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Bozo criminals for today come from Gwinnett County, Georgia, where a seemingly foolproof plan was hatched. Maybe foolproof, but not bozoproof as we shall see. Our bozos broke into a store and stole several pieces of gaming equipment before making their getaway. So, what’s the problem? Well, it seems our very modern bozos were driving a Tesla. And you know how it is with those electric vehicles. They have to be charged. And that’s where the cops found them, at a Tesla charging station not far from the crime scene. Busted! In addition to the gaming systems, our bozos were found to be in possession of what the cops believe to be two pounds of marijuana.

Our bozo for today comes from Clearwater, Florida, where the cops were called to a disturbance at the Baby Dolls strip club. Apparently one of the strippers was involved in an argument with her ex-boyfriend which led to her striking him in the back of the head with a blunt object. The man, who was stunned but otherwise not injured, told the police the “object” was a large roll of bills, her proceeds from a hard night’s work at the club. Well, at least she wasn’t paid in coins. She was arrested and charged with domestic battery and criminal mischief for allegedly damaging his cell phone.

Bozo criminals for today come from Russell County, Alabama, where a plan for a rather unusual heist was hatched. Our bozos decided to steal one of those speed- warning trailers. You know the type, where the speed limit is posted and “Your Speed” shows up in an electronic sign. Apparently the sign contains batteries that are valuable on the resale market. Anyway, our bozos hitched up and hauled away the sign. Two problems. One, the sign contains a camera, which captured video of the theft. And, two, the trailer is equipped with GPS, which allowed the cops to pinpoint our bozo’s location. Busted! And charged with theft.

Our Bozo for today comes from the Thinning the Herd Division. From Sao Paolo, Brazil comes the story of bozo Leandro Novaes who took his mother to a facility for an MRI procedure. As you are no doubt aware, MRI is magnetic resonance imaging, with the key word being magnetic. After being informed of the risks involved with the procedure, our bozo accompanied his mother into the MRI room, with a pistol concealed in his waistband. Bad, bad idea. The machine was turned on and the pistol was pulled from his waistband, discharging in the process. Services are pending. No word on the results of the procedure for his mother.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Catamount for sending in today’s report from Palm Coast, Florida. Our unidentified bozo broke into a closed gas station in the early morning hours. He rummaged around, found the items he was looking for and left. Clean getaway, right? Well, not exactly. He left a debit card with his name on it next to the register. The cops actually recognized the man’s name and went to his residence where they found the stolen items. He then offered up the Bozo Excuse of the Week. He told the cops he left the card behind so he could “come back later and pay.” The cops then offered up the short answer, “Leaving a debit card behind does not absolve you from theft or committing a burglary.” Busted! Charged with theft.

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in La Paz, Bolivia. An inmate serving a 15 year sentence at the Chonchocoro prison devised a daring escape plan. Our bozo, known only as “The Spider” somehow obtained a sheepskin rug which he used to cover himself as he attempted to crawl his way to freedom across the exercise yard. Yep, the old “disguise yourself as a sheep” plan. Didn’t work. Our little lamb is back in his cell. And his only comment upon being captured…”Baaaaa”.

Our bozo for today from Charlotte, North Carolina is from the “Woman Scorned” file. It seems our unidentified Bozo-ette was seeing revenge on her ex-boyfriend, and what better way to do it than by burning down his house, right? According to police reports, she set two fires, one on the porch and another by a propane tank. And as a precaution she used Flex-Seal to stop up the garden hose. Plus, she cut a hole in his above ground pool. Somehow, she grabbed the homeowner’s dog, leashed him up and was standing in the driveway admiring her work when the homeowner emerged. Hold on, this guy doesn’t look familiar…Yep, she had set fire to the wrong house. The homeowner got her license plate number as she fled the scene. She was quickly placed under arrest, charged with felony first-degree arson, assault with a deadly weapon, and larceny of an animal.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Eagle Lake, Michigan, where the cops were called to a report of a domestic disturbance. Upon arrival, they found the victim, somewhat stunned from the attack and with some sort of “residue” in his hair. Further investigation found the attacker, his girlfriend, who is also our bozo, and the source of the residue. A whole chicken. Apparently the two had gotten into an argument and she attacked him with the first thing she found, which was the bird. The report does not state whether the poultry was raw or cooked. Her goose, however, is cooked. She’s been charged with domestic assault and obstructing police.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Chicago, Illinois, where Ruben Zavalla had been casing a muffler shop for a while and decided it looked like a pretty good place to rob. He burst in, flashed a gun and demanded that they empty the safe. Fine. Except for one thing. The manager is the only person who can open the safe and he wasn’t there. Thinking fast, our bozo came up with what seemed to be a reasonable solution. Here’s my phone number. Just call me when the manager comes in and I’ll drop by and pick up my money. Sure, thank you and have a nice day. The staff placed a call. To the cops. He’s busted!

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Howard Rost for sending in today’s report from Buffalo, New York, which proves again that “If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again” does not apply to the Bozo Universe. It seems bozo Rickey Wilson was arrested after allegedly throwing a rock through the front glass door of the U.S. Attorney’s Office. He was charged with third degree criminal mischief and released on his own recognizance. Not the best idea. Upon release he headed straight back to the scene of the crime and threw yet another rock through a window. Another bad idea. This time he’s been arrested by the FBI. Charges are pending.

Bozo criminals for today come from Brazos County, Texas, where a game warden was checking a couple of fishermen for licenses. Our bozo didn’t have one and he also has some outstanding warrants so he decided to give the cop the name of his buddy, who he thought had a clean record. He was wrong. When the officer ran the fake name he discovered that this bozo also had outstanding warrants. Bozo number one was arrested and when he was being booked, decided to come clean about his real identity. He was booked under his real name with his own warrants. Oh, and you can add lying to an officer to his list of charges.

We somehow missed this one from our New Year’s file so let’s bring you up to date. Police were called to a St. Petersburg, Florida restaurant shortly after midnight on New Year’s Day. Cops were investigating a report of an assault and were questioning the suspect when our bozo, who is his wife, kept interrupting. When the officer advised her to keep quiet, she became agitated and threw a plastic new year’s top hat at him, striking him in the forehead. Oops. Bad idea. Busted and charged with felony assault and resisting arrest. Her husband tried to intervene and was also arrested. They will bring in the new year from jail.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Pinellas County, Florida, where our 57-year-old bozo was brought in by the cops on a warrant charging her with failing to appear in court in conjunction with an alleged theft at a Walmart store. Things were going fine until a full body scan revealed something described as “an anomaly”. Further investigation found what appeared to be a glass crack pipe protruding from the woman’s privates. When it was removed from her body, she immediately stepped on it while saying, “This is not a pipe”, instead claiming that it was some sort of sex toy. She had no explanation for the remnants and “burnt markings” on the pipe. Busted! Charged with introducing contraband into a detention facility and tampering with evidence, both felonies.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Detroit, Michigan, where our 30-year-old bozo and his female companion were cruising down I-94 when their car stalled and rolled to a stop. Yep. Out of gas. So, what to do? Call AAA? Nope? Head out on foot to the nearest gas station? Too much trouble. Have the little woman call 911? Sure. After she called twice, our bozo decided they were taking entirely too long so he took matters into his own hands. He called 911 to report “a white man in a purple SRT fired 150 shots into his vehicle with an AK-47.” That got some cops on the scene, quick. Unfortunately for him, when they arrived, not only did they find no evidence of shots being fired, but our bozo was obviously intoxicated. And he didn’t have a valid drivers license. But he did have several outstanding warrants. Busted! And taken to jail.

We don’t know how this one slipped past us, but hopefully it’s not to late to add our final Holiday Bozo of the season. Our report for today comes from Clearwater, Florida, where the cops were called to a report of a domestic disturbance on Christmas Day. Upon arrival the officers observed several pieces of “debris” on the floor and on the back of the alleged victim’s dress. Further investigation revealed the “debris” to be the remains of a very fragile angel Christmas ornament which our bozo had allegedly used as a weapon. Our bozo countered that, actually, it was his girlfriend who had hit HIM with the ornament. The cops could find no evidence to back up his claim and he was booked into county jail on felony charges of battery with a holiday decoration.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Johnson County, Iowa, where the cops received a 911 report about a reckless driver. Deputies spotted our 19-year-old bozo, swerving all over the road and speeding in excess of 100 MPH. When pulled over, he offered up the Bozo Excuse of the Week. He told the cops he floored the accelerator on his Honda because “a good song came on” his stereo. Case closed, right? Well, not quite. When he reached over to his glove box to retrieve his registration and insurance records, a “large amount” of marijuana fell out. Cops also found a pipe and other drug paraphernalia. Busted! Booked into jail on reckless driving and drug possession charges.

It’s a new year, but in Florida, things never change. Our bozo couple had a problem. They were in the process of burglarizing a home when they realized they had hit the jackpot. In fact, they had so much stuff, there was just no way they could move it out of the house by themselves. So, what to do? Call 911 for help, of course. Yep, she called 911 to ask for assistance, and while she was asking she also said they needed a ride to the airport for a weekend getaway they had planned in New York. When the cops arrived, they were still in the house organizing their stuff. They got a ride directly to jail.

As the year winds down, here’s one that moves right to the top of the list of Bozos for 2022. From Gainesville, Georgia, comes the story of our bozo who had an armed robbery all planned out. He waited outside a local business, hidden in some bushes, waiting for an employee to emerge so he could jump him. He failed to take into account the side door, and when someone emerged from that exit, it frightened him, causing him to fire off his gun and attempt a hasty getaway. All good except…look out for that icy spot on the sidewalk! He took a nasty fall and was knocked silly, giving bystanders an opportunity to disarm him and call the cops. Busted! Charged with armed robbery and aggravated assault.

Sometimes we have to waive the “criminal” qualification from one of our stories that is so totally Bozo that we just can’t pass it up. Such is the case with today’s story from the International File in Toulon, France. Our 88 (yes 88) year-old bozo showed up at the hospital and reported that he had inserted an object up his rectum and couldn’t remove it. No problem, let’s take you into x-ray and take a look. Hold on…that looks like…an artillery shell?! Not taking any chances the hospital was evacuated and incoming patients diverted until the situation could be further assessed. The man told them it was indeed a World War I artillery shell, eight inches long and two inches wide, that he had inserted up his backside for “sexual pleasure.” The man was taken into surgery where the shell was removed without incident. Shell-shocked doctors and bomb disposal experts said that, while it was possible, it was unlikely the shell would have exploded inside the man.

Bozo criminal for today from Tampa, Florida, violated seldom seen Bozo Rule Number 98944232: It’s never a good idea to use animals as a weapon. The cops were called to a residence on a report of domestic battery. Further investigation found that our bozo, Susan Franklin, had gotten into an argument with her girlfriend, at which time she picked up her cat and used it to scratch the face of her domestic partner. The victim, who suffered numerous lacerations on her face, pressed charges and our bozo was charged with domestic battery. The cat, while clearly an accomplice, was not charged.