo) Bozo criminal for today comes from Baltimore, Maryland, where bozo Edwin Grimes wanted to be a policeman really, really bad. So bad, in fact, that he just couldn’t tell a lie when he was being interviewed for a job with the Baltimore Police Department. When the officer asked him if he had ever committed a crime, he answered "yes" and proceeded to tell him that back home in Texas, he’d robbed five people and also been involved in a carjacking. Maybe he thought they’d be impressed with his experience. They weren’t. He’s been arrested.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Ft. Worth, Texas where perhaps bozo Fred McDugan was trying to conserve our natural resources when he walked into a Wells Fargo bank and handed the teller a holdup note written on an old sheet of paper. He got his cash and was out of the building before the teller turned the sheet over and saw just what it was. It was our bozo’s resume with a piece of black construction paper covering his name. The cops peeled away the tape and quickly made the arrest.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Chattanooga, Tennessee where bozo John Hastings was pulled over by the cops for a broken taillight. As the officers were approaching the car, our bozo jumped from the vehicle and ran into the nearby woods. The officers’ calls to our bozo went unanswered so one of them shouted that since he hadn’t surrendered, they were going to turn their police dog loose. Of course, they had no dog but the other officer could do a good imitation, so he started barking. Must have been a vicious sounding bark, too, because after only a minute or so our bozo stood up and said, "I’m here. Call off the dog." He’s very embarrassed and very arrested.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report. From Springfield Township, Ohio comes the story of bozo Dwayne Franklin who broke into the basement of a home and helped himself to a color tv, a couple of guns and a sump pump. (In the long and storied history of the Bozo Criminal Report this is the first time anyone’s ever stolen a sump pump) For reasons known only to the bozo mind as he was stealing the sump pump, our bozo took his wallet out of his pocket and laid it on the washing machine right next to the pump. He took the pump but left the wallet. He’s under arrest.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Carol Wekar for sending in today’s report. The hot weather this time of the year is taking its toll on everyone and our bozos are no exception. From Oklahoma City, Oklahoma comes the story of bozo Bryan Clark who locked himself inside his home in a standoff with the cops. The standoff was into its fourth hour on a hundred degree day when someone decided to call the power company to ask them to cut off the power to the residence, which of course turned off the air conditioner. Our bozo surrendered within two minutes of the air conditioner shutting off.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Leesville, Louisiana where bozo James Lucas had plans to rob a convenience store and then set fire to the place to destroy any evidence. He burst into the store and took three people hostage for a brief time before deciding it was time to torch the place. He let the hostages go, set the fire and made his getaway. Only one thing was missing from his plan. In the heat of the moment, he forgot to rob the hostages or take any money from the store. Un-oh. Realizing that things just weren’t working out for him, he turned himself in.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Mark Skerczak for sending in today’s report. From Martin County, Florida comes the story of bozo Michael Massey who was pulled over by the cops on suspicion of drunken driving. The officer’s suspicions were confirmed when he saw the open bottle of rum in the seat next to our bozo. He was writing out the citation when our bozo came up with an offer that sealed his fate and secured his place in the Bozo Hall of Fame. Reaching into the glove compartment, our bozo pulled out a stack of Dunkin’ Donuts coupons and said, "You can have all these if you’ll just let me park the car and walk home." He did let him park it, so he could haul him to jail.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Brenda Helgerson for sending in today’s report. From the International File in Rio de Janeiro, Brazil comes the story of bozo Anderlei Santos who stole a car and along with it the cell phone that was inside. The desperate owner called our bozo on the phone and negotiated the return of his vehicle for a ransom of $345. So far, so good, right? Wrong. When he worked out the deal for the payment of the ransom, our bozo told the man he could just deposit the money into his bank account, giving him his name and account number. Busted!

Bozo criminal for today comes from Barstow, California where bozo Joy Thompson was pulled over by the cops for driving with expired plates. Bozo Joy, knowing there was a warrant out for her arrest on drug charges, claimed instead that she was her twin sister Nicole. She might have gotten away with her little ruse except for one small detail. There was also a warrant our for twin sister Nicole. Bozo Joy’s under arrest with the additional charge of impersonating another person added to her rap sheet. Don’t know the whereabouts of sister Nicole.

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Canada where bozo Richard Carter was stopped at a Saskatchewan border crossing. A customs agent noticed our bozo acting nervously. And when he took a closer look at his shirt, he noticed several moving bulges underneath. Upon further inspection it was discovered that our bozo was attempting to smuggle four pigeons across the border by hiding them under his shirt. But it was the reason he offered the officers for having the birds under there that sent him to the Bozo Hall of Fame. He told them he only had the birds under his shirt because they were cold.

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Stockholm, Sweden and it proves the old adage that if you’re a bozo and at first you don’t succeed, don’t try again. Our bozos had a plan to break into an electronics store by drilling through the wall from a neighboring suite of offices. On their first attempt, instead of boring into the electronics store, they drilled into a newspaper office housed in the same building. So they moved over a few feet and drilled again. This time they bored into an optician’s office (maybe they should have stolen some glasses while they were there). Undeterred, they tried a third time and broke into an empty office. On their fourth try, they hit paydirt, the electronics store. Unfortunately, they also set off the burglar alarm. Having finally had enough, they left. Police are looking for them.

Bozo criminals for today violated Bozo Rule Number 3342: Before stealing something, it’s a good idea to brush up on your geography. From the International File in Bridgewater, Nova Scotia, Canada comes the story of three teenagers who stole a boat and took it for a little joy ride. After beaching the craft, they decided to set it afire to get rid of the evidence. This might have been a good idea except for one little thing. Our bozos didn’t realize they had come ashore on an island. An uninhabited island with no other way to get off it except for the now burned out boat. Our bozos had to first be rescued before they could be arrested.