Yearly Archives: 2008

Bozo criminal for today comes from Hartford, Wisconsin, where bozo Warren Franks robbed a convenience store, getting away with $412 and a pack of cigarettes. In an effort to avoid detection, he took off his overalls and shirt before pedaling away on his bicycle with the cash and cigarettes stuffed in his undershorts. Didn’t work. The cops quickly caught up with him and that’s when he offered up the Bozo Excuse of the Week. In an effort to explain his attire, he said he had been robbed by a thief who only wanted his clothes and let him keep the money. He’s under arrest.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Winnsboro, Texas, where bozo John Barnes violated Bozo Rule Number 32334: When you’re in the process of pulling off a robbery, it’s no time to be neighborly. Our bozo was burglarizing a residence when the homeowner came home and caught him in the act. As Winnsboro is a small town, it was no surprise that the homeowner knew our bozo and the two men started chatting. They were still chewing the fat when the cops arrived and placed him under arrest.

Bozo criminal for today violated Bozo Rule Number 09879: After committing a robbery, it’s not usually a good idea to ask a total stranger to be your getaway driver. From Kissimmee, Florida, comes the story of bozo John Graham who held up a 7-Eleven, getting away with a small amount of cash. Realizing he needed to get out of there as quickly as possible, he tried to get a ride with some men he didn’t know. Bad idea. They robbed him of the money he had just stolen and left him on the side of the road. Our bozo was arrested when he called the cops to complain that he had just been robbed.

Bozo criminal for today from Huntsville, Alabama provides us with another example of how bozos and modern technology just don’t mix. Bozo Harvey Pierce came up with what he thought was a great scam. He set up an auto phone dialer to call residents with a recorded message urging them to got to a website where they could update their bank account records. The idea, of course, being that this would be an easy way to gather personal account information from lots of people. And his plan might have worked except for one big glitch. For reasons known only to the bozo mind, he set the dialer up so that the words "This is a scam" appeared on the recipients caller ID. Busted!

Bozo criminal for today comes from Duluth, Minnesota, where bozo Chad Tarver approached a woman at a pool hall and asked for a cigarette. He then snatched her purse as she opened it and ran off. A little over an hour later, the police received a call from our bozo, using the cell phone he found in the stolen purse. No, he didn’t want to confess to the crime. He was calling to complain to the cops that someone had assaulted him. Investigating officers could find no evidence of the assault, but they found enough evidence of his crime to arrest him for theft.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Appleton, Wisconsin, where bozo John Warren broke into a house and began rummaging around. His whistling awakened the homeowner who grabbed a shotgun and went downstairs to investigate. He found our bozo in the basement, wearing the homeowner’s hat, his wife’s jacket, and, inexplicably, covered in barbeque sauce. He quickly surrendered to the homeowner and then came up with our Bozo Excuse of the Month. He told him that he was a special ops Army officer and that someone had tipped him off that the homeowner was harboring terrorists. And the barbeque sauce? That was an "urban disguise". The Army says they’ve never heard of him. He’s under arrest.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Ocala, Florida, where bozo Tommy Allen burglarized a home, getting away with several items, including some bedroom furniture. The homeowner called the cops and reported the incident but really wasn’t ever expecting to see his stuff again. And when he did see it, he couldn’t believe where it was. In front of an apartment house in the neighborhood, where a yard sale was going on. Yep, our bozo had put the stuff out in plain view at a big garage sale. He’s under arrest.

(Best of Bozo) Bozo criminal for today comes from New York City, where bozo Irene Hess was on the run from the law on charges that she had destroyed property at her employer’s home while she was serving as a nanny. When an article appeared in the New York Post detailing what she had allegedly done our bozo was very upset. So upset that she stopped a New York Police officer on the street, showed him the article and asked if he thought she could sue for slander over the article. The officer didn’t know about the slander part, but he did know that she was a wanted woman, so he arrested her.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Stuart, Florida, where bozo Robert Moore broke into a residence and stole a number of things, including several items of ladies clothing. When the officers arrived, they noticed something strange. A pair of men’s pants and underwear were laying on the balcony an a bicycle was abandoned in the backyard. So, it would seem that our bozo had changed clothes and fled on foot. Ordinarily this might not have been much to go on, but our bozo’s choice of wardrobe made him stand out just a bit. Deputies couldn’t miss a shirtless man walking down a nearby street wearing tight blue ladies shorts. Busted!

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk David Alford for sending in today’s report. From Melville, New York comes the story of bozo Cyrus Ferry who was arrested by the cops when they noticed him making an illegal left turn. His problems increased when they discovered he was driving with a suspended license. Facing these misdemeanor charges, our bozo then made a big mistake. He tried to pay his bail with a counterfeit $50 bill. Bad idea. He’s now been charged with possessing a forged instrument, a felony.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Summerfield, Florida, where bozo John Olsen had a scheme to steal gas. He would slip under a parked car, drill a hole in the gas tank and then catch the valuable fuel as it drained out. Our bozo was apparently fairly successful, as there were several reports around the area of drilled tanks. And then he slipped up. He left his cordless drill behind at the scene of one of his crimes. And to make sure that no one stole his drill, our bozo had etched his name on it. Busted!

Bozo criminal for today comes from Bridgeport, Connecticut, where bozo Michael Ingram was wanted by the cops for questioning in a series of motor vehicle accidents. Guess he was still having some problems with his driving when he crashed into the open bay door of the police department garage. He’s under arrest and won’t be driving for a while.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Dave Benoit for sending in today’s report. From Salem, New Hampshire, comes the story of bozo Steven Cook who tried to rob a convenience store by threatening the clerk with a weapon and demanding she place the cash into a plastic bag. Not frightened by his weapon, the clerk refused. Our bozo headed down the street to another store, this time placing a bag over his head for a disguise. Again, things didn’t go as he planned when one of the clerks threatened him with a knife. As he turned to run, he discovered that the bag severely limited his vision, causing him to run into the door and drop his weapon as he made his getaway. And did we mention that weapon that failed to scare anyone? He claimed it was a bazooka. It was actually a rolled up cargo cover from an SUV. He’s under arrest.

Bozo criminal for today violated Bozo Rule Number 10099: Don’t believe everything you see on TV. From Alton, Texas comes the story of bozos Jesus Torrez and Roman Rivera who were jailed on burglary charges. Looking for a way to escape, they decided to try a trick that always seems to work on TV. They tried to crawl through the air conditioning ductwork. Didn’t make it very far before the ductwork came crashing through the ceiling…right into the office of the chief of police. Oops. They’ve been moved to a more secure facility.

Once again today we have an example of another bozo foiled by modern technology. From Manchester, New Hampshire, comes the story of bozo Stephen Marsh who approached the pharmacist at the local Rite Aid at 4:30 in the morning, demanding drugs. Guess he didn’t notice the pharmacist was wearing a wireless headset phone. And that he was talking to someone when he approached. The person on the other end of the line was a pharmacist at another store who called the cops. They showed up in time to arrest our bozo before he left the store.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Fort Worth, Texas, where bozo Larry Don Ellis took a taxi to a local bank, walked in and demanded cash. He got his money but apparently forgot to tell the cabbie to wait. Since he now had no transportation, he told the teller to drive him away from the bank. When she refused, he demanded her car keys. She gave him a set of keys she had in her purse, saying they went to a car in the parking lot. They didn’t. Our bozo spent several minutes going from car to car, trying to find the one that the keys fit before a couple of bystanders grabbed him and held him for the cops.

Bozo criminals for today come from Fayette County, Kentucky, where a local theatre was taking donations to repair their classic Wurlitzer theatre organ. A plexiglas box was set up in the lobby for patrons to drop their donations into. This proved too tempting for our bozos to resist. They broke in after hours and cleaned the donation box out. Unfortunately, they didn’t notice that theatre employees had emptied the box at the close of business. All that was left in there was some funny money, fake black and white bills that were used as filler to make the box look full. Oops.

Bozo criminals for today come from the International File in San Jose, Costa Rica, where border guards stopped a couple of suspicious acting bozos and discovered they were carrying $372,000 in cash with them. It was when they were asked why they were carrying such a large amount of money that they responded with the Bozo Excuse of the Month. They told the cops they were looking to buy some bananas. Sure. Bananas cost $1.65 a pound in Costa Rica. They’ve been booked on suspicion of money laundering.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report from the International File in Frankfurt, Germany. Our unidentified bozo and three accomplices attempted a late night break-in at a large grocery store. The security guard nabbed our bozo and handcuffed him to a railing while he went after the other crooks. He got them rounded up with some help from the cops, who discovered that our handcuffed bozo had broken the railing and escaped. Faced with the quandary of how to get the handcuffs off, he did what any bozo would do. He went down to the police station and asked the officer on duty to help remove them. Bad idea. He’s under arrest.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Lockport, New York, where police noticed bozo Chad McKibbon acting suspiciously outside a convenience store. When the officer pulled up, our bozo tried to hide a baggie containing a white substance. It was where he tried to hide the baggie of heroin that really got him into trouble. He tried to stash it under the hood of the police patrol car. Busted!