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They Must Have Re-Formulated Ex-Lax…

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Bozo criminal for today comes from Okaloosa County, Florida, where a deputy noticed our bozo’s car had an expired registration so he pulled him over. The cop’s K-9 partner alerted on the vehicle and a quick check inside found what appeared to be heroin under the seat, more heroin on the passenger floorboard, oxycodone, a plastic bag with methamphetamine residue, a scale and assorted drug paraphernalia consistent with use and distribution. Undeterred, the driver offered up the Bozo Excuse of the Week. He told the cop the heroin was a “chocolate laxative” and all the pills were fake. Right. Tell it to the judge. Busted! Charged with trafficking heroin, possession of oxycodone, possession of drug paraphernalia and a traffic violation.

I Just Can’t Wear Those $#@%$ Masks!

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Bozo criminal for today comes from Jackson, Mississippi where our bozo walked into a bank wearing a surgical mask. When he reached the teller’s window, he pulled down his mask and threatened the teller, demanding cash. While he did get away with an undermined amount of money he left behind an excellent security camera picture of himself without the mask. Police expect to make an arrest shortly.

He Got Just a Little Too Far In Character

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Our bozo for today comes from Lehi, Utah. We don’t have details on what his motives were, but we know bozo Charles Morton liked to impersonate a police officer, even going so far as to have a green Salt Lake County Sheriff’s Department jacket. He was wearing said jacket when he walked into a 7-Eleven. And since he was a “cop”, it only seemed appropriate to grab a donut. His mistake was walking out without paying for it. The clerk reported the incident to the cops who used surveillance camera footage to grab the license plate of his getaway car. After it was determined the car was stolen, they tracked him to a nearby hotel where he was busted, charged with impersonation of an officer, receiving or transfer of a stolen vehicle and theft. Hope he enjoyed the donut.

Well, A Man’s Gotta Eat

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Bozo criminal for today comes from Houston, Texas, where paramedics had been called to an apartment complex. While they were dealing with the emergency, our bozo jumped into the ambulance and drove off. Unfortunately for him, the ambulance was equipped with GPS technology and the cops were able to pinpoint exactly where he went. To the nearby Jack In the Box drive thru. He had the emergency lights on and was ordering food when he was arrested.

One Bozo Now On Ice

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Another day, another violation of coronavirus lockdown rules. This one comes from the International File in Augsburg, Germany, where Covid-19 rules there limit contact to members of the household plus one other person. With public gatherings limited also, our bozos decided to construct their own gathering place. An igloo. Yep, our bozos constructed an igloo in a public park. We can only assume things were going well until someone called the cops. Five bozos scattered when the police arrived. The least fleet footed one of them was captured and charged with breaching coronavirus lockdown rules.

Karma Is a Bitch, Bozo Dept.

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Bozo criminal for today comes from Lee County, Florida, where wannabe rapper Jonathan Hendricks needed to supplement his rap income by robbing a residence. So, he staked out the home and, when no one was there, he climbed in through a window. Or, should we say, attempted to climb in. He had just stuck his head in when the window unexpectedly slammed shut on him, leaving him trapped. According to the cops, they arrived to find him dead, dangling from the window by his neck. Services are pending.

The Cops Finally Found Something To Go On

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Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report from the International File in Funabashi City, Japan. Homebuilders reported that a toilet had been stolen overnight from a home that was under construction. Within days, another toilet was taken and the crappy thefts continued for three months, with a total of 18 toilets taken. Then, our thief made a crucial error. He sold a bowl to a second hand shop who reported the sale to the police. They were able to trace him from the receipt and our bozo, dubbed the “God of Toilets” by local media, was placed under arrest.

Take Him Home and Put Him In His Crate

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Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Mathias Joost for sending in this one from the International File in Canada’s Quebec province, which has seen a recent surge in Covid-19 cases. This led the province to implement a curfew from 8pm-5am. On of the few acceptable reasons to be out after curfew is to walk your dog. And it wasn’t long before a couple of bozos came up with a plan to get around the regulations. Police stopped a woman just after 9 on Saturday night walking her…husband. Yep, she had her husband on a leash and told the cops she was out walking her “dog.” We’re not sure just how much of a dog her husband is, but the cops weren’t buying this. They’ve both been fined $1212.

Should Have Put the Snow Chains On

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Our bozo for today from Brampton, Ontario, Canada was foiled by a number of things, including Mother Nature. Our would-be porch pirate staked out a house with a nice looking package on the front porch. He wheels into the driveway and runs to grab the package only to be confronted by the homeowner, who was recording the whole thing. He makes a hasty retreat and tries to back out of the driveway. Unfortunately, he cut the wheels too sharply and his Toyota Yaris became stuck in a snowbank. Our bozo tries to push the car out of the bank to no avail. In the meantime, the homeowner had called the cops who showed up to bust our bozo before he ever got the car unstuck.

Guess Ronco Doesn’t Make That Spray On Hair Anymore?

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Bozo criminal for today comes from Lawrenceburg, Kentucky, where bozo Jeffrey Taylor walked into a hair salon and asked an employee if she had a product that could “bring his hair back.” When she told him there was no magic potion, our bozo, described as “6’3″, 250 pounds and bald”, became belligerent and generally caused a disturbance at the shop. He was arrested and charged with misdemeanor disorderly conduct. However, outstanding warrants let to him being charged with arson, criminal mischief and violating a protective order. Perhaps the jailhouse barber will be able to help him with his hairy problem.

This Is One Energizer Bunny That Didn’t Keep Going

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Bozo criminal for today comes from North Bend, Washington, where the cops noticed a car on I-90 with what was described as “extremely dim headlights”. Our bozo was pulled over and the officer noticed the car had significant front end damage. Enough damage that the standard equipment headlights were missing and had been replaced by a couple of flashlights that our bozo had duct taped to the frame. Bad idea. This is not legal. Also not legal is driving with a suspended license. He’s busted!

The Tank Isn’t the Only Thing Empty Here

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Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report from Blair County, Pennsylvania. Let’s follow along in this Bozo Timeline. One: Steal a gray Audi SUV. Check. Two: Take off on Route 22 but fail to check the vehicle’s gas gauge. Uh, check. Three: Coast to a stop on the side of the road and call, not AAA, not a tow truck, but instead the state police to ask for help. Check. Four: Go to jail after the cop arrives and determines the vehicle is stolen. Check and busted!

Guess He Can Forget That Side Hustle As a Mime

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Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in South Plympton, Australia. The cops were called to a report of a prowler at a building site. When they arrived, they cordoned off the area and brought in a K-9 patrol. After initially finding nothing, the cops noticed something strange. A statue that seemed to be out of place. Further investigation found that the statue seemed to be breathing. Yep, our bozo had hidden in plain sight by pretending to be a statue. He’s busted! Charged with criminal trespass.

Maybe He Was Looking For Some New Clothes

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Bozo criminal for today comes from Goose Creek, South Carolina, where the local neighborhood group had been fielding complaints about a “porch pirate”, a guy stealing packages from residences. They even had a video of him in action which they posted up on their Facebook page. Goose Creek police also follow that page and noted that he was wearing a distinctive green t-shirt. Then, for reasons known only to the Bozo Mind, he turned up the next day at a courtroom, wearing the same green shirt. Oops. After a quick confirmation that it was indeed the guy in the video, he was busted!

Hey, the Pole Was Just Laying on the Ground!

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Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report from Lakeland, Florida. It seems our bozo was cruising around in his 1997 Toyota sedan when he came upon a downed utility pole on I-4. So, did he call the highway department to report it? Nope. Maybe move it out of the way? Well, sort of. Load it onto the roof of his Toyota and head to the nearest recycling center? Yep. He was turned away because he didn’t have the proper documentation for the pole. Someone called the cops and he was stopped nearby, with the pole still strapped onto the car. He’s been charged with grand theft and dealing in stolen property.

Three Strikes For the “300” Driver!

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Our bozo for today from Detroit, Michigan, went cruising in his Chrysler 300. Not sure if this particular model has a Hemi but he was clocked by the cops weaving in and out of traffic at a speed in excess of 100 MPH. Strike one. When he could not produce a driver’s license he was charged with driving without a license. Strike two. And, what’s that on the floorboard? A Glock 43X? And can you produce a Concealed Pistol License? You can’t? Strike three and busted! Charged with carrying a concealed weapon. He’s cooling his heels in the Detroit Detention Center.

His Next Stop Was To Pick Up a Coffee Table

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Bozo criminal for today from Happy Valley, Oregon, violated Bozo Rule Number 22-223321: It’s best to keep your getaway vehicle as inconspicuous as possible. Cops received a call of an armed robbery at the local Ace Hardware store. The suspect had pulled a gun on a store employee and then had fled in a Mazda. Oh, and one more thing, that Mazda had a sofa strapped to the roof. And did we mention it was also raining at the time? Since there aren’t many couch carrying Mazdas on the road during a thunderstorm, the cops caught up with our bozo rather quickly. After a brief chase, he was apprehended and placed under arrest. And that couch? It escaped without a scratch.

I Told You We Should Have Stolen A Chevy Instead!!

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Our Bozos for today from the International File in Canberra, Australia, gives us another example of Bozos foiled by modern technology. Our bozos had their eyes on a Tesla Model 3 and they decided to take it for a drive. The owner immediately received a message on her phone that her car’s alarm was going off. The owner then began tracking the car while calling the cops. She then decided to annoy our bozos by using the app to place a speed limit on the car and also rolling down the windows and honking the horn. Deciding that this wasn’t as much fun as they expected, our bozos ditched the car, but in their haste they left behind one very important item. The thief’s drivers license. Oops. The cops where quickly able to track them down and make an arrest.

Rookie, Taste That Creamy White Substance and Tell Me What It Is!

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Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Mathias Joost for sending in today’s report from Topeka, Kansas. At around 3:30 AM, cops were called to a report of a disturbance at a convenience store. Upon arrival, they found a naked teen, covered from head to toe in a creamy white substance. He had damaged some items inside the store before heading outside and jumping into a running vehicle, which he promptly crashed into a pillar. Further investigation determined he was covered in ranch dressing and under the influence of an unknown substance. He was taken into custody before being rinsed off and released to his parents.

Man With the Golden Bum

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Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Kannur, India. A flight had just landed from Dubai and customs officials noticed an man walking awkwardly and apparently in a bit of discomfort. They did a quick search and found nothing in his pockets on on his person. So, the next check was to see if there was something IN his person. And that’s when they struck gold, literally. They found that he had two pounds of gold bars into his rectum. Yikes. He’s busted and charged with smuggling.