Yearly Archives: 2002

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Mark Guthrie for sending in today’s report. From the International File in Springvale, Australia comes the story of bozo Walter Evans who hid inside a gift store at closing time, planning to clean out the place after everyone had gone home. The lights went out and our bozo went to work. He had collected quite a haul when he headed for the back door to let himself out only to discover that this store had no rear exit. No problem, he could always jimmy the front door, couldn’t he? Except for the fact that the shop had a rolling security gate on the front door that was locked up tight by the owner when he left. Trapped like a rat our bozo began to raise such a commotion that the shopkeeper next door called the cops. They gave him a helping hand with the aid of a ladder through a rooftop window. And then gave him a ride to jail.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Debbie Walters for sending in today’s report. From Melbourne, Florida comes the story of bozo Thomas Lopez who was passing through the metal detector at the Brevard County courthouse when the alarm went off. Guards asked him to please empty his pockets, which he did. Reaching into his right pocket, he pulled out some change and his keys. Reaching into his left pocket he pulled out a cigarette lighter and a bag of marijuana, which he placed on the table in front of the bailiff. Oops!! Realizing his big mistake, our bozo turned tail and dashed for the door. But being in a courthouse he was severely outnumbered and was quickly apprehended.

Bozo criminal for today violated Bozo Rule Number 2486: You should always be suspicious when your victims are a little too helpful. From the International File in Tsu, Japan comes the story of an unidentified bozo who marched into a bank and demanded cash. The teller and several other employees said the really big money was in the vault and if he would just step this way…They led him to the bank’s main vault and when he went inside to grab his cash, they slammed the door shut on him, locking him inside. And that’s where he remained until the cops arrived.

The heat is really getting to bozos around the country. For the second day in a row we present an overheated bozo story. From Glenwood Springs, Colorado comes the story of bozo Steven Harper who went into the air conditioned Wal-Mart store to get some relief from the heat. He did a little shopping before plopping down into a reclining chair in the yard and garden department to cool off. He promptly fell asleep and when associates had a tough time waking him up, the police were called. The cops did a quick check on his ID and wouldn’t you know it, he was wanted on an outstanding warrant for contempt of court. He’s cooling his heels in jail.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Detective Norman Bye for sending in today’s report. As you are no doubt aware, many portions of the country have been experiencing extremely hot weather in the past few weeks and that was what caused all the problems for bozo Lucius Harrigan of Wichita, Kansas. Our bozo threw a cinder block through a window to gain access to a house. While prowling around looking for loot, he worked up a sweat and removed his shirt in an effort to cool off. After a few minutes he left with the loot but without his shirt. And in his shirt pocket was a Kansas Department of Corrections ID card identifying him as a former guest of the state. Guess he’ll have another chance to find out how well the air conditioning works in jail.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Marshall County, Indiana where bozo Christopher Adams was pulled over for a minor traffic offense. While talking to him, the officer couldn’t help but notice his bright orange t-shirt which read, "Fugitive. You never saw me." Playing a hunch, he ran our bozo’s name through the computer and sure enough he was indeed a fugitive, wanted for failure to appear at a court hearing. He’s no longer a fugitive, but he’s still wearing orange, this time an outfit issued by the county jail.

(Best of Bozo) Bozo criminal for today comes from Boise, Idaho where bozo Harlan Collingwood called the police to his house to report a number of items that had been stolen in a break in. He told the cops the thieves had taken a VCR, a bong and a marijuana pipe. But, he noted proudly, they had missed his stash, a film canister full of marijuana. Is that a fact, the cops asked. And could you perhaps show us this stash. With that, our bozo proudly whipped out the can of dope and when he did, the police arrested the dope for drug possession.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report. From the International File in Bruno d’Asti, Italy comes the story of bozo Carlo Brunelli who held up a post office at gunpoint, fleeing with about $4300. Postal employees quickly locked the door after our bozo fled and watched in amazement as he got into his car, sat there for a moment and then ran back to the door of the post office. Finding it locked he began to shout for them to please let him in, as he’d left his car keys on the counter. Sorry, Carlo. He was still crying and begging to be let back in when the police arrived.

Bozo criminal for today comes from New Orleans, Louisiana where bozo Mitchell Lane was frustrated with his life. Our bozo was a cab driver but he felt unfulfilled. He had always wanted to be on TV and that’s what led him to become a bozo. In his quest for fame he called the cops and told them that he was on his way to New Orleans International Airport to "cause some trouble" in the name of Saddam Hussein. He then armed himself with a BB gun and a small knife and headed out. Don’t know if he really intended to cause any problems but he did get his wish…TV cameras filmed him as the FBI took him into custody.

Bozo criminal for today comes from St. Petersburg, Florida where bozo Daniel Bryarly robbed a residence and then used a cab as his getaway car. This in itself is not new, bozos have tried it before. It was what our bozo brought with him when he climbed into the cab that aroused the driver’s suspicions. He had his loot, consisting of four snakes, a sword, two mobile phones and a purse he’d taken from the house. The cabbie called the cops after the bozo was dropped off at his residence. His next ride was free, courtesy of the police department.

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Bath, England where two bozos snatched the purse of Pamela McCarthy and took off running down the street. What they didn’t know was that 40 year old Pamela was a marathon runner and she chased them for more than a mile before they finally ran into their apartment. She then called the cops who came over, retrieved her purse and arrested them.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Carlos Sebastian Leschhorn for sending in today’s report. From the International File in Owen Sound, Ontario, Canada comes the story of bozo Mary Simpson whose boyfriend was locked up in jail. Bozo Mary hatched a plan to free him. She would show up at the jail, pretending to be a police officer with instructions to escort him to another facility. Not the best plan. First, suspicions were aroused when she arrived by herself to transfer the prisoner. And second, and perhaps most important, she forgot Bozo Rule Number 6907: When impersonating a police officer, it’s a good idea to wear the uniform. She showed up in jeans and a shirt. She’s been arrested for impersonating, although not very well, an officer.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Conklin, New York where bozo Jean Hampton stole $4700 from the store where she worked and then took off for Las Vegas to get married. She was sure she had covered her tracks, she even remembered to turn off the surveillance camera after she had entered the store that evening. But she forgot that the camera was connected to a VCR. And that VCR contained a tape that showed her entering the store after hours. The money is long gone but our bozo is in custody.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Shannon Brown for sending in today’s report. From Canton, Ohio comes the story of bozo Daniel Fogelman who, for reasons known only to the bozo mind, went on a stroll carrying a marijuana plant. He walked up to another pedestrian and said, "Would you believe I’m walking down the street in the middle of the day with this pot plant?" The pedestrian answered, "Would you believe I’m a cop?" Oops. He’d chosen to strike up a conversation with a detective returning from court. He’s been arrested.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Texas City, Texas where bozo Grady Donohue broke into a residence and began looking for valuables. He found quite a bit of good stuff and while loading it he worked up a powerful thirst. And that’s when he spotted the bottle of Crown Royal Canadian Whiskey sitting on the counter. Thinking he had earned a little break, he poured himself a drink and sat down. One thing led to another and to another and to another. He was still happily sitting in the chair when officers answering a disturbance call arrived.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Stanberry, Missouri where bozo Michael Massey was caught trying to steal six 350 pound commercial electric transformers from the local power company. It was the reason he gave for stealing them that landed him in the Bozo Hall of Fame. He told the cops that he needed the transformers to power his home-built time machine. He said he wanted to travel a few days into the future, learn the winning lottery numbers and return to buy the winning ticket.

Bozo criminals for today come from the Shoulda Known Better Department in Stuart, Florida. Five teenage car thieves were on the run from the local sheriff and decided to jump into a pond to hide. Not the best idea for a number of reasons. First, you can only hold your breath for so long until you have to come up for air. Second, some strange varmints live in Florida ponds. And, third, as the sheriff’s deputies pointed out to our bozos, it’s gator mating season! They then shined a flashlight into the eyes of two nearby alligators. That was enough for our bozos. They came scrambling out of that pond faster than you can say "gator bait."

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report. From the International File in Auckland, New Zealand comes the story of an unidentified bozo who stole a laptop computer. Since his work required a computer, the owner placed an ad in a computer magazine for another one of the same make and model. And wouldn’t you know it, our bozo called him up, offering to sell him his own computer for $750, saying he’d be glad to stop by and demonstrate it. Taking him up on his offer, the man immediately recognized it as his own, since the bozo hadn’t even bothered to erase the files or remove the programs. Sending one of his friends next door to call the cops, the man stalled our hapless thief until police arrived by challenging him to a game of chess. He lost.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Hazleton, North Carolina where bozo Colleen Flowers and her husband held up the local convenience store. Colleen must not have read those "Dress for Success" books since it was her choice of wardrobe that got her into trouble. She wore a long sleeved shirt with the word "Giant" written on the sleeve. The same one she wears at her day job at the Giant supermarket. The clerk recognized her and her shirt and Colleen is now wearing a shirt of a different color-the orange one provided by the jail.

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Wiltshire, England where bozo Nolan Preston broke into a hospital and stole some pagers. Then he spotted the tanning bed. Thinking he looked a little pale, he jumped in and set the timer for 45 minutes, which might have been OK except for one thing. This was a hospital, not a tanning salon. And this was not a tanning bed but a special ultraviolet light machine used for burn victims. It’s only supposed to be used for 10 seconds at a time. As you might expect, our bozo got a burn that Solarcaine or aloe vera couldn’t help. He was arrested by the cops when he arrived at another hospital to be treated for the burns, wearing a physician’s coat he had also stolen.