Uncategorized

We present for you this morning a handy step by step guide for how to get yourself arrested. Today’s bozo in Acton, Maine took the first step by getting drunk and stripping down to his underwear. Step two, head over to a nearby house at 4:45 in the afternoon and, still clad only in your underwear, attempt to break-in. Step three, make enough noise to alert the homeowner who, after getting a good look at you on his Ring doorbell, calls the cops. Step four, flee in your vehicle, which was parked in plain sight, which allowed the homeowner to give the cops a good description. Step five, crash said vehicle into a nearby lake. And, finally, step six, swim to shore where the police are waiting to place you under arrest. Congratulations! You have completed our step by step guide to going to jail!

Bozo criminal for today comes from St. Petersburg, Florida, where the police were called to a report of a suspicious person. Upon arrival, they found bozo Enzo Carrera in an alley, glass pipe to his lips, attempting to light up. He was quickly taken into custody, but not before he offered up the Bozo Defense of the Week. He said to the cops, “Meth is legal now.” Um. No, it isn’t. Busted! On a felony drug possession charge and a misdemeanor count of resisting police. He probably has more problems since his rap sheet includes multiple convictions for narcotics possession, as well as convictions for trespass, disorderly conduct, obstruction, and assault.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Wyandotte, Michigan, where our unidentified bozo decided to take a nice relaxing drive along the riverfront. And what’s a relaxing drive without a drink or two, right? Well, maybe not. It seems he lost his way and made a wrong turn…right into the Wyandotte Police Department parking lot. Oops. When the cops confronted him and asked how much he had to drink, he replied, “Enough but not enough.” That’s where you’re wrong. Busted after blowing a .21. Charged with DUI.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Las Vegas, Nevada, where security at Harry Reid International Airport were alerted to a report of a woman who had walked out of the Chili’s there without paying her bill. They soon found a woman matching the description sleeping in the baggage claim area. And that’s when the trouble started. She immediately became belligerent, threatening to spit on the officers and claiming the “officers were perverts.” And then she offered up the Bozo Excuse of the Week for her arrest. She said they only arrested her because they “had never seen anyone as pretty as her.” Come on, gorgeous, you’re headed to jail, charged with violating airport conduct.

Our bozos for today come from the International Military File. Undermanned Ukrainian troops have been holding their own against supposedly superior Russian troops and now we have discovered that at least one of the reasons for their success is their ability to exploit the bozo tendencies of the Russian soldiers. It seems that Ukrainian hackers have set up fake social media accounts, posing as attractive women who are interested in the horny Russian troops. During lulls in the fighting, the Russians correspond with with women and occasionally give out sensitive information, such as their location. Last month, the hackers learned that the Russians had occupied a remote base in Melitopol, which led to a successful Ukrainian attack on the base. Keep up the good work, guys, er girls!

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report from the International File in Greater Manchester, England. The cops were in pursuit of our bozo who had reportedly stolen a vehicle and then was seen leaving a gas station without paying. He was tracked to a residence but once inside there seemed to be no one home. Only a huge teddy bear over in the corner. But wait, is that bear…breathing? Yep. Somehow our 18-year-old bozo had managed to open the back of the bear and squeeze himself inside. He held his breath as long as he could bear it and then the jig was up. He faces charges of theft of a motor vehicle, driving while disqualified and theft of petrol.

Bozo criminal for today violated Bozo Rule Number 0110637: If you’re a wanted man, it’s never a good idea to call the cops. Bozo Antoine Smith walked into the McDonalds in Kennesaw, Georgia and he and his fiance ordered themselves a meal. After the order took longer than he expected, our bozo started to get agitated. He got more worked up when he finally got his meal and, wouldn’t you know it, the fries were cold. When he couldn’t get a new order of fries, he did what any bozo with an outstanding felony murder warrant would do…he called the cops to complain. McDonalds management called the cops also, hoping to get him kicked out. The police arrived and quickly discovered he was a wanted man. After a brief chase he was arrested. Charged with the outstanding warrant, as well as obstruction or hindering law enforcement and criminal trespass. He also had a possession of a controlled substance with the intent to distribute tacked on as police found 31 grams of marijuana in his fiancée’s vehicle. Oh, and those fries in jail probably won’t be hot either.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Randall Shimoda for sending in today’s report from New Iberia, Louisiana. It seems our bozo drug dealer Dana Brock had delivered two pounds of marijuana to Akeem Wilson. Something went wrong and Mr. Wilson pulled a gun on Ms. Brock. So, if you are a bozo in this situation, what would you do? Call the cops, of course. The cops arrived and found two firearms and the pot in the apartment. However, further investigation revealed that our bozo had actually delivered the weed. You’re both busted! Charged with possession with intent to distribute and a felon in possession of a firearm.

We searched far and wide and couldn’t find any criminal activity in today’s story, other than the fact that our bozo was criminally stupid, so here goes anyway. Our bozo for today comes from Fishtrap Creek campground in Montana. A bit of background first. Apparently at some remote campgrounds in Montana where standard sewers are not available, they use something called a vault toilet. Vault toilets have a tank for holding waste that is usually about five feet deep, so you can imagine they can be pretty nasty. Ok, back to our story. A photo has been circulating recently on Reddit showing our naked bozo literally up to his elbows in a hole in the ground inside a concrete outhouse. Apparently he had dropped his phone into the toilet and he desperately wanted it back. Bad enough that he removed the porcelain throne, stripped naked and climbed in to retrieve it. And did we mention he locked the door behind him? Good idea…unless you get stuck, which he did. He was in deep doo-doo for three hours until someone else finally came along and discovered his plight. Montana Fish, Wildlife and Parks employees were called, the door was broken down and our bozo was eventually extracted. And that phone? Still missing.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Tarpon Springs, Florida, where cops were called to the home of Bozo Roxelle Wilson on a report of domestic violence. It was her choice of weapon that merited inclusion in the Bozo Report. She admitted that they were both intoxicated and involved in a verbal argument when she hurled a raw steak at him. He escaped serious injury as it was not a bone-in cut of meat. She’s been charged with domestic assault and was booked into the county jail. No word on the fate of the steak.

Bozo criminals for today come from Tuscola County, Michigan, where officers were keeping an eye on an area where a large party was being promoted on TikTok. The next think you know, a car with seven bozos pulls up and starts cutting donuts in the middle of the intersection. Bad idea. Not only were they busted for a traffic violation, three men were found to be carrying handguns without permits. Hope you enjoyed the donuts, you’re under arrest!

Bozo criminal for today comes from Pinellas County, Florida, where 23 year old bozo Jazmine Levy was in custody on a felony grand theft case. Claiming to be ill, a female deputy was escorting her to a walk-in clinic for testing. Out of nowhere, our bozo walloped the deputy in the face. And her Bozo Excuse of the Week? She said she was “bored.” Well OK then. You can add felony assault charges to those other felonies you’re charged with. Hope you don’t get bored reading the charges against you.

Bozo criminals for today come from Shelby, North Carolina, where a group of six bozos made themselves at home at the local Waffle House and ordered something to eat. After dining, one of them pulled a gun on the manager and demanded cash. With the price of gas these days, they then did what would seem to be a smart thing. They headed to a gas station next door. Probably should have found one further down the street. The cops were called and our bozos were arrested and charged with robbery with a dangerous weapon, conspiracy to commit armed robbery, and defrauding an innkeeper.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Rexburg, Idaho, where the cops were called to a disturbance at a campground. Upon arrival, they found the cause of the problem, three intoxicated males running around the facility, one of them carrying a pelican. A pelican? In Idaho? Yep. Apparently pelicans are classified as migratory birds and protected by the Migratory Bird Treaty Act. They weren’t willing to give up the bird quietly, however, as two of the men began yelling at the officers and flipping them the bird. The hand symbol, not the pelican! Eventually order was restored, the men were arrested and charged with harassing wildlife and the bird was taken into protective custody. No word on what they were planning on doing with the creature.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Menomonee Falls, Wisconsin, where our bozo had a plan to do a smash and grab at the local Kay Jewelry store. He parks right up front and casually strolls in, pulls a brick out of the pocket of his baggy shorts and goes to work on the display case. He slams the brick into the glass but it doesn’t shatter. So he hits it again. Still no luck. Now the employees are running to the front of the store to stop him so he picks up the pace. Slam! Fail. Slam! Fail. He hits the case nine times with the brick and still it doesn’t give way. Finally an employee chases him out of the building and he jumps into his car and drives away. She got the license plate and the video camera got a good picture of him. Cops expect to make an arrest soon.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Culver City, California, where the cops received a report of a robbery in progress at the local Boost Mobile store. When they arrived, employees told them our bozo had entered the store, wearing a hoodie, sweatpants, and a surgical mask and gloves, and threatened them with a gun. He forced them to lie down and he jumped over the counter and grabbed $500 in cash before fleeing on foot. Seems like a clean getaway…except…what’s that over there on the floor? A set of car keys. Yep, he’d lost the keys when he jumped over the counter. Apparently he hadn’t locked his car as the cops found the vehicle nearby and inside they found the hoodie and mask he’d been wearing, along with the gun and his drivers license. Our bozo was found nearby and was placed under arrest. And did we mention he was on parole from another robbery and was wearing an ankle monitor? That’s at least three strikes. Busted!

Bozo criminal for today comes from Coffee City, Texas, where the cops were called to a report of an accident at the local Dollar General store. They found a wrecked Nissan pickup that had crashed into two other vehicles and had barely missed a rack of propane tanks. And just who was driving said vehicle? Well it wasn’t hard to find him. Even though he appeared to be uninjured, the stress had caused him to poop himself and the cops simply followed the trail of feces leading from the vehicle. An empty bottle of Wild Turkey and two empty Budweiser cans were found inside the vehicle. Since this was his third DUI, he’s facing felony charges.

Bozo criminal for today comes from St. Petersburg, Florida, where our entrepreneurial bozo was looking for a way to make a quick buck during this tough economy. So, he set himself up on a downtown street and began selling hot dogs to passersby. Good plan? Well, not exactly. It seems he was in violation of a city ordinance against street vendors. When the cops ordered him to shut the place down, he hurled a fully loaded dog at one of the officers, who took a direct hit from the projectile. Bad idea. Busted! Charged with battery on a law enforcement officer, a felony. He was also charged with resisting, a misdemeanor, for allegedly struggling with cops as they sought to place him under arrest.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Orange County, Florida, where the cops were called to Disney World’s Swan Reserve Hotel on a report of a man acting suspiciously. Upon arrival, they found our bozo wandering around the lobby pushing a cart containing a replica of R2-D2 and wearing a Disney nametag with the name “David” on it. He told the cops he was a Disney employee but when he was unable to find the employee locker rooms, he was left wandering around the Boardwalk area. OK…well let’s check that ID then…No such employee was found in Disney records. Time to change the story. He then told the cops he had been stealing items to “show the weakness of security at the resorts.” Maybe he’s right about that part. A search of his house turned up other items pilfered from Disney, including light fixtures and a towel cabinet. He can explain it all to the judge. Busted! Charged with grand theft, scheme to defraud, burglary of a structure, tampering with a coin-operated machine and obstruction by false information.

Bozo criminals for today come from Allen Park, Michigan, which, like much of the country, has been experiencing hot temperatures. A couple of bozos went shopping at the local big box store and loaded three air conditioners into their cart. They then headed for the self checkout, where the man grabbed a Reece’s, scanned it and paid for it. They then exited the store without paying for the AC units, which they loaded into their car, making what would seem to be a clean getaway. Except for one small detail. The woman left her purse at the self checkout area. Oops. Inside the purse…her ID and a crack pipe. Busted! Charged with theft and possession of drug paraphernalia.